Special VAT

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Ah, a sign of quality.
An average man trying to recycle his Special VAT, as it is very expensive and Britain is cought in a Credit Crunch.

“...You're my best friend.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Special VAT

Special VAT (also referred to as “The Holy Spirit”) is the finest beverage in the world. With distilleries stretching as far as southern Narnia it is the worlds most drank beverage, especially in most of Britain where it has sold more litres than The National Water Board.


Special VAT was invented by God when he planted a tree of “forbidden fruit” in the Garden of Eden. God knew that the apples from this tree would make the sweetest, smoothest and most potent cider of all time which he could bring to Paris Hiltons house party. He forbid Adam and Eve from eating the fruit and went back to making hurricanes, tornadoes and striking people with lightning.

While god was away Adam was sick of running from the hideous naked hag Eve and hid behind gods forbidden apple tree. While he was hiding, he saw an odd looking snake fall out of the tree. “I… am… steeeeeeeeemin!” hissed the serpent. Adam looked at the serpent. “Man, try this apple!” slurred the snake and Adam replied, “Thy’n lips shall never touch the forbidden fruit.” but the snake nudged the rotten apple toward Adam and said “Man… just… shhhh.” And Adam picked up the Apple and said “Well, God did land me with this fat slag so… ok then” and with that Adam squeezed the Cider out of the apple and into his mouth and lo! Adam was drunk.

With his body intoxicated and mind slurred, his eyes were now open to the natural beauty within Eve. He immediately mounted Eve and fell asleep on her breast. God returned and said “Adam! Thoust has disobeyed my order, fuck off!” and God banished Adam and Eve from his garden. Later, when Adam sobered up he planted the seeds from the apple found in his excrement and Special VAT was born.


Special VAT is a very prestigious and very expensive cider, but Spar is currently having a two for one deal so it’s a good idea to stock up. With the current financial crisis in Britain, Special VAT has lowered its prices from £246.95 per litre to £2.95 per litre and thus has lowered its standards considerably involving itself with taboos such as underage drinking, binge drinking and consumption within third world countries such as Africa and Carmarthen.


Special VAT has many uses in many different countries. These include:

• Celebrations,

• Getting drunk,

• Underage Drinking,

• Removing stubborn dirt,

• Removing stubborn neighbours,

• Diluting baby formula,

• Curing death,

• Causing death,

• Forgetting,

• De-uglying women,

• Impotence problems,

• Paint thinner,

• Hot dates,

• Space food,

• Diesel,

• Making your willy bigger,

• Getting pandas to mate,

• Transporting organs,

• Keeping Johnny Vegas happy.

Official Anthem (Sang to the theme of Spider man)[edit]

Special VAT,

Special VAT.

Drink it up,

You ugly twat.

It blinds my eyes,

So I can’t see.

All the shit,

That’s on T.V.

Shut uuuuup,

And give us the Special VAT!