St. Aidan's C of FSM School

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“Thou shalt attend this school”

~ FSM

“It's holy, it's holy, it's holy”

"I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the =St. Aidan's C of FSM School= St. Aidans Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster school is the largest educational institute in Great Britain devoted to the Worship of The FSM. Despite being linked with the First United Piratian Church of The