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The wicked act of spooning. Note the balls turning blue regardless of the romantic font above the bed.

“ It's a trap!”

~ Admiral Ackbar on spooning

“I’m going to eat your [bodily orifice] out like its ice cream!”

~ Oscar Wilde on spooning

A sex act which involves the use of an eating utensil (usually a spoon) or a phallus used in the same manner as an eating utensil to explore bodily orifices and provide sexual stimulation. In addition to being immensely pleasurable, it is also an excellent method of mining the human body of its resources. The use of spooning to extract resources from the body was recently patented by Crap’n’Cum Inc. Following the patent, the Crap’n’Cum Inc stock rose tremendously, briefly rising above Microsoft’s stock.

Spooning (archaic usage)[edit]

A sleeping position that dates back to medieval times. Its origins can be traced to covens of evil witches trying to rob peaceful slumber from hard working men. The act has been carried on for centuries, being taught by mother to daughter, in an eternal onslaught of female tyranny.

The Position[edit]

While on their sides the male is entangled behind the female. The name of the position is clearly derived from its resembling two forks jammed together and balanced on the end of a toothpick (see Mr. Wizard). Women will often wiggle their moneymaker and rub their hindquarters seductively to get the man to oblige into this lie of nurturing. This is the trap as yet to be sprung. Once caught in the allure of naughty grinding the woman falls asleep leaving the man captured and with wood. Attempts to escape are met with the double-barreled lies of nuzzle and sexy whimper.

The following morning our abused male will find himself weary, half of his body numb from lack of proper bloodflow, and sore with pent-up soldiers that never saw the frontline.

Ancient Spooning[edit]

Inspired from the evil only found in the animal kingdom.

Egyptian pyramids have been decorated with drawings showing kittens, their most-honored beasts of burden, in the spoon position. Scholars have debated if these are showing cats in rest or rather in the heated throws of furry cat-orgy, but for our purposes its spooning. As slave workers completed their daily pyramid building ahead of schedule each day pharaohs thought they were too good at their work, they were slaves after all, there should be some measure of toil and anguish. Nubile young women were sent among the slave camps at night. The next day the pharaohs did grin at the obvious crooked backs and droopy eyes of their slave population.

In medieval times when women became overwhelmed with bodices, chastity belts, and those gay looking powdered wigs, they decided it was time for men to suffer. They turned to the wisest of their time, and when none could be found they sought out the soothsayers, and when they were discovered to be insane someone saw the cover of a National Geographic featuring Pyramids and their solution was found.

How to Stop It[edit]

Men have been trying to find a way to cope or escape from the spoon for eons. Some settle with the "arm under the pillow" technique, which alleviates the issue of underside arm from losing bloodflow but does not bring sweet sweet slumber altogether. The following is a closely guarded list of things that can give a window of opportunity for escape:

  • Eat a dead rat: Prior to a disabled nuns bedtime i consume a dead rat whole. Once in the spoon position open your mouth and breath heavily on your partner's neck. She should either shun you away or spasm violently from the smell. Either way you're free.
  • Taco Bell: The bean burrito is your salvation. Lew's Skool of Spuds n Stuff recommends at least 2, but no more than 4 unless you intend to burn your sheets in the morning. As digestion completes you will find the supreme power to summon a foul cloud demon from your ass to aid you (it is also well known that females have a -4 penalty vs breath weapon so the ass-rot will have the advantage). To expand this effect a Dutch Oven is also a big thumbs up.
  • Be the Dutch Boy: Call her bluff and put your finger in the...um...yeah. It is recommending that your knees be crossed prior to this move for protections against retaliation.
  • Deviate your Septum: Breaking your nose might seem extreme but the plan is two fold. You will most likely develop a lumberjack-like snore and you should have a cool story to tell your grandkids (ie, break your nose in a bar fight or something).
  • Avoid situations which are likely to entail Spooning such as flat sharing with 3 men