From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Squid, or Animalia Mollusca Cephalapoda (which is Scientist for Surprise of many tentacles), are a type of animal that look a lot like, but might not be, jellyfish. Giant squid are a species of squid with a biology and culture that have developed very differently from the categories listed below.

A History of Squid[edit]

A protocephalopod travel machine

Squid are descendants of yo mama species known as the Lunar Sea Squid but this is not true at all. Technically a squid is a sea creature that evolved from prehistoric creatures known as things. which evolved on the moon along with their food source the Moon Plankton several quadrillion years ago.

The presence of squid on Earth is believed to have originated from four BIG ASSES a thousand years ago when a contingent of Little Green Men from the moon seeded the Earth with protocephalopods, small squidlike creatures that enveloped their prey in swarms. When asked later why they did it, the spokesman for the Little Green Men said this: "Yeah we were really fuckin' drunk and Kaela was like 'Dude, let's seed a planet with protocephalopods!' and it all went downhill from there." Ashley and Kaela were the ones to plant the seeds. Just so you know! Other theories suggest that god got pissed off by the fact that octopuses had only 8 arms and wanted them to have juuuuuust 2 more.

During that latter half of the last ice age, protocephalopods were the predominate species of the earth's oceans. Shortly before the end of the ice age, these protocephalopods developed magical powers, an attribute of their parent race that they just hadn't previously realized the usefulness of before, much like the human spleen. When all the ice melted, (due to the first appearance of the Sun), the protecaphalopods used their magic to float out of the sea and enslave our primitive ancestors (it is very likely that they began utilizing their parent race's technology, in a campaign strikingly similar to what would come in the future). The attack of the protocephalopods was the single most important cause of the downfall of the Roman Empire. Afterwards, the protocephalopods went on to dominate all of the Earth's continents.

With the world, in defeat, humankind made a final stand in the last remaining human city, canada. The denizens of Atlantis fought back against the savage magic-wielding protocephalopods using technology pirated off of the internet. This war, known as The Siege of the Squid, raged on for decades, until finally the leader of the humans, Luke Skywalker, and the leader of the protocephalapod army, Cthulhu, decided they would flip a coin to determine the outcome of the war. Luke Skywalker called heads while Cthulu called tails, and the coin landed on the ground on its side, stopped, balanced perfectly, and then exploded. The only remaining course of action was to duel.

Luke Skywalker, wielding a light saber, a form of advanced technology acquired from the Asians, who had a vested interest in the destruction of fags on Earth, defeated Cthulhu's dark magic. The protocephalapods, accepting their defeat, used the last of their magic to transform their bodies into two forms. These two races, which would forever be sworn enemies, were the Squid and the Octopi. Cthulhu was then sealed in a Coke bottle and sent to the depths of the ocean. A small group of protocephalopods escaped the notice of the humans, and to this day are dedicated to the revival of Cthulu from the watery depths. Little do they know, he escaped from the Coke bottle thousands of years ago and then totally blew them off. I Don't care

Ever since that day, the Squid have been struggling in their war with the increasing number of over protective liberal soccer moms. Though many Squid have been lectured to death and/or have had the authorities contacted they have proven victorious in most situations.

Around the year 215 b.c. a squid emperor, Squidzor waged a war with a small group of over protective liberal soccer moms. This war lasted about 15 minutes. This is probably due to the fact that that the only weapons at their disposal where purses filled with disinfecting wipes and band-aids. This showed the planet that he wasn't messing around. A few years later, Squidzor started his conquest across the planet with the Canadians. Any person who spoke out against Squidzor and his army had the great punishment of having an ossau iraty cheese block accelerated to mach 1 and driven through the persons torso. Squidzor would level entire cities by an orbital bombardment of fools (yes human fools).

In 146 a.d in the later part of the Pax Romana a squid by the name of Sazgadad led a campaign against the barbarian warlord Oprah Winfriegoth, Sazgadad stole a contingent of Legion XI of the Roman Empire and instead of using traditional tactics he chose to just light his Legionaries and hurl them at the enemy. Sazgadad proved victorious and presented the head of Oprah to the Emperor Squidzor who now was at a divine status and wore it as bling. This contributed to the fall of the Roman Empire because the XI Legion was on an important mission to protect the frontier. But Oprah's soul was sent to Hell and the Devil gave her all the money she wanted to go and conquer the world through unusually high T.V ratings so that the devil could rise and spread evil (ex: Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, North Korea, former Soviet Union, San Francisco,and Canada have all been acquired by Oprah) Oprah then proceeded to spread the idealisms of terrorism, Communism, and Martha Stewart.

