To your left.. A spud.
You're a long way from home friend, let me regale you with an epic poem about turnips.
Oh! a score and four more years ago Poor Soviet Russia was buried under snow, Nothing to eat nowhere to go! Till a supple young turnip flew in my window
I put my arms and legs round his, He said he was the most elusive vegetable in the business I told him I'd never leave him for a carrot or a lentil Then he fell onto me and I whispered "Be gentle!"
Its at this point in time you realise this is no normal person who merely wishes to inspire you with tales of vegetable related fornication.... he looks strange....yet oddly familiar...OH SCHNITT! ITS THE BADGERS! BADGERS AGAIN! RUN QUICK! JESUS CHRIST THEY'RE TAKING OVER! TAKING OVER? OH; They're taking under! Sorry for screaming incoherantly.
INFO ON SPUDS!
Spuds (or potatoes) have been known to be the ugliest of the tubers and usually grow in pairs or groups of seventeen. The average eyesight of the spud is not very good so they need to wear glasses upon their buttocks. The have very bad spelling, and enjoy the company of stange, deluted men. A spud's worst enemy are peaches. No matter what, a spud can never do anything with peaches the way he wants to. You know what ammeen? ;)
For Example: A spud is eating a peaches fruit cup and the last few pieces are stuck at the bottom. A spud is commonly heard saying, at this point: "...F**K YOU DAMN PEACHES!"
Spuds have a limited vocabulary, due to their supreme lack of... well anything really. "You're dead", "I'll kill you!", and "Shut up!" are nearly all it can say, amongst various monstosities and swear words. Also the word "Peaches".