Squidward Tenticles

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Squidward Testicles.

Squidward Thomasville de Testiclechew
Always a laugh with Squidward!
Name: Squidward Tenticles
Real Name: Squidward Thomasville de Testiclechew
Born: With 8 legs and no hands. PWNAGE!!!
Origin: Bikini Bottom
Religion: Skodwardism
Instrument: Clarinet
Genre: Terrible, sounds of pain
Occupation: Cashier at the Krusty Kock


~ Spongebob Squarepants on Meeting Squidward Each Morning

“Owwww, that clarinet playing! It's like a kitten being fed through a mincer!”

~ Patrick Star on Squidward's Clarinet Playing

“I'm just going to go kill myself!”

~ Squidward Tenticles on Wishful Thinking

“Fuck Spongebob. He doesn't know talent, and I do. Now, let me put this Kenny G CD in...”

~ Squidward on claiming to know talent. Also, still owning a CD.

“Mr. Tentacles…is bisexually abnormal. He has recently lied his way out of Dr. Zhivago’s clinic for demented mollusks. Born out of bedlock, hereditary schizophrenia is present, the consequence of unnatural relations between his mother and Brock of Pokemon. Traces of pedophilia have been discovered among his ascendants. There are marked symptoms of alcoholism, fisting, depression, and chronic exhibitionism. Ambidexterity is also latent. He is prematurely bald from public self-abuse, perversely idealistic in consequence, an inveterate fapper, and has metal teeth. In consequence of a family complex he has temporarily lost his gender identity and I believe him to be more sinning than sinned against. I have made a pervaginal examination and, after application of the acid test to 5,427 anal, axillary, pectoral and pubic hairs, I declare him not to be a virgin.”

~ Dr. Malachi Mulligan on medical testimony at Squidward's trial.

Squidward Tenticles, (January 14, 1976 - March 19, 2009) the legend, the star, the genius, the wife of Charles Manson, the statutory rapist, the man who got to nail the entire Tokyo Mew Mew team! His might and power is wasted to those imbecilic cretins that live in Bikini Bottom. They do not hold his utter genius in the awe it was intended to be! Always intending to, some day, murder Spongebob Squarepants and Patrick Star in a frenzy of blood and knife blade, he currently lives his life more subdued by working in the Krusty Kock, playing the clarinet and planning evil schemes to eradicate Spongebob from existance itself.

Birth and Early Life[edit]

Squidward Tentacles' Yearbook Photo.

Squidward was the result of a brief, drunken encounter between an octopus and a lonely fisherman one dark night back in 1977. After his mother gave birth the fisherman promptly cut her head off and boiled her in a big pot before eating her. It was because of this that Squidward later claimed to have a life-long phobia of females. That's the reason he's single these days, you see. He isn't gay and definitely is NOT spending night after night pleasuring himself anally with his clarinet thinking of Spongebob. Never, he just doesn't do that. Much.

His childhood was comfortable. Soon making a living in his childhood years by becoming a stand-up comedian. He grew a reputation and following but nowhere near enough to go professional. Eventually he decided to take a job at the Krusty Kock to tide him over which is where he remains to this day.

Squidward's teenager years were less happy. Suffering from heavy acne and a foot odour problem, 'Stinky Squidward' was always the butt of every student and teachers joke. He also was made fun of because of his penis that some frat boys super glued to his face. Permanently. Many suicide attempts followed, most at the suggestions of the fellow students (who, in time, set up a 'Squidward Suicide Suggestion Box' on his locker so that people could suggest many wonderful, whacky ways of how he could bump himself off). Eventually, however, soon it dawned on him that he should have been studying instead of trying to kill himself and as such failed school with zero qualifications. This, obviously, started him on the path to greatness and considered becoming a reality celebrity before ultimately deciding on becoming an evil genius.

Squidward the Evil Genius[edit]

One of Squidward's fantasies.

Squidward has always considered himself to be an evil genius. It's just that most times he just can't be bothered to set a scheme in motion. That, or Spongebob and Patrick comes and hilariously destroys his attempts within a 15 minute show-length space of time.

