Spice Boys

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The typical Spice Boy of the current generation, complete with new-retro hairstyling.

Spice Boys are a group of people (usually male) who buy clothes, which often look gay or homosexual, at ridiculous prices. Typically they are not because they love nobody other than themselves and spent approximately an hour each week plucking their eyebrows. they also like to wear fake tan :P


Spice Boys, also known as Nancy Boys, Twats and Julian Clary, are the latest breed of stereotypical youths (following the likes of the Goth, Chav and Surfey). They are noted as being the weakest of these four main groups, as unlike the others, they spend more time on their appearance than on becoming the dominant group. They tend to shop in such places as River Island, USC and Burberry (which angers local Chav populations), and unless an item of clothing costs at least £60, they will only buy it to bait the Chavs into their Tent in a vain attempt to try and convert them(see below).

They spend roughly 24 hours a week standing in front of a mirror and/or a camera attempting to catch their good side as it runs away with fear.

Most Spice Boys are secret World of Warcraft fanatics, though they never let anyone know about their obsession. Many of them attend MMORPG conventions under different names such as "Warlock", "Ezekial" and "Troy" so as to avoid detection by their peers. Many believe they may have links to gypsys through their ancient ancestry, given that both races look much alike and share many features, such as reading Tarot, stealing things, having STI's and generally being unbelievably irritating.


“Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, don't look around the eyes, look into my eyes. You're under.”

~ Kenny Craig on Hypnotizing people
He hardly knew what was coming...

Few are born Spice Boys, many were just normal guys going about their everyday business, before being abducted and forced to watch hours of David Beckham footage (which, let's face it, will make that knife look like a real good friend). Take the poor guy on the right for example, who hasn't been the same since he was lured into the Spice Boy tent with a packet of Cheetos and forced to watch "David Beckham's Top 100 Interviews".

Even as we speak, more and more conversion tents are being set up across the country, and with conversion rates at an all-time high, it won't be long before we are overrun. Who will they go after next? They could be behind you as you read this... FOR GOD'S SAKE, QUICK TURN AROUND!!!!!........ Okay, false alarm, but NEXT TIME you may not be so lucky. They won't get me, I can tell you that, 'cos I'm getting my ass over to Jamaica before they get the chance


The term 'Spice Boy' originated in the USA in 1975 where Michigan-born Drive-Thru Clerk Robin Banks was branded "The Spice Boy" after sneaking chilli powder into the French Fries and causing a flood of customers to bombard public toilets across the state.

Robin Banks on the day of his Court hearing.

The term Spice Boy was re-defined in 1998 by Sir David of Beckham in Manchester Crown Court, where the court ruled that the term "Spice Boy" would hereby describe: "A man or genderless who wishes to partake in the wearing of female and/or homosexual clothing and show off in a manner that would suggest his sexual insecurity", though many "modern" Spice Boys would dispute this definition as being "half-correct" as they feel that genderless people should not be classified in the same category.

The Great Spice War[edit]

The Chav leader with his army, each wielding a custom-made bit of Pipe.

In the year 2009, the Spice Boy race finally developed some backbone and challenged the Chav population for control of the spot near the wheelie bin at the Kwik Save in Slough. The Chavs were not prepared to surrender their turf easily, and soon, the Great Spice War broke out. The war lasted for 5 months, intense fighting filled these months, during which 8 Spice Boys broke a nail and 15 Chavs ran out of White Lightning, resulting in one of the biggest massacres of recent years. The area of turf was eventually claimed by the Goths in early 2010 but the Chavs soon regained control by kidnapping the Goth Godfather Marilyn Manson and holding him ransom for the turf and a box of 10 packs of Lambert & Butler cigarettes. Fiona Mactaggart, MP for Slough, stated that gang activity in the area was at an all-time low, though many critics have made claims of Ms. MacTaggart being on the Chav "payroll".

“I finks that theres nuffin wrong wiv the area at the moment, mosh.”

~ Fiona Mactaggart on the Great Spice War

The Spice Boys returned to Slough in late 2012, accompanied by their new partners/bitches, the Emos. With the Emos' razor blades and the Spice Boys' Hair Spray/Lighter combination, they managed to overcome the Chav population. However victory was short lived as the Spice Boys rebelled against the Emos, leaving none alive. Just as victory seemed on the horizon, the Chav leader returned from his pilgrimage to Mecca with the entire Chav army, all wielding their custom-made bits of Pipe. The Chavs ruthlessly slaughtered the entire Spice Boy crew, cutting through their leader Sir David of Beckham in just less than 7 seconds.

The goth leader Marylin Manson and his apprentice Darth Razer.

Though yet again, trouble was brewing, as the Chavs' celebratory drink of White Lightning was spoiled by a huge surge of Goths, led by the Godfather, Marylin Manson, who was seeking revenge for 2010. The battle waged between Goths and Chavs then went down in history as the bloodiest battle since Hastings, in which numerous members of each side were killed (see below), before Kim Jong-Il destroyed the remainders using his prototype Korean Nucrear Sherrs.

