|Runtime||Eighty (80) minutes|
Spy Movie was a 2024 Comedy (or, at least, an alleged comedy) by the twats responsible for Scary Movie, this time taking the piss out of British secret agents to try and cash in on the United Kingdom following the amount of British money that was earned from the Slappy's Angels series.
Plot? Are you sure?
The film opens in London, where the Head of the Not-So-Secret Service, Sir Oremadam (Shadow the Hedgehog), is being debriefed by the Prime Minister (Vladimir Lenin) about Russian spies who are stealing semi-vital secrets and passing them onto Moscow.
Having been debriefed and depantsed, Sir Oremadam hires the only available secret agent, Rudy Twat (Tom Cruise), who is the janitor. Oremadam tells Twat his mission: to infiltrate Moscow and then penetrate into Doris Day's vagina, and then return to London with the recovered information. Accepting the mission, Agent Twat heads off in a Concorde to Moscow.
Once in Moscow, Agent Twat enters the Kremlin to try and find any clues. All he finds is a chewing gum wrapper and an old copy of Soviet Commie Tits. As he heads down a corridor, he meets Karina Poppolotovit (Paris Hilton), a wealthy Russian gypsy who steals from others for a living. Rudy seduces her (or does she seduce him?), and just as they are finishing up, they are arrested by the KGB, and Rudy discovers that Karina is a communist agent.
After being tied up underneath the Kremlin with a rolled-up sock shoved up his anus, Rudy is confronted by two commie soldiers, General Sandovich (Josef Stalin) and Major Thugovish (Bugs Bunny), who try to torture him with every method under the sun, ranging from thumbscrews, the rack, colonic irrigation and forcing Rudy into an Iron Maiden concert. Because of his stiff upper-lip (and, after all this, a stiff upper-everything), Rudy remains defiant, so Thugovish leaves Rudy tied up in Karina's bedroom, to allow the gypsy slut to work her black magic on the British agent.
Just then, Karina is called to a meeting, and leaves Rudy alone, only to be rescued by Ginger (Goofy), a gay double-agent who is working for the British from inside the Kremlin. The two escape into the cellars, where Ginger tells Rudy that the secrets are being smuggled into Moscow from the Russian embassy in London, and are being stored underneath General Sandovich's mattress for safekeeping. Just then, Thugovish confronts them, and Ginger seduces Thugovish into a session of gay sex, allowing Agent Twat to retrieve the documents.
Entering Sandovich's room, Agent Twat recovers the papers, and transfers them to microfilm before putting the actual documents on the fire to be burned. He is about to leave when he hears Sandovich and Karina walking down the corridor, having learned of Twat's escape. Twat hides in the wardrobe, and finds a secret entrance leading to an airplane hangar.
Inside the hangar, Twat steals a plane and escapes, but is intercepted by Russian fighters. He shakes them off by pretending to signal left but instead goes right. Just as he nears the Russian border, Sandovich appears in his personal fighter, with Karina as co-pilot. They blast Twat's plane, but not before he can launch a thermonuclear missile that destroys them and their aircraft. Twat crashes somewhere in Germany, and returns to England, having completed his mission.
Although quite clearly a piece of shit suitable only for toilet paper, Spy Movie fared better than previous films when compared to the Date Movie series and other films, but it was still awful, as Roger Ebert proved in his scathing review for USSR Today:
There's quite obviously an attempt to mimic James Bond here, but it falls flat on it's face 5 seconds after the opening credits. It beats me how anybody can watch this from start to finish without cringing.
The boys have done their homework on the Secret Service, but that doesn't make up for the plot that follows. We've seen all of this done before, and it's just 40 years too late for a film about Russian spies.
In Russia, there were attempts to have the film banned by Leon Trotsky, who had previously worked with the production team on Surreal Movie. But as he was just a stupid little commie who'd been dead for 98 years, nobody took a bit of notice.
Despite the criticism, Spy Movie still made $250,056,000,000,000,000 at the Box Office, making it a blockbuster just like it's many predecessors.
- Tom Cruise - Agent 000, Rudy Twat
- Paris Hilton - Karina Poppolotovit
- Josef Stalin - General Sandovich
- Bugs Bunny - Major Thugovish
- Goofy - Agent 002, Ginger Gay
- Shadow the Hedgehog - Sir Oremadam
- Vladimir Lenin - The Prime Minister
- Rob Zombie - The Monkey Ninja
- Mephiles the Hedgehog - Russian soldier (uncreditted)
- Your Mom - Russian whore (uncreditted)
- Action Movie 2 - Karina Poppolotovit resembles Jessie Bondage from this movie
- Austin Powers - Ginger, the gay secret agent
- Biggles - The secret airplane hangar
- Carry On James Bond - Poisoned drinks
- Agent Cody Banks - Agent Twat has a similar haircut
- The Hunchblack of Notre Dame - Not a spy movie, but it does have an evil gypsy in it
- Johnny English - Malfunctioning revolver gag
- Slappy's Angels - Monkey Ninjas again (the last time was in Action Movie)
Thanks to God, only one sequel was ever made: Spy Movie 2, which was just as awful and mind-numbing as the first one. A script for Spy Movie 3 had been planned, when the writer suffered from a cardiac arrest, and so the world was saved.
|The Scary Movie series|
|Scary Movies||Scary Movie • Scary Movie 2 • Scary Movie 3 • Scary Movie 4|
|Action Movies||Action Movie • Action Movie 2 • Action Movie 3|
|Cartoon Movies||Cartoon Movie • Cartoon Movie 2 • Cartoon Movie 3 • Cartoon Movie 4 • Cartoon Movie 5|
|Date Movies||Date Movie • Date Movie 2 • Date Movie 3 • Date Movie 4|
|Musical Movies||Musical Movie • Musical Movie 2|
|Spy Movies||Spy Movie • Spy Movie 2|
|Other Movies||Alien Movie • Disaster Movie • Epic Movie • Monster Movie • Shark Movie • Silent Movie • Surreal Movie • Suspense Movie|
|Fairy tale movies||Shrek • Shrek 2|