This, naturally, has become a major thorn in Squidward's side. This has ultimately led to Squidward's plans revolving away from being able to quit his job at the Krusty Kock to trying to eradicate Spongebob and Patrick from existance itself. However, this isn't easy for Squidward as pretty much everybody in the town knows the irritating little yellow shit. He has tried a number of various methods from throwing Spongebob into the fat fryer and locking the lid closed to picking him off with a sniper rifle. However, since both of these episodes were cancelled and never shown Spongebob stays alive to this day.

His other schemes involve trying to swindle money from his boss Mr. Krabs, so called for his impressive collection of STD's. His most successful scheme to date is claiming that he had terminal brainworms and thus wanted to collect money to pay for a swanky funeral for all of his 'Hollywood chums'. He ultimately managed to raise $1.17 which he still keeps in a little box on the shelf.

Nowadays Squidward is much more subdued, choosing instead to just take random pot-shots at Spongebob and Patrick with his high-powered rifle. He might not hit them but, God, it makes him feel better.

Typical Day[edit]

Squidward repeatedly forces himself to get up every morning to put on a shirt (and no pants) and walk or drive to work at the Krusty Kock. Occasionally, he takes his bike, but he often gets delayed by Spongebob's antics. At work, he is a very diligent worker and can often be seen falling asleep on top of the cash register in order to protect Mr. Krabs's money. He is always seen taking and delivering orders with a monotone voice, occasionally cussing out certain customers he considers "barnacle heads."

Despite getting paid nothing, Squidward has continued to work at the Krusty Kock for twenty years. On his days off, he is seen either, taning, playing (but failing to improve playing) his clarinet, making art, and belly-dancing.

Squidward and the Internet[edit]

Squidward after discovering Rule 34

After purchasing a computer to "Research clarinets you moron!", Squidward soon discovered that he was, by far, the most popular character in Bikini Bottom. Unfortunately, he also discovered Rule 34 and stumbled across a number of images of him being anally pounded by Spongebob. After furiously masturbating to this he quickly destroyed his hard drive and burnt out his retinas with matches, ensuring that he would never stumble across such material again. Online, squidward is a 15 year old prostitute with the username of User.

Squidward the male model[edit]

After Spongebob made Squidward swallow his clarinet for the 9001st time, Squidward pressed charges against Spongebob resulting in Squidward being paid $30,000 dollars. He quit the Krusty Kock (temporarily) and got plastic surgery.

Squidward after the plastic surgery

A fashion agent saw Squidward walk out of the clinic and offered him a job as a male model. Squidward accepted. For 3 months, Squidward modeled for men's clothes such as The Four-legged Jeans, The Cephalopod Unitard, and Gloves for Those Without Thumbs. He also popularized products such as a video game controller for people without fingers.

One day, when Squidward was about to leave his house to go to the modeling building, Spongebob opened his front door on his face, knocking the plastic out of him. Squidward spent the next few months in a state of depression, and his clarinet playing grew exceptionally painful to hear.

Squidward the Author[edit]

Squidward is a keen author but is more well-known under his pen name J K Rowling. He once saw Spongebob playing at being a wizard with Patrick, wondered if there was a place that wizards could, "just fuck off too and never come back" and thus created Hogwarts. However, his book publishers were worried in case people might be turned away from buying a book written by a cynical octopi and thus the facade of a middle-aged women with the face of a bulldog chewing a wasp, despite having millions in the bank, was born.

Squidward also wrote a number of other book under different names (mainly for tax reasons). These books are listed below...