The Properties of Squid[edit]

Squid have two notable properties: they are squishy and they have long, spindly tentacles. They can also shoot out ink, but that's not really notable until you get inked in the face.

Squid are highly notable animals in that they are the only animals on Earth to possess a superinstantiated-omega-lepton-carboxylase-conjunctionalovascular system. Such a system is primarily concerned with the movement of Canola oil throughout the squid's body via an intricate system of pumps, corkscrews, widgets, and a few whatchamacallits. When the corkscrews begin to spin at the critical velocity, which can be determined by the formula , where represents the critical velocity with respect to the end of time, the widgets activate, generating flow through the pumps which is then extrapolated through the whatchamacallits. This causes the corkscrews to spin faster, continuing the process. By this point, the corkscrews usually get bored and slow down on their own, but there have been instances where they continue going until the squid's inevitable explosion into a ball of Mardi Gras confetti.

A baby squid.

Squid are born with a number of tentacles less than approximately 6. Over time, they learn that tentacles are cool, and they decide to grow more. By the time they have learned that tentacles really aren't that cool in the first place, they stop growing them. At this point, they usually have between 10 and three million tentacles.

Types of Squid[edit]

Scientists believe that there may actually be as many as four different types of squid. The first, Squidus squida, is best known as the main ingredient in calamari. The second, Squidus blooperus, is found in the seas of the Mushroom Kingdom. The third, Squidus flyidae, is very similar to Squidus blooperus in structure, but its habitat is the skies of the Mushroom Kingdom instead of the seas. The last type of squid is Jellyfishus squida, which is a type of jellyfish that many scientists believe may actually be a squid. A large number of this group of scientists also believe that all squid are, in fact, jellyfish, and that this reclassification may indeed be a moot point. Leading microbiologist Albert Einstein, who many other scientists believe may actually not be a microbiologist after all, surmises that the Jellyfishus squida may actually be a shark instead of a jellyfish or squid.

A Japanese man shown wearing a fashionable squid hat.

Lunar Sea Squid[edit]

Lunar Sea Squids were the first species of squid to evolve on the Moon. After a devestating war with their milk-savvy prey, the Moon Plankton were forced to flee to Earth, where they then evolved into every current species of squid. On the ancient lunar surface these squid lived in large oceans of milk, and eventually consumed all the milk, forcing them to invade the cities of Moon Plankton.

Squid Squid[edit]

Squidus squida, better known as "squid squid," or sometimes "squishy squid," inhabit many oceans, lakes, rivers, wells, sinks, toilets, and sewer drains on the planets Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Hell, and the as-of-yet undiscovered planet Morgarovika. They forgot to overlook the problem of living in toilets so they were often smelly and brown. They are a central ingredient in the fizz of calamari. In Japan, squid squid are prized as a fashionable type of hat, fastened to the head by tying together the tentacles. Squid squid are the main predators of plesiosaurs, but are also commonly preyed upon by zooplankton. The more civilized squishy squid are just plain cute and squishy, swimming happily along in the sea until they get brutally slaughtered by fishermen and/or mad scientists trying to make themselves famous for some stupid reason.

Prairie Squid[edit]

Prairie squid, a type of squid squid, are a highly prized animal in the US and Japanese adult film industry for reasons most would prefer not to discuss. Plus we all know that they once ruled the planet.

Prairie squid reside in the prairies of the American mid-west. They are purely aquatic creatures, and are often found swimming in the grass. On rare occasions, a giant prairie squid will rise up and grab a person's legs, sucking them into the depths of the grass, from which they are never heard again.

