Spherical Cows

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“In Soviet Russia, spherical cow considers YOU!!'”

~ Russian Reversal on Spherical Cows

Spherical cow is a standard utilized to create highly complex scientific models of reality. The use of spherical cows in modeling comes about from their longstanding love/hate relationship with theoretical physicists and the fact that the physicists couldn't retain more attractive (and human) models.

A spherical cow jumps over the moon.

Precipitating incident[edit]

In early summer, 1996, milk production at a Wisconsin dairy farm was very low. The farmer wrote to the state university, asking help from academia. A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, and gathered a national convention in Madison to address the problem. [1] A few weeks later, the physicist phoned the farmer, "I've got the answer," he said, "But it only works when you consider spherical cows in a vacuum. . . ."[2] Subsequent events are shrouded in neuralized mystery, but we do know that the first lunar migratory flight of spherical cows launched from the farm a few weeks later.

Spherical cow modeling is intended to demonstrate that physicists will often reduce a problem to its simplest form in order to make calculations more feasible, even though such simplification may hinder the model's application to reality. In the case of the farm analysis, this reduction breached the trust between the physicists and the cows, resulting in the hushed up incidents at CERN and NORAD and our current shaky armistice with the bovine fleet that defends the lunar migration paths.

Combat and defense[edit]

Spherical cows appear slow moving, however through internal redistribution of their mass, they can turn on a dime and pose an instant threat to aggressors. Given a few seconds to begin bouncing, a spherical cow can become a truly awesome destructive force possessing enough mass to flatten a grown man with the finality of a meteor strike.[3] Standard FPS strafing tactics are effective in single combat, if one is careful to note that the cows can not change direction in mid-air and time evasive maneuvers appropriately.

Combat notes:[edit]

Vacuum operations[edit]

Spherical cows are extremely dangerous in a vacuum environment, as they require no air and their style of locomotion is well adapted to low- and zero-gravity conditions. A single enraged spherical cow can destroy an entire lunar outpost.

Hunting season[edit]

Spherical cows migrate to Lunar pastures during Autumn and back to Wisconsin in the Spring; a pattern indistinguishable from that followed by the elderly human population of the state. While Spherical cows are reputed to be excellent game animals, few licenses are issued due to the deadly nature of the prey. Properly trained and certified hunters can apply to bag two cows per winter season and are restricted to hunting on one of the two original Lunar reservations set aside for this purpose. The cows themselves have no bag limits and frequently take out several hunters at once.


You clicked right down to this section, didn't you? You probably just wanted to see some cow tits.

See also[edit]


  1. American Astronomical Society (1996). AAS 188th Meeting, Madison, WI, June 1996. [1]. Retrieved on 2010.
  2. Harte, John (1988), Consider a Spherical Cow: A Course in Environmental Problem Solving, University Science Books, ISBN 978-0935702583, <http://www.uscibooks.com/harte.htm>.
  3. Kirkman, T. W. (1996). Spherical Cow: A Simple Model. Statistics to Use. Retrieved on 2007#February.

External links[edit]

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