“This article is all c**k. It's a miracle I don't huff it!”
“In Soviet Russia, Ham spanks YOU!”
Spanky Ham (full name Spankerson Ffarquhar Hammerville) is an Internet billionaire and playboy who has made a hell of a lot out of his Flash cartoons for porn sites and his recurring appearances on the Reality TV show, Drawn Together.
Spanky was born in 1980 as the youngest in a family of 98 in the slums of Los Angeles. His parents, Cholmondeley Hammerville and Hortense Hammerville, were homeless destitutes being forced to have so many children as a cheap alternative for Turkey at Christmas (being Pigs in more ways than one, it wasn't necessarily cannibalism, just a cheap way of producing Pork).
When he was aged 7, Spanky had been fattened up enough to be cooked. But his parents, who had eaten all the other 97 kids, had become increasingly fat and impotent, and died of heart attacks. Spanky then ate them and left his home in the dark alley, in the hope of finding a new career.
With no qualifications except his parent's training in Infanticide, Spanky landed a job at a kindergarten as a classroom assistant, but his excessive swearing led to his dismissal.
“Hey, can I help it if the f***ing little f***ers won't keep f***ing still in their f***ing seats and pay f***ing attention?”
Eventually, after countless attempts to be a road sweeper, a drug addict, a firefighter and a US Senator, Spanky settled down as the Manager of an Internet Cafe in Hollywood, using his spare time to chat up sluts and whores on dirty porn sites. As this career continued, Spanky soon taught himself how to make Flash cartoons, and began producing some short skits for various porn websites.
Each cartoon produced by Spanky starred a Flash cartoon version of him swearing at the camera or humping the first thing in sight for about a minute or so. As time went on, Spanky was eventually paid to create several cartoons for various porn sites in some hope of using the Spanky Ham logo as a tourist attraction for their websites.
As the money continued to roll in, Spanky moved out of his old job and started up an enterprise to pump out several cartoons an hour, and using the income to buy his dream home, SpankyHam Palace, on the outskirts of Pasadena. By 2002, when Spanky was 22, over 318 cartoons had been produced for over 65 different porn sites. Spanky was a millionaire, and his dirty background meant that any smearing from the press would be pure fact for once.
Entering Drawn Together
“When I was first told about the show, I thought "Why not? Let's give it a try". It was when a Sherman tank with a driver that shouted "Heil, Amerikan schweinhund!" turned up to collect me that I had bad feelings about it.”
As part of their sick attempt to socially engineer cartoon characters and curb any opposition and gain power, Comedy Central offered Spanky a role on the series Drawn Together, as an attempt to slow up production of porn cartoons so that Comedy Central can catch up while dealing with their war on Niggerlodeon. Since then, Spanky has been trapped inside the Drawn Together house, unable to escape, and resorting to shitting in fruit just to get a cheap laugh.
Since entering Drawn Together, Spanky has had only one break from the series, to appear in the 2025 movie Cartoon Movie 3 as a corrupt clubowner named Horny Pig, who was based loosely on the younger Spanky.
|Drawn Together cast|