Spalding

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“Where?”

~ Oscar Wilde with yet another witty and original quote on his supposed lack of knowledge of a place

“Oh.. New Poland, the capital of Old Poland due to its higher Polish Population.”

~ Oscar Wilde now crudely attempting some bastardised form of surreal humour, and by bastardised, we really mean written by a bastard!

“Thanks for your edit. Can you improve this related article? Spalding. Can you...hahah...improve...haha...Spal...hahahaha....SPALDING!...HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH”

Spalding is a small collection of gays in Lincolnshire, England perhaps best known for its refusal to die. The number of visitors continues to decline although it still manages to attract a large number of low lifes and creeps from all over the world. Since 2002, it has also held an annual May Day festival in October in an attempt to encourage rumours that it is "the most pagan and therefore most PC town of lincolnshire," and has repeatedly failed. Spalding is often considered by southerners as England's southernmost 'Northern' town. By Northerners it is considered as laughable (i.e. southern). People from the Midlands generally refer to Spalding as being in East Anglia, whereas East Anglians insist that Spalding is in the Midlands. Hence the inhabitants of Spalding have the most confused local identity in the country, with their whippet fondue parties and a Royal Enclosure (top hats only) at the local Pigeon Fancier's club. A number of reasonings are attributed to this thinking, about which the reader is invited to draw his or her own conclusions.

In 1425 there was the so called "South Holland" rebellion in which the entire county of Licolnshire marched to the Geographical Mapping Society in order that Spalding be removed from the map. They were ofcourse met with complete and utter Apathy (and a legion of the King's finest brigade that cut the rising (and the leader's heads) down to size)

Gleed School[edit]

Spalding's secondary modern schools can only be so called because they are the closest thing that spalding has to an education system.

A typical Gleed; note the vacancy of a soul and the confusion when presented with a crossword
A typical Gleed intelectual, bullied for his high IQ and ability to breath, he does not belong there
The gleed school; compared to the grammar, a shining example of fine architecture (sarcastic cough, possibly a snort and definitely the sound of a dying man, stabbed to death by the gleed school mafia.)

A recent OFSTED report stated:

"they have playgrounds which are full of kids...and although they just stand around of the edges of the playgrounds waiting for something to happen, we have concluded that these establishments are indeed schools."

Grammar School[edit]

Spalding Grammar School's sixth form in spring uniform on the annual Day of Mercilessly Slaughtering All of Those Whom Inhabit the Smaller Neighboring Villages
The entire year 8 of Spalding grammar, not the ginger at the back, he is satan and therefore not a person.
A Grammar boy after a hard night chewing glass in the local restaurants and wrecking respectable establishments and paying for the damage in a civil manner, before going out again and getting hogwhimperingly drunk
One of governors of Spalding Grammar School, he has the deitical power to shape the earth with his bare hands and shake the heavens to awaken Jupiter and Cronos from their long lived slumber, also a latin teacher
Ah, and the fine old school itself, founded in 1588 and posessing 2 Royal Charters, it is the secret headquaters of the Illuminati and also, legally, a prison.

It is also reported that Spalding has two single sex grammar schools. However this is to be doubted, as such things are clearly a THING OF THE PAST. Inspection of some of the teachers at either alleged school would however prove the existence of these schools as some of the masters have been at the grammar school since its foundation in 1588 and shook hands with Queen Elizabeth I upon the signing of its Royal Charter. Also Spalding has a secondary modern for those who are stupid, retarded, have stopped caring about life, socially inept just simply thick, or all of the above; the pupils of this school tend to come from the edge of Spalding or it's council estates, where they were born in the garden. A recent report of the Gleed vs Grammar war, which has been ongoing since at least 1495, says how 9 Grammar scholars humiliated 40 Gleeds with their superior physique and wit, and then ran for Park Lane; however as they turned the corner their 1920's coifs and shirts began to FALL OUT OF PLACE!!!; and it was only with the intervention of King James I's cavalry that they were spared the ultimate insult that is being forced to untuck their shirts whilst saying "Yo Dude", whatever that means.

Tourist attractions in Spalding include a cough, which brings millions of visitors per year to gape at its echoing. An important thing to remember about the cough is that you are NOT allowed to bring your cattle into play. The only interesting attraction in Spalding to ever happen was the tulip fesitival, but this has been closed down in recent years to due the extinction of British Tulips. Dutch Tulips, while similar, are simply not good enough; as are the Dutch themselves.

As with any town with nothing, the people of Spalding rely upon the deaths of wealthy relatives (the town has a Bylaw that actively encourages "Enquickening the death, and easing the pain") and mugging and holding ransom anyone lost or stupid enough to find themselves there.

The people of Spalding are resentful and full of malice but due to a natural wariness of hard work, little ever comes of this.

It was recently voted 6th place in the top 200 places worse than hell awards 2005

Spalding is due to hold the 2008 World Tulip Conference, seizing its chance in the face of strong opposition on from towns such as its pan-dimensional alter ego. Buoyed by this success, it is thought that Spalding may enter a last-minute bid to host a trolley of fine whiskeys.

High School[edit]


High School girls can easily be told apart from Gleed School girls as they do not walk like a fat, drunk pig, and in fact act and look like someone not born in the most retarded place in England.

Universal Celebration Of Spalding Day[edit]

Every year on the 30th of February, nations across the universe celebrate the existence of Spalding, due to it's iconic status as the town where life began. Ambassadors from all areas of the Milky Way and various other galaxies come bearing gifts to leading residents of Spalding, to show their graititude. Also, awards ceremonies are held to acknowledge achievements of Spaldingers as they are affectionately known. Previous winners of the most prestigious award, the GAOSACA (Golden Award Of Spalding Awards Ceremony Award) include Ellis and Steve for services to COD 4, Dave for services to Beer and Fags, and to all current Grammar Boys students for services having shiny shoes with little holes.

NOTA BENE I: The athletic ball originated in Spalding. To this day every single ball produced in the world comes from Spalding.

NOTA BENE II: Spalding is also a portmanteau of the words spanking and scalding. It is used to describe the pain/pleasure of the recipient's ass during and after the giver spanks it.

Written by he who doth know Adam Lane and the water bar. Edited by some dumb fag from the Grammar.