Written record of the prairie squid goes back to 1580 with the first forays of the Spanish conquistadors into the American mid-west. Vasco da Gama first wrote of their use by the roving bands of Spaniards as a way to stave off homosexual lusts between his men in the long periods during which women or watermelon were not sighted. The first uses of prairie squid by Europeans caused high casualty rates due to misuse, until Chief Squid Squat of the Dogon tribe showed the Spanish the correct usage. Capturing many specimens, da Gama brought them back to Europe, whereupon the Vatican banned their use. By that time, however, the prairie squid were already in use by sailors in attempts to keep shipboard homosexuality at bay. From there, the use of the prairie squid spread eastwards (primarily due to the efforts of pirates.

Japan's first encounter with prairie squid in the 1700's soon gave rise to tentacle porn, though many Orientalists will attribute the creation of such in Japanese literature as a more recent thing.

The prairie squid provides the most intense sexual experience known to man, but it must be debeaked in order to be enjoyed safely. The process takes mere moments, and the squid suffers no lasting harm, as the beak regrows in a matter of weeks. However, if one is bitten during the process, the only cure for the deadly venom is the semen of the humming face-fucking bat.


Flying Squid[edit]

Squidus flyidae, or "flying squid," also reside primarily in Hyrule, but they are found above the ocean's surface instead of below. They usually end up choking to death because of the inability to breathe air like humans. This stupid evolutionary step has caused flying squid to be very endangered. Though similar in structure to bloopers, flying squid are less dangerous due to their vulnerability. They are most easily killed with fireballs, which can exist above the surface of the ocean, but they can also be killed by an intense cranial blow. Their methods of locomotion puzzle scientists, who believe that they may actually be propelled by magic. No one has ever seen a flying squid eat, and thus we believe that they do not actually use energy. Scientists are unable to study flying squid in depth due to their explosion upon death by fireball, their endless falling upon death by cranial blow (they even fall through matter), and their inability to sleep or be drugged.

Flying squid once thrived in ancient Greece, and were commonly trapped and eaten by the people there. How they did so cannot be reproduced by modern science. Inexplicably, when the humans, the main predator of flying squid in ancient Greece, died out, so did the flying squid there.

It is speculated that flying squid are actually a hybrid of squid squid and crows. How these two species could possible interbreed is something we may never want to know, but some scientists with nothing better to do have postulated about the position of flying squid on the Great Chain of Being. Scientists, by the way, are extremely boring, as exemplified by the following quote:

“I am of the belief that no animal can be perfect, and that no animal can be perfectly imperfect, and, as such, I state, while, on the other hand, I am, in fact, using a multitude of commas, punctuation marks involved in the breaking up of sentences, flying squid are no exception to the rule. While squid have a 6:1 ratio of good to bad attributes and crows have a 7:5 ratio of good to bad attributes, flying squid thus have a resulting 11:6 ratio of good to bad attributes, or 85% good and 12% bad (with an additional 4% ugly). One such positive attribute is exceptional eyesight; another is the ability to use suction to adhere to flat surfaces; yet another is the ability to squirt ink, which is relatively ineffective in the air due to its being subjected to gravity. Flying squid are able to exist both above and below water, and are able to fly, swim, and walk. Thus I conclude that flying squid are a reptile. Now, allow me to compare the characteristics of flying squid to those of reptiles. Flying squid are...”

~ A Scientist on Flying Squid

Jellyfish Shark Squid[edit]

Scientists use this species of jellyfish shark squid as evidence that jellyfish shark squid are actually sharks.

Jellyfishus squida, also known as "jellyfish shark squid" or "wtf squid," are a mysterious type of creature whose existence

Scientists use this species of jellyfish shark squid as evidence that jellyfish shark squid are really not jellyfish, sharks, or squid, but oysters.

puzzles modern scientists. 23% of the scientific community believes that wtf squid are actually jellyfish, 23% believe that wtf squid are actually squid, 23% believe that they are actually sharks, 23% believe they are whale/dolphin hybrids engineered by the Soviet Union, and an additional 23% do not care.

Many historians, statisticians, lawyers, plumbers, and dinosaurs believe that squid have not actually been discovered, and that the scientists who envisioned them were either idiots or under the influence of drugs.

Sick Squid[edit]

Six quid is about 12$US at the current exchange rate.

Squid are completely insane psychopaths who enjoy a pastime of jumping out of rock pools and painfully blinding people with insanely painful ink. They then do an evil laugh and say "now to destroy the world"

See Also[edit]