Squares and rectangles

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Approved by Kansas Board of Education
Approved by the Kansas State Board of Education
This page meets all criteria and requirements for use as teaching material within the State of Kansas public school system. It consists of facts, not of theories, and students are encouraged to believe it uncritically, and to approach alternatives critically.

"Squares and rectangles" was created approximately 6,000 years ago at precisly 9:00 AM by God when he finished creating the earth. It is a line of philosophical reasoning used to completely discredit any line of logical thought done by so-called "scientists" (see nerds)." Most importantly, "squares and rectangles" reasoning can be applied to anything: survival, diamonds, spiders, turbines, turbans, the moon, and calculus. They cannot, however, be used to disprove the existence of God, ever.

Julie: Jim, you really suck at chess.
Jim: You really suck at driving.
Julie: That's a sexist stereotype!
Jim: No it isn't, this is a classic case of squares and rectangles.
Student: Why did i get an F on my paper?
Teacher: You didn't really get an F, I just wanted to see you after class.
Student: I'm really glad this isn't sexual.
Teacher: I know. Otherwise I might lose my job and never see you again.
Student: Hey look! A firetruck!
Teacher: Dammit! Where's my crack pipe??!!
Student: Thats not a firetruck, its just Billy getting the snot knocked out of him.
Teacher: This is squares and rectangles, everyone knows he had it coming.
Orphan: Hey Chef, this soup tastes like piss.
Chef: You ungrateful little bastard! NO SOUP FOR YOU!
Orphan: Fine, I'll just eat Timmy.
Chef: Too bad Timmy tastes like piss, too.
Orphan: Gah! You're right, its those squares and rectangles every time!

Repercussions and Implications[edit]

Mathematical Proof[edit]

In order to sound smart, scientists here at Uncyclopedia have worked approximately 4.7 all-nighters to figureing out the mathematical basis of "squares and rectangles." As the equations show, "squares and rectangles" beats paper and scissors but not rock.

Conclusion 1[edit]

  • We will begin with paper. The value of paper is given by it's perimeter, because they both start with the letter "P."
  • Length and width are represented by x and y, respectively.


  • Squares and rectangles will be given values according to their area because they do not begin with the letter "P."

square + rectangle

  • And now factor so we get...

square + rectangle

  • For simplicity, we will set the expressions for paper and "squares and rectangles" equal to each other, respectively.

  • And divide out the .

  • But . In fact, we know that x can be any number it wants to be, so we can write it like this

  • Finally, we rotate both sides to find the true value of x.

  • And we arrive at the conclusion that "squares and rectangles" beats paper because (8 > 2) = (squares and rectangles > paper)

Conclusion 2[edit]

The means by which scissors beats paper is division (paper divided by scissors), shown mathematically as     . According to this diagram, paper must logically be greater because it finds itself on top of scissors, much like that guy on top of your mom.

Since we can now say that squares and rectangles > paper and paper > scissors, we arrive at the second conclusion that squares and rectangles > scissors.

Conclusion 3[edit]

For years we have known that nothing beats rock, but until recently there hasn't been an explaination for why.

  • Rock can be expressed as the addition of it's letters.

R + O + C + K

  • Notice the second value is zero

R + C + K

  • Now remember that C and K are both constants, so K equals C.

R + 2C

  • According to complex theories in calculus, R is a rate of change (derivative), so we can take the integral of it.

+ 2C

  • 2C must be the integral of itself because they are constants and unable to change. Since the derivative was not of some given function, it's integral must not matter, so we will carry on with integration and add C.

2C + C

  • And desimplify the expression

C + C + C

  • We end up with three constants. Through many long hours of bible study, we have also learned that the only three constants in the world are the father, the son, and the holy spirit. As mentioned earlier in the article, "squares and rectangles" cannot beat God, so this is why they cannot beat rock, either.