Spanish Civil War

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Spanish Civil War
This poor schmuck gets shot every time the Spanish Civil War is even mentioned.
Conflict: Spanish Civil War
Date: B.C. 36 -5638
Place: IKEA (Formally Spain)
Outcome: Draw - destruction of the entire solar system
Popular Front government of the Spanish Second Republic, British tourists lost from their hotels in Benidorm, Mexico, USSR, FC Barcelona Nationalist Spain, Scellator, Darth Hitler, Real Madrid
Manuel Azana
Largo LaGrande Caballero
Juan Negrin
Manuel Calavera
Francisco Franco
Scellator Preadtor
38563 (12 PM-4PM), 2 (all other hours) 397 Spaniards, 1 united race auf Uebermensch!
2374, also Ernest Hemmingway's sanity none, mein Fuhrer!

The Spanish Civil War was an almighty ruckus that lasted three very long, unpleasant years from July 18, 1936 to April 1, 1939. The two sides involved in the conflict were the whinging lefties of the incumbent government of the Spanish Second Banana Republic and a bunch of army officers, jumped-up Catholics, crazy monarchists and landowners desperate to make their country as cool as Nazi Germany or Mussolini's Italy. Some historians have attributed it to complex political, economic and even cultural divisions in Spain at the time, but recent research has shown it to be the result of a bunch of dagoes not wanting to do a proper day's work and preferring to start a war. The levels of laziness in the Spanish Civil War were so astonishing that the Spaniards actually had to get other Europeans to fight their own civil war for them.


Ever since losing their American colonies and getting duffed up by the world's shortest dictator, Napoleon Bonaparte, Spain had been as ineffectual as a bald man's comb and spent much of the 19th century swapping monarchs about, having liberal governments that didn't do much and being walked all over by the Catholic Church. After losing a war to America in 1898, for a change Spain then lost another one with Morocco in 1921, an impressive feat considering the Moroccans were armed with sticks and a large supply of sand.

By 1930 a bunch of fake politicians and coffee-house intellectuals were fed up with things in Spain being so rubbish, so they decided to form a new government, via the ingenious method of just saying so. Somehow, their "right, we're in charge now" revolution was pulled off, and King Alfonso CLXIII went to France where he spent the rest of his days grooming his moustache and watching football. The new regime was the Spanish Second Banana Republic. The key figure of the Republic was Manuel Azana, who was famous for never smiling in photographs, having the world's roundest glasses. He, and a great deal other of his Republican chums weren't too keen on the Army, religion or on abiding by the country's constitution, so the government bummed out the soldiers and clergy as much as possible. As they were forming the government with the Socialists, there was impetus for enacting agrarian reform in order to stop the Spanish peasants starving whilst the landowners drank all the wine and ate all the paella. Unfortunately, they were too lazy to do it properly since they were spending most of their time writing laws to rig elections in their favor, and so pretty much annoyed everyone in that regard. By 1933 everyone realised that the Republic wasn't as groovy as they originally thought, and despite Azana & co.'s election-rigging efforts, elected a bunch of Catholic nutjobs calling themselves the CEDA, who, like modern political parties, had no policies whatsoever and just sat tight hoping that nothing bad would happen.

The result was that everyone was pretty hacked off with everyone else, so, rather than doing any proper work a bunch of soldiers decided to rise up and shoot some reds. The man who planned the whole shebang was Emilio Mola, who, in a bizarre coincidence, looked just like a skinny version of Manuel Azana.

The Course of the War[edit]

Such was the laziness of the Spanish, horses and other animals, such as gerbils and walruses, did most of the fighting at Terual.

In 1936, a Spanish general in morroco molested his entire army for a drunken bet; thus they became the "Franquistas" in spanish spelling, but pronounced: "Frank Kissed Us" in english, as english was the language used in Spain at the time (this is reflected by the fact that the Polish Republican General 'Karol Wacław Świerczewski' was called General Walter, to avoid a tounge-twister of a name, rather than the more obvious and easily-rememberd spanish name 'General Paco'). Franco suggested the entire of Spain do the same, and kiss him, but the recently formed Republic said no, and went so far as saying "you're a facist for wanting us to become part of your Franquistas, we will never kiss you for you are uglier even than El Campesino". Franco was not pleased, and invaded the Republic.

Quickly, many generals rallied to Franco's cause, and between 1936 and 1939 more of Spain was forced to kiss Franco, until it was all conquered by Franco. Madrid held out against Franco for three years; upon which capture and kiss Franco had pre-declared that he have a date with Madrid in the "Puerta del Sol", and have "communion with Madrid", which was a by-word in those days for a peck-on-the-cheek.

Manuel Azana and his leftist pals, the Socialists, the Anarchists of the CNT/FAI and the Communists weren't altogether too keen on the army being so naughty, and so armed the people and rallied the loyalist army and police units. The problem was, although they didn't like the rebelling Nationalists, they didn't much like each other, either. The result was Spain got in an awful mess as the dominant political group of each region in the Republican Zone seized partially autonomous power. This led to Republican dominance in Madrid, which, as the centre of government remained under central control, but Anarchist or Socialist rule in other areas (e.g. Anarchism in Barcelona. The accompanying social revolution meant that the Republicans, far from being easily crushing the uprising, were going to be too busy wearing overalls and abolishing money to do anything useful like fighting.

a spanish poster.