  • Clarinets are NOT for Sex
  • Don't Forget the Lube
  • Confessions of a Spongebeater
  • Confessions of a Spongepounder
  • Oops, Sneezed on Your Burger
  • Would you Like Some 'Fuck Off' With That, Sir?
  • The Clarinet and Other Arousing Sights
  • Buggering the Vacuum
  • I Spilt Glue on the Sheets, Honest!
  • Imbecilic Cretins!
  • Strawberry Skeets Forever, or How I Learned to Stop Fapping and Love the Mew Mews
  • Loving Charlie
  • A Room of One's Own
  • Why Act in a Hentai? (Why Not!?)
  • Eroticism...and Sponges
  • So What If I Get Freaky With Every Loofah I See?
  • The Rape of the Lock
  • The Rape with a Key
  • The Rape of an Entire Magical Girl Team
  • Bears, Bears, and Sea-Bears
  • Father Superior, Father Inferior
  • And That's When It Fell Off In My Arse
  • Love Is a Many-Skirted Thing
  • A Day In His Wife
  • Ole Time Cock and Poll: A Historical Romance of Bill Clinton
  • A Day No Fags Would Slide: My Life and Hard Times
  • A Cellarful of Boys
  • The Postcoital Papers of the Lickdick Club
  • Lolita Takes Up Scuba Diving
  • All Night at Ouran Host Club
  • The Joy of Painting: My Face and Bob Ross's Cum
  • Oscar Wilde's Batboy
  • Catcher in the Eye (Co-written with Peter Griffin)
  • The Epiphany: Belldandy and Keiichi Consummated
  • A Day in the Life of a Cosplay Waitress: Stories from My Childhood
  • Ouran Used To Be Clean: Six Nights of Discovery with The Hosts
  • Mollusks and Mammals, Mammary Style
  • What Goes On: Sex, Drugs, and Techno Vaudeville at Hinata Dorm
  • Naru and Keitaro's Heartpounding Dilemma: Is It Gay to Suck Her Dick?
  • Yet Another Orgy on Love Hina: What the Censors Miss
  • "Senpai, What Does Statutory Mean?": A Magic Night for Keitaro and Shinobu
  • Deadguy Dick: Necrophilia for Strawmen
  • Up Your Arsenal: The Untold Passion within NERV
  • I Got a Crush on Obama: A Night with a Somewhat Manlier Aladdin
  • Full Blouse
  • Saved by the Pill
  • Get Cracks
  • Let Her Pee
  • A Hard Day's Shite
  • Keitaro Always Blows
  • Maxwell's Silver Dildo: a Christmas Tale for Children
  • Coprophilia
  • Live at the Fillmore Yeast: a Night with Millard Fillmore
  • Keitaro and the Sex Ninja
  • Summer of My Butch Schoolgirl
  • This Old Bulldyke: My Letters to My Delicious Grandmother
  • The Bronx is Flaming
  • The Hosts Spend a Night in the Hinata Dorm
  • Monster Cum
  • Cum Tastes Like Ice Cream
  • Pincher Martin
  • Lord of the Fly
  • A Pearl Necklace for His Sister

Squidward the Single Man[edit]

Due to Squidward's well publicied phobia to women he currently lives on his own in a big Easter Island head in Bikini Bottom. He's refuted claims that he is gay, brushing off these rumours and telling them that he just hasn't met the right clarinet yet. He was questioned about the images of him and Spongebob that are all over the Internet and promptly murdered 72 reporters in the room.

Squidward has tried dating. His list of dates are impressive, some saying going into double figures. But the fact remains, according to Squidward, that he's still looking for 'Miss Right'. Fortunately, Spongebob hasn't yet found the hidden camera in his shower room.

Squidward the Rapist[edit]

Squidward on a rape romp.

Squidward had always been a casual fapper to sweet, well-endowed young girls in anime and manga, but this got him into serious trouble eventually. See, first he got depressed, and then he got fat, and then he got alcoholic, and then he started showing up at ballet recitals and Sailor Moon battles with a picture of Mikuru Asahina shoved in his - do squids have crotches? - anyway, then he got fired from the Krusty Krab for fapping as violently as he could whilst shouting obscenities as loudly as he could in the crawlspace above the ladies' room. He then went on rampage, deflowering the entire Tokyo Mew Mew team, plus Mew Ichigo's season-two replacement, and he was then convicted after a speech for the ages by the prosecutor, Conan Edogawa, the Modern Frickin' Sherlock Holmes for otaku. He was sentenced to fifty years' hard labor in the aquarium in the lobby at Guantanamo Bay,where he was Charles Manson's "wifey", but he escaped through some New Age bullshit.

Squidward would often belly dance for his beloved Charlie.


Squidward died suddenly on March 19, 2009 after contracting a fatal case of the brainworms. Unfortunately, nobody believed him this time (well, they didn't believe him last time either) and died a slow, painful, agonising death. Witnesses said that his cries of death-inducing pain were actually 'more tuneful than the shite he used to do with that horn thing'.

Squidward was buried next to what people said was his good friend Spongebob ensuring an eternity of companionship until the end of time. Reports later came in of Heaven's first ever suicide.