Special Mention: Spice Boys of the North East[edit]

One of the most prominent sections of the Spice Boy army is based in Sunderland and Newcastle. The classic signs of Spice Boys in the northeast is their affiliation to Myspace. Their Myspace page will be frankly littered with a number of pictures of themselves and their Spice-affiliates, generally outside of Pacha or Space - captioned only with the phrases "How mashed were we?"

Spice Boys love to brag about drug use, and exactly how many pills they can do on a night out, how long it kept them up and how close they nearly got to getting it up that night.

The main attire of a North East spice boy, is a skinny tie and a cardigan - or so it is at present time of writing. This will change 6 months after the rest of the country has moved on. The baking hot summer will still bear witness to many Spice Boys still 'pimping' these outfits.

Spice Boys in the North East discovered Calvin Harris. They really did.

Casualties of the Great Spice War[edit]

The following people were all counted among the casualties of the Great Spice War, though there were many bodies that have remained unidentified. Note that many of the casualties go under aliases, the Chavs having traded their real names for cigarettes, the Goths having no birth name (as a result of not being naturally born), and the Emos just being really freaky. Jimmy the Nail, (despite common misunderstanding) is not an alias, it is actually his given birth name.

Spice Boys[edit]


  • Jimmy the Nail - Deputy Leader
  • Frank Harper
  • Spencer Spencer
  • Homo Spice
  • Kevin Floyd
  • Shirley Evans
  • Dorian Gleeson
  • Lloyd Webster
  • Daniel Orp


  • David Beckham - Leader
  • Frankie Howerd
  • Johnny Kissinger
  • Jet George
  • Orson Welles
  • Neil Fruman
  • Niall Juniper
  • Liam Bosman
  • Ray Ford



  • Lauren the bucket
  • Meesh
  • Mosh
  • Mush
  • Ralph
  • Peter Andre
  • Mike
  • Grassman
  • Hashman
  • Blowman
  • Crackman


Many Chavs met their end thanks to Kim Jong-Il.
  • Blowin' Yoda - Leader
  • Terry - Deputy Leader
  • Hank
  • Troy
  • Bob
  • Jerry
  • Tania
  • Betty
  • Lou
  • Trish
  • Vicky Pollard
  • Samantha
  • Dennis
  • Archie
  • Ron
  • Spence
  • Joey
  • Becky
  • Cath
  • Pike
  • Stool
  • Schoolie
  • Paedo
  • Humpy
  • Lumpy
  • Coke
  • Pep



The Emo leader shortly after being hit in the face by a glass bottle of Boss.
  • Ian Hecox - Leader
  • Good Charlotte
  • MCR Hammer
  • Pythagoras
  • Lily
  • Hillbilly Jane
  • Kirk
  • Marcel "Pxicho" Neuberger



  • Marylin Manson - Leader
  • Darth Razer - Deputy Leader
  • Savage Ripper
  • Alice Cooper
  • Spine Hacker
  • Limb Shredder
  • Tree Hugger
  • John
  • Tentacle Joe
  • Silas
  • Harold the 13th
  • Jacob Betchemen
  • Acid Man
  • Venom

Spice Boys in Popular Culture[edit]

Kim Jong-Il is a huge fan of The Offspring.

Spice Boys are regularly seen and referred to in popular culture, the most common reference being the Punk Rock songs "Original Spice Boy", "Pretty Fly for a Spice Guy" and "Why Don't You Get a Life?" by The Offspring. "Pretty Fly for a Spice Guy" reached Number One in the music charts of 46 different countries, including North Korea, where leader Kim Jong-Il is reportedly a huge fan and bought nearly every single copy for himself.

“Offspring's Spice Boy songs rearry kick ass!”

~ Kim Jong-Il on The Offspring's Spice Boy songs

Spice Boys also made a brief cameo in the 2001 film Spice World 2 when 5 of them appeared in a Rap Battle against Sporty, Ginger, Scary, Posh and Baby, during which Ginger spontaneously combusted, as well as appearing as the North-by-North-West Staines Massive in Ali G In Da House.


To qualify as a Spice Boy, one must have at least 7 of the following traits:

  • Own at least one £40 Baseball Cap and/or Beanie
  • Spend at least £200 on clothing per month
  • Try excessively hard (and unsuccessfully) to pull a girl
  • Take a picture of yourself at least once a week
  • Have one or more of the following: Jewel encrusted Ear Stud, Spot Covering Face Pack, Lip Gloss, an overused Bebo/MySpace account
  • Treat all non-Spice Boys as inferior
  • The ability to say things which nobody actually cares about to everybody that doesn't care about it
  • The ability to bore the shit out of anyone
  • Have at least 40 R 'n' B songs downloaded from Limewire
  • Have your hair dyed at least once in a ridiculous colour

Famous Spice Boys[edit]

See Also[edit]