Spyro

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Undeniable proof that Spyro is a former member of The Axis of Evil-Doers.

“In Soviet Russia,spyro thinks your shit”

“What?, So I'm quoting on a Purple Dragon now?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Spyro

“You don't have to catch em??”

~ Ash ketchup on spyro

“You never actually catch the dragon”

~ Stan Marsh on Heroin Hero

Spyro (Born 6th of June 666) was once a pink dragon because of skin cancer. He was once delivered and raised in the Dragon Worlds , or at least that's what The Dragon elders want you to think. He was actually kidnapped from Godzilla whilst still an egg. Unfortunately for Godzilla, his other children (Spyro's brothers who were born purple) - Satan and Hilary Clinton - were also kidnapped (which is why Godzilla attacked Japan). Spyro, being the evil son Of Godzilla, spent his first few years torturing sheep, stealing other dragon's souls and devoting his life to Evil. The Dragon Elders knew that he was a liability but kept him for the pure reason they kidnapped him in the first place, to power their giant 500 square mile greenhouse full of drugs such as cannabis, cocaine, And William Shatner's sweat.

Spyro found a time portal which led to the 1980s back in 675 and used it as often as he could (because drugs and sex were much easier to get in the 80s) but unfortunately became involved with River Phoenix. Trust me, they got up to more than being friends. The night Phoenix died of his fatal overdose, Spyro had taken the same drugs but he mixed it with so much acid and crystal meth that he eventually had permanent combustion in his stomach which only enabled him to breath a pissy little weak flame that couldn't even melt metal-armoured opponents and sucked for long-range attacks. His chronic drug addiction stunted his growth, for a while Gary Coleman and he would often be seen in nightclubs standing on each others backs to give the impression of normal height. Spyro lost the 80s portal one night due to memory loss caused by snorting too many cheese graters.

After this event, Spyro "saved" the Dragons (when he actually was performing his own evil schemes) many times which inspired the video games based on him and later events in his life. Spyro decided to Kill all the Dragons in the early 10th Century due to the fact they kept confusing him with Figment. He then travelled the world and did several jobs. During that time his personality began to change dramaticly. He became obsesse with male dragons and wanting to do his ways to them... surprised? A few years later after the incident, he joined a gay club down in New York City.

Spyro and Willy Wonka[edit]

Druing the mid 60's, spyro won a golden ticket to the Chocolate factory. As Spyro met Willy Wonka, Spyro and the other breeder winners set off into the world of Candy Land. At the factory, they entered in a candy lab where they test out future candies. As they turned their attention away from Spyro, he snatched a Three-Course-Dinner gum and ate it. He began to feel different and suddenly becan to turn purple. Not transforming into a giant blueberry is clearly unknown, his accent and personality changed comlpetely. The Oompa-Loompas began to sing a straight song after the incident and was kicked out...litterly... kick'd in the ass and out into the streets. As his depression got to him, he continued life as usual.. but it began to change big time! So, Spyro was kicked out of the straight club for not being pink anymore, he became more attractive to female dragons instead of males, and wanted to become famous.

Acting Career[edit]

Spyro decided to become an actor in the 20th Century to try and earn some extra money. His first role was an uncredited appearance in Faust as Mephistopheles' helper. Mephistopheles was a major influence on the young and impressionable Spyro. He went on to enjoy great success, starring in over 500 television shows during the 1970s.

In his second run through the 80s, he took as much cocaine as he did the first time. He also managed to find his past self....you don't want to know what the two of them did together.

Video Games[edit]

In 1998, Spyro decided he might become successful if he starred in a video game about his life, especially as he could just hypnotise everyone into playing the game. He chose the software developer Insomniac Games to be his victim and write the program. They were forced into making it after he made threats that he would destroy all their Mudkipz. Due to the greatness of his first game, Spyro The Dragon, Spyro shot to success as a noticeable face of the emerging console war between Sega, Nintendo, Taylor Gogan and Sony. As an East Coast star he, along with Crash Bandicoot and Solid Snake, had an ongoing feud with West Coast Mario, Fox and James Bond. Few cared about the brief southside tenure of Sonic. Spyro went on to star in two more sequels, Spyro 2: Ripto's Rage and Spyro: Year of the Dragon, also based on his life. These were the glory days of video games, and Spyro soon found himself amassing a fortune. He supped on butterfly in Hennessy and slept with high class fairy prostitutes. Hardly anyone spoke out about Spyro being evil, scared they would be fed to crocodiles and Micheal Jackson.

