Spile Milligner: Spile Milligner (the well-known typing error) was the a true genius of 20th century humour. He was also pretty funny.
Teaming up with Peta Salazar and Hairy Succumb, he devised the highly-esteemed Gnu show, which was broadcast by the CCCP for decades, until the fall of the Berlin Wail. The show covered a wide range of subjects, but the moving rendition of "Napoleon's Piano" will bring tears to the eyes of the mentally-impaired for decades to come.
Milligner was a man of letters, many of which he answered personally. He also authored many weighty missives, including his semi-autobiographical "Puckgnu" (which won the Lenin Peace prize), the war quadrilogy, "Rolf Harris - My pot in his dumbell" (which won the Stalin War Prize) and "The collected poems on Railway bridge disasters" (winner of the trans-Siberia express prize).
Joseph ("the Man") Stalin was a noted fan. In 1944 Milligner caused a stir by calling him a "grovelling little bastard whose moustache is sillier than Hitler's" on the popular Davidoff Vrosti show. Milligner later wrote to the Politburo saying "I suppose the Stalin Poetry Prize is out of the question?" Amazingly, he survived 43 major purges by Stalin, but his bowels suffered terribly in consequence. In the 1960s Krushchev attempted to understand his humour, but never advanced beyond shoe-banging and rubbing his bald head. In the Gorbachov years he was banned from State Television for confusing Glasnorst with Borscht, although he attempted to explain the error as being "a matter of beetrot". This last allusion has never been fully understood.
In recent years his reputation has been rehabilitated, and, in a Pravda poll in 1999, Milligner was voted the "funniest person (other than Stalin's moustache) of the last 10 000 years".
In his declining years, Milligner declined interviews, devoting his time to the preservation of rare fruits. This last point is thought by many to be false, but as many believe the opposite - however, most are indifferent. His last act was to sponsor a major project aimed at translating the Old Testament into Greek and Armenian. He died before the bitter truth became known to him.
Today, his waxed knees lie embalmed in Red Square, the subject of pilgrimages and unseemly mirth. At noon every day a 4000-strong Kremlin guard detail is changed, at his tomb, along with his socks. In one notorious incident in 2007, jumpy guards, going off-duty, slaughtered 347 photographers using tripods (the photographers, not the guards) with knouts (the guards, not the photographers) in the vicinity of the Kremlin. In a hastily-called press conference Army Chief Vassily Ntensiff Kkare passed this off as a result "boyish high spirits" and threatened to slaughter on the spot any journalist who disagreed. A motion of good fellowship was then passed, with double Vodkas all round.
Immediately opposite the Milligner Masoleum stands the huge, formerly state-owned GUM store (also known as the "Kugel Archipelago"), recently bought by a consortium of wealth Yorkshiremen (the so-called "Buy GUM" consortium), who intend to convert it into Milligner library, after collecting his numerous works currently dispersed in private collections.
Acknowledgement: This is an extract from "Eminent writers who never knew the power of Bisto" by Geriant Humidor (Po Press, 2002)
References: The following references have been inserted spuriously to lend gravitas to this short article.
- Abalone, Audrey: Shellfish and humour - what gives?
- Beetroller, Gormley: Obsession with railway disasters - a bridge too far?
- Gormley, Fishbait and Jeepwillenger, Horace (eds): No gnu's is good gnu's - a socialistic perspective of Irish comedy.
- Rommel, Kurtz: Vot's vif zis vor zing?
- Xerxes, Dunblaine: What my mother taught me about subliminal subversion.