“Owwww, that clarinet playing! It's like a kitten being fed through a mincer!”
“I'm just going to go kill myself!”
Squidward Tentacles, the legend, the star, the genius! His might and power is wasted to those imbecilic cretins that live in Bikini Bottom. They do not hold his utter genius in the awe it was intended to be! Always intending to, some day, murder Spongebob Squarepants and Patrick Star in a frenzy of blood and knife blade, he currently lives his life more subdued by working in the Krusty Kock, playing the clarinet and planning evil schemes to eradicate Spongebob from existence itself.
Squidward was the result of a brief, drunken encounter between an octopus and a lonely fisherman one dark night back in 1977. After his mother gave birth the fisherman promptly cut her head off and boiled her in a big pot before eating her. It was because of this that Squidward later claimed to have a life-long phobia of females. That's the reason he's single these days, you see. He isn't gay and definitely is NOT spending night after night pleasuring himself anally with his clarinet thinking of Spongebob. Never, he just doesn't do that. Much.
His childhood was comfortable. Soon making a living in his childhood years by becoming a stand-up comedian. He grew a reputation and following but nowhere near enough to go professional. Eventually he decided to take a job at the Krusty Kock to tide him over which is where he remains to this day.
Squidward's teenager years were less happy. Suffering from heavy acne and a foot odor problem, 'Stinky Squidward' was always the butt of every student and teachers joke. He also was made fun of because of his penis that some frat boys super glued to his face. Permanently. Many suicide attempts followed, most at the suggestions of the fellow students (who, in time, set up a 'Squidward Suicide Suggestion Box' on his locker so that people could suggest many wonderful, whacky ways of how he could bump himself off). Eventually, however, soon it dawned on him that he should have been studying instead of trying to kill himself and as such failed school with zero qualifications. This, obviously, started him on the path to greatness and considered becoming a reality celebrity before ultimately deciding on becoming an evil genius.
Squidward the Evil Genius
Squidward has always considered himself to be an evil genius. It's just that most times he just can't be bothered to set a scheme in motion. That, or Spongebob and Patrick comes and hilariously destroys his attempts within a 15 minute show-length space of time.
This, naturally, has become a major thorn in Squidward's side. This has ultimately led to Squidward's plans revolving away from being able to quit his job at the Krusty Kock to trying to eradicate Spongebob and Patrick from existance itself. However, this isn't easy for Squidward as pretty much everybody in the town knows the irritating little yellow shit. He has tried a number of various methods from throwing Spongebob into the fat fryer and locking the lid closed to picking him off with a sniper rifle. However, since both of these episodes were cancelled and never shown Spongebob stays alive to this day.
His other schemes involve trying to swindle money from his boss Mr. Krabs, so called for his impressive collection of STD's. His most successful scheme to date is claiming that he had terminal brainworms and thus wanted to collect money to pay for a swanky funeral for all of his 'Hollywood chums'. He ultimately managed to raise $1.17 which he still keeps in a little box on the shelf.
Nowadays Squidward is much more subdued, choosing instead to just take random pot-shots at Spongebob and Patrick with his high-powered rifle. He might not hit them but, God, it makes him feel better.
Squidward and the Internet
After purchasing a computer to "Research clarinets you moron!", Squidward soon discovered that he was, by far, the most popular character in Bikini Bottom. Unfortunately, he also discovered Rule 34 and stumbled across a number of images of him being anally pounded by Spongebob. After furiously masturbating to this he quickly destroyed his hard drive and burnt out his retinas with matches, ensuring that he would never stumble across such material again. Online, squidward is a 15 year old prostitute with the username of User
Squidward the Author
Squidward is a keen author but is more well-known under his pen name J K Rowling. He once saw Spongebob playing at being a wizard with Patrick, wondered if there was a place that wizards could, "just fuck off too and never come back" and thus created Hogwarts. However, his book publishers were worried in case people might be turned away from buying a book written by a cynical octopi and thus the facade of a middle-aged women with the face of a bulldog chewing a wasp, despite having millions in the bank, was born.
Squidward also wrote a number of other book under different names (mainly for tax reasons). These books are listed below...
- Clarinets are NOT for Sex
- Don't Forget the Lube
- Confessions of a Spongebeater
- Oops, Sneezed on Your Burger
- Would you Like Some 'Fuck Off' With That, Sir?
- The Clarinet and Other Arousing Sights
- Buggering the Vacuum
- I Spilt Glue on the Sheets, Honest!
- Imbecilic Cretins!
Squidward the Single Man
Due to Squidward's well publicied phobia to women he currently lives on his own in a big Easter Island head in Bikini Bottom. He's refuted claims that he is gay, brushing off these rumours and telling them that he just hasn't met the right clarinet yet. He was questioned about the images of him and Spongebob that are all over the Internet and promptly murdered 72 reporters in the room.
Squidward has tried dating. His list of dates are impressive, some saying going into double figures. But the fact remains, according to Squidward, that he's still looking for 'Miss Right'. Fortunately, Spongebob hasn't yet found the hidden camera in his shower room.
Squidward died suddenly on October 22nd, 2009 after contracting a fatal case of the brainworms and constipation. He was found dead in his bathroom at his home,still seated on the crapper. Unfortunately, nobody believed him this time (well, they didn't believe him last time either) and died a slow, painful, agonising death. Witnesses said that his cries of death-inducing pain were actually 'more tuneful than the shite he used to do with that horn thing'.
Squidward was buried next to what people said was his good friend Spongebob ensuring an eternity of companionship until the end of time.