Old Spyro's Demise[edit]

But Spyro had a terrible addiction for collecting random shit (like rotten eggs). He just couldn't help it as soon as someone mentioned some weird artifact that was scattered around levels he simply felt compelled to undergo a long journey across many different worlds (often characterised by differing inhabitants and temperatures) in a vain attempt to collect them all. Dragon eggs, puzzle pieces, golden orbs, stars, coins, shine sprites, keys, spinels, emblems, father-figures, perfect looking body parts, Pogs, Pokemon cards, bottle caps, stamps, tits, whatever he could get his cold-blooded dragon claws on. Others, especially his bosses at Vivendi, could see his habit was getting out of hand but they knew that if they were to fire him they would be killed instantly. So instead, they used the Evolvo-Ray on him which turned him into Eragon... This gave him many side effects such as amnesia, letting random people ride him without any cost and starring in boring novels and films about himself.

Vivendi knew that soon the cops would be after him so they decided to create a clone - well kinda...they stole some hobo's soul and placed it into a Frankenstein plush toy and put make up all over it, this object becoming known as the New Spyro. The first of the New Spyros quests, Spyro: Enter the Drugs, was a disaster. The New Spyro kept drooling all over the set, he had Parkinsons Disease which caused him to walk as slow as a Mac and was as convicing as trying to teach Chinese kids how to not study. The game was crap, but they released it anyway. Upon release, Vivendi knew something was wrong. Young kids seemed to buy the game even though it had bugs crawling all over the case. Vivendi did the only natural thing, recognising an obvious cash cow they pumped these Spyro games like crazy even going so far as just releasing exactly the same game after three years had passed since its original release date.

The Legend Of Spyro Saga[edit]

One day, when the New Spyro was fleeing from Vivendi's cell, he was run over by a car (It was an Asian woman, of cource). His body was completely crushed and destroyed and so, as a result, he was given the Inspector Gadget treatment (meaning as much plastic surgery as Nicole Kidman) which made him uglier than ever). Knowing that he looked much different than before, they decided to completely reboot the series and blame it on "the market dying" which hence created "The Legend of deformed Spyro" series. The series was awful, mainly because it was poorly executed (yeah, right. Just want to bitch about it because it changed). Ignitus was a fat red old fart who eats babies, and Malefor is a smaug knock-off. But because kids in the 21st century like crappy games, they were successful and two more have subsequently been released.

Spyro's appearence in the Legend of Spyro Series

Role in Skylanders[edit]

Spyro and Cynder got killed on a planet that was bombed by Activision back in 2008, and nothing was ever heard from Spyro again until 2011. He was reincarnated into a small purple dinosaur dragon mutant who likes to smoke crack and take opiates and now resides in Skylands. Cynder was reincarnated and sent there aswell, and turned into a slutty mutant dragon prostitute with huge tits and is now small and purple. She, like Spyro is also addicted to hardcore drugs. Cynder, the slutty mutant she is now, goes around Skylands having affairs with every Skylander in sight. Coincidentally, Sparx also resides there but is now not only on Spyro's side, but he is on every Skylander's side for some reason and he, just like Spyro and Cynder, is addicted to drugs now because he can't accept the fact the original Spyro was murdered. Because of his drug use since moving to Skylands, Sparx's face is sort of fucked up and it looks sort of reminiscent to the face of Daxter.

People Spyro knows[edit]

Sparx[edit]

Spyro's slave dragonfly, Sparx, was stolen from Africa, where all the slaves come from. He was originally to be used to find the other dragons for the concentration camps. However, some poachers inserted Spyro's soul into Sparx. Now Spyro has no soul, which could go a long way to describe his irrational and violent behavior. Since Sparx has Spyro's essence inside him, whenever Sparx dies, so does Spyro. Unfortunatly, Sparx has multiple mental disorders which prevent him from flying away and gaining his freedom. This also means that Spyro can't kill the annoying little bastard when it floats around his head. When Vivendi rebooted the series, they knew that they had to kill Sparx because he wouldn't fit into the new, crappier series (because the character was too original). So they tried to kill him by a drive by - unfortunately, this attempt failed and though wounded, he survived. Accidently, they made a hole in his brain which turned him to a creature more annoying than Mariah Carey. Sierra thought this creature was crappy enough so they let him into the reboot.

