Sporadic Meerkat Generator

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Sporadic Meerkat Generators are evil devices and should be treated as such. Therefore, they can only be destroyed by calling them "You Know What".

The Sporadic Meerkat Generator is a machine implanted within the Earth that does not, and never did, exist; much like the fact that it is on a list of 100 Worst Nonexistent Words of All Time, which was not known by the creator and he approves wholeheartedly.

The Quintessence of Randomly Calculated Beastio-Fabrication, or TARDIS[edit]

When the current world of Democrats in da House o' Representatives Earth was created by the almighty Bob Riley, implaced within the world's core was an ancient and slightly swarthy machine capable of great things. Those futile wishes were quite dashed when the Essence of Evil, the colour of Red, descended upon the Earth. This fog of red was inhabited by mostly liberal pitchfork-wielding salamanders of Allah who had shady connexions to the Lord of Middle-Earth, who had conspired upon Corascant to destroy all Grues and their descendants. The salamanders of Allah then began to ululate profusely and spew forth demons in the form of flaming frog biscuits. The machine had to retreat further into the core of the Earth, creating all the minerals inside the Earth known today. Except Allalallium, the element of Fear.

The Machine Within the Earth[edit]

The formerly mentioned machine, having been named generically as BoB, was that of a giant sewing machine that ran on punch cards; no connexion to Jacquard's loom being drawn, as it had not been created at the time, though you thought it was. It should also be noted that at the time of this machine's creation, it was the year of 1842.5.6, having six tenths of five tenths of a single year passed. However, as the Earth progressed from its initial Puritan beginnings, to a Retro-Futuristic wasteland, to a single pool of bacteria and male chicken semen, to the Great Empire of Great Britain (they have ships), to the contemporary fear-driven democracy that all countries upon Earth possess (except German communists and those purificated Puritans of Latin America), this machine remained a static emplacement beneath the free soil.

It shall happen in 2037 that this machine will transmogrify and ultimately become the giant Sporadic Meerkat Generator that shall enslave all humanity within its remarkably short lifespan of 0xFFFFFF years, a.k.a White. It has a half-life of two billion, though this is conjecture, as only Patrick Stewart will know how long it shall last due to his hidden fountain of youth purportedly stashed within his backyard next to all of those dead bodies I had to hide somewhere. Who doesn't have a bloody glove in their backyard?

What It Be, Cuz[edit]

The Sporadic Meerkat Generator does that which is quite outlined within its linguistic interior, being a generator that runs on an internal infinity generator outlined below:


This reads as, "Infinity creates an undetermined amount of Meerkat," the = not standing for the commonly understood equals, but for the lesser known poetic license. Additionally, Meerkat in this case remains the same in singular and plural forms as a "static nounification", as it can be any number of meerkats from infinity to negative 37, though it is seeded from the computer's clock and the first call is ignored.

Having evolved from a sewing machine into a degenesis engine, the SMG (not to be confused with Master Chief's SMG) still runs upon punch cards (of doom) that are inserted into its rear canal. However, unlike most machines, it can only perform one action, notated as DdnL. This stands for "Drink dnL". As this drink has been phased out, the SMG will not be able to perform this action in the future, and as such, will proceed to destroy the universe as we will know it, causing fireworks to double rotate in four dimensions in the form of tesseracts. Or hamburgers. Whichever it feels most like exploding into at the moment.

The Engine's Schematics[edit]

The Internal Engine of the SMG runs on pure diluted kerosene and essence of chav, although neither gaseous fuels are required to run the engine. When the Lord of Middle-Earth had conspired to annihilate all Grueians in 0x11D7 BCE, he had tried to destroy the SMG (then in sewing machine form) with a well placed Trans-Dimensional Anthropocidical-By-Occupation Retro-Animal Disturber In Signatures-of-Time, abbreviated as TARDIS. This tactic failed, withalstanding, causing the plan to be forgotten by the Alzheimers of the Lords. The TARDIS became an artificially sentient A.I, renaming itself for the first time as Pop Tarts Mohannsson. Mohannsson then began to read numerous books; namely, Mein Kampf and 1984.

These happenstances then lead to it's eventually collapsment into a neutron star, but it began to assume feline qualities and thusly reemerged as the TARDIS itself, now having only eight lives. The TARDIS is the main and only component of the SMG, as it frequently anachronically intermittently evidently assumedly spawns meerkat within its walls. These meerkat then immediately die, releasing flatulence. This is then refined into shat, and spewed forth from the exhaust tube that sits against the top of the TARDIS. The SMG has no use currently or futuristically known.

Materials of the TARDIS[edit]

The TARDIS is created from refined pig glue and obfuscated JAVA code. It has also been askewedly noted that it could possibly contain a minute amount of cocaine, but Coca-Cola has claimed this, causing the TARDIS to remain silent about its containing ingredients. Dave Chappelle has commented that he has been inside the TARDIS, which he has named Africa Africa, and it smells faintly of human feces and engine grease. It is also populated by a small family of Ewoks named the Johannssons. The smallest one is named Smiley Johannsson and currently has a page on MySpace.

In Conclusion from Confusion[edit]

The Sporadic Meerkat Generator is/was/will be dat jive turkey. It be steady workin' on dat perceptualization uv'a dem meerkat. It momma sista be name dat Obama what bin steady runnin' fo' dat gubernatorial office.

No, I don't know what it means, either.