Speed lynching

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Place of Origin: Salem, Massachusetts (1692)

Speed lynching is the sport of lynching as many potential witches as possible within a given time. Modern variations of this popular sport include the lynching of gays, Jews, Gypsies, Blacks, democrats, and the French. The time limit varries upon a.) the experience of the players, and b.) the difficulty of the target. Gays, the French and Gypsies fall into the easy/beginner category, whereas Jews and Blacks are moderate. The only class with no time limit whatsoever is the democratic congressional majority, as no time limit can be accepted due to the near impossibility of the task.

Progression throughout History[edit]

Although started by various farmers who were generally looking for a good time hunting witches, the sport quickly gained international renown. The French held such a passion for it that it was briefly set up as their political system during their controversial civil war, as can be seen in the last twenty pages (the part that had a plot) of Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities. Below is a list of other renowned Speed Lynching Tournaments:


The sport of Speed Lynching has become so insanely popular that a few teams have been formally organized. Teams include the Feminists, Al Qaeda, Al Capone and Al Pacino, the Fascist Party in Canada, the Care Bears, Arnold Schwarzenegger,the Chicago Bears, France, and the U.S. Army, which is by far the largest and most active team in the league.


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The general strategy is, of course, to be the first team to catch, bind, and burn/hang/huff the target witch or other minority. The finer points vary by team. The Care Bears, for example, attempt to infiltrate the enemy base via annoying teenage girls. The French tend to simply run around in circles with their heads up their rectal orifices in an attempt to confuse their targets. For a final example, the U.S. Army relies heaviily on the "seek and destroy" method, simply fanning out and searching entire mountain ranges for their quarry. Although this technique has proven ineffective, the U.S. Army's team captain (whose mental health is under investigation) still insists on this ill-advised strategy.


No violence shalt thou commit to thine adversary, excepting that thine opponent be the French.

Thou shalt catch, bind, and dispose of thy target in a timely fashion, so as to be faster than the other team.

A bird in thine hand is worth two in thine yonder hedge plant.

The use of Celine Dion music as a method of incapacitating thine capable opponent shall be deemed most iniquitous.