Ignitus[edit]

Ignitus, according to theorists, is Spyro's dad. He just never showed his bloody mug in the first games because he didn’t get paid enough. Spyro's mother was an underage slag that doesnt know her name, AKA Godzilla. Spyro was their accident. As the cops raided his home in the begining of ANB, he had to hide the evidence of underage sex, so he ditched the egg in the river. years later, he realised spyro was alive and wishes he smashed the egg.

Sgt Byrd[edit]

Sgt Byrd is a spoof of a fag and other secret agent archetypal characters from movies, books, and video games,and other right down to his introduction ("Kick ass bastard"). Byrd speaks with a shitty accent, not unlike James Bond's, and always carries sniper rifles, however, preferes to save ammo.

Cynder[edit]

The new chick that, at first, Spyro wanted to mess her up so badly but when she turns to his age Spyro gets an undesirable urge to rape her so he saves her. So at the temple they had it off. Unfortunately supporting another Dragon got too expensive for the Elders so they kicked her out, partly because she was a whore. Spyro manages to find Cynder for the fact that bitch still owed him money.

Frozen[edit]

Unfortunately, whilst wrestling Cynder for the money; Spyro and Cynder fell into a vat of liquid-nitrogen, which was being tested for leeks during a routine safety inspection. Luckily, they where incased in a crystal air pocket, and after 1 week, the Crystal was unfrozen and Spyro and Cynder where set free. the 2 dragons where exhausted from the incident. Spyro was in a critical condition and was sent to hospital, in contrast, Cynder seemed to have a perpetual smile and had Tourettes attacks over the next month. Spyro was released from hospital a few days later but appeared to have an uncurable case of gary-stu disease. A Test later confirmed he had it all his life. He is also Gay in one game -user:Barney

Games[edit]

  • Spyro The Dragon
  • Spyro 2: Ripto's Rage
  • Spyro: Year of the Dragon
  • Spyro: Ripto comes back again and kills
  • Spyro: How many frikin more times can Ripto come back?
  • Spyro: A hero gets fucked under the tail
  • Spyro: Spyro is stronger -Can combine fart and fire-

Trivia[edit]

  • Spyro was once pink and joined a gay club but rejected him for becoming purple.
  • Spyro and Sparx both chase the same female fairy for fun.
  • Sparx is an ex-accountant.
  • Spyro once had a son but devoured him one week later due to his depression.
  • Sparx can breathe better fire than Spyro but he needs some loving to get it started.
  • Spyro played Joey on Friends
  • Spyro has up to 99 lives. Part cat? You decide!
  • Spyro also won the Guinness Record for "Having the Worst Sequels in History". Like 10 times or so
  • Spyro actually married the Sorceress in the third game, but dumped her in favour of Hunter.
  • Spyro was nearly murdered by Crash Bandicoot.
  • Spyro's finishing move, the Spyro Tap, has been stolen by TNA Wrestler AJ Styles.
  • Spyro once owned a goat, but he ate it.
  • Spyro was briefly king of Spain from 1337-38, but then decided to have a tea party with Hitler, during which they discussed concentration camps.
  • Spyro was put into the California state prison on October 11th 2004 after files containing child pornography found in his computer and under his bed.
  • Spyro's real name is Spiderpig, but he changed it to remove the horrible memories of that time when he lived with...you know who...
  • Spyro is allergic to cheese and if he eats it he will turn into a pufferfish with AIDS
  • Spyro got his colour by eating too many blackcurrants. After 10 hours of surgery, he survived (shit!).
  • Spyro only thought he ate his son but turns out it was cheese so well... yeah allergic reaction.
  • Spyro once had a threesome with Cynder and Ember.
  • Spyro was arrested for eating Lucius Malfoy.
  • Spyro was the main villain in the newest Ganbare Goemon game, Ganbare Goemon 9: Spyro's Counterattack.
  • Spyro is known to drink out of magical toilets in order to get free wishes from toilet genies.
  • Sparx was once eaten by Spyro, but Ripto saved him by cutting Spyro's head off with a light saber.
  • sparx and ripto are secret lovers which sparked rivalry between him and spyro. eventually spyro ate sparx.
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