The strongest element of the army was in Africa overseeing Morocco, but were going to have to swim it as the Air Force and Navy remained loyal to the government. The commander of the Army of Africa was Francisco Franco, who would soon become the world's second shortest dictator (he was even smaller than Hitler and Mussolini, but nothing on Napoleon. Why were all these dictators so damn short?) Just as Franco was resigning himself to putting on his trunks, the kind, big-hearted Adolf Hitler sent him a fleet of transport aircraft. Invading the south of Spain in a manner almost as vicious as British tourists, the elite troops of the Moroccan brigades advanced northwards, knocking the Republican armies for six. However, by this point the Spanish were getting rather tired of war as it was all a little too much like work.

The Republicans were renowned for their spectacular military defeats on par with French conoisseurs of the art of losing. At the battle of Brunette who lived west of Madrid(who was needless to say of brown hair, a woman who refused to kiss Franco and thus the Franquistas and the Republicans fought over her) the Republicans staged their greatest defeat of the war: the army was now under the communist control of Juan Modesto. The idea was to throw thousands of infantry at well-entrenched Franquistas positions. This idea was taken taken from the book of "how to lose a battle in ten steps", under the heading "The Somme". It succeeded spectularly, with no victory and thousands of casualties for the Republic, just like every other battle.

The worst act of the war - so the Basque country thought anyway - was the German carpet bombing of the Oak of Guernica. There was one thing the Basques could not take; kill their women and children, their country and land, but the Oak; this crime was never forgotten, or indeed at the suggestion by Mr Basco de Gama, taken up at the Nuremburg Trials either; it was laughed out as "absurd how anyone could care so much about an oak, that's probably why you lost Oh Basque Country, honestly 'way to defend your country'".

Foreign Intervention[edit]

The sagging Republican war effort was rejuvenated by the entrance of the Free Willy Brigade, a non-consensus post-structural affinity group of Jane Fondas. There was also Leon Trotsky, who they say rode through here with a sixteen-gun and a lotta heart and left with the scalps of seventy pinche fascistas on his belt. Unfortunately he was later shot by a Stalinist prison guard in Vietnam for supposedly trying to leap over a 30-foot concrete wall after supposedly attempting to smuggle a Browning pistol through a prison checkpoint by hiding it in his afro and supposdely start a prison riot. Which is obvious bullshit if you ask me [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much], hey cut that out [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much], stop it![Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] you[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]can[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]'t[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]SIL[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]EN[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]C[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]

Then the Nazis showed up and saved the day and killed all those damn church-burning Reds and Jews that were causing such trouble for the noble, upright, even a little bit Aryan (just a little), Spanish peasant.

The international community, which in the 1930's meant Britain and suprisingly France was unsure how to treat a communist state in Europe complaining about being attacked by Facists. It reminded Britain of the time Ireland said "help us we're being invaded by gypsies", or the time La Gironde said to Paris "M'aider! M'aider les Corses nous abattent" (a joke fewer people will get) and so Britain said to everyone in the football-League of Nations: "Don't help the republic, erm, because...they have a gay looking flag". This was for good reason; some of the flag was purple, an unprecedented colour scheme in Europe. The Germans and Italians replied "Can we still bomb them?" to which Britain replied "Europeans killing each other has been the diplomatic goal of Britain since 1304".


The Spanish Civil War sucked pretty bad, mainly because the goodies lost and the baddies won. Francisco Franco wasn't quite so much as a loser as the other dictators of the 20th Century, but he was still a jerk who liked telling people what to do. However, the aftermath was not all bad. As is their custom, from 1955 the United States decided to do what they do best and waste lots of money on another country they have a strategic interest in (c.f. Germany, Korea, Vietnam, Iraq etc etc) and Spain's economy was transformed, and everyone knew where they wanted to take their holidays. Essentially the war was all very sad and if those reactionary idiots had taken a look at some of the other, better countries (i.e, Britain) and realised "Hey, rather than sitting on all the land, why don't we, y'know, share it a bit so the masses will stop trying to kill us?" then things would have been way cooler.

The Spanish Civil War in literature and on screen[edit]

At the height of the war, in 1937, when the Republic was still fighting the Franquistas and not the Republic, the book "For Whom The Noob Lols" was a first hand account of the goings on of an american who was sent to blow up a bridge in the west of the Spain. It is an authoritative read for anyone interested in studying the period. The title was taken from a sermon by "John the Don" who, in 17th century said "No noob is an island," (meaning he doesn't know where he is, and is surrounded by a sea of idiocy) and "do not ask for whom the noob lols, he lols at thee" (meaning perhaps you too are laughed at by a noob sometimes).

The movie 'Ofelia' was about a girl who lived in northern spain during the 1940's. Another non-fictional account of the war involved a girl entering into another realm called "the Republic" inhabited by satyrs, fairies and a giant frog. To enter into the Republic which by then was illegal, she had to rescue a key from a frog, a key from a Fascist child-eating zombie, and finally to prick her brother with a knife. in the end she didn't want to prick her brother with a knife, and so could not enter into the Republic. Nor could she be a facist; her father only wanted her alive while her mother was, and so her step-father killed her. This sums up the Republic very neatly, and is also the best non-fiction film around to explain the Spanish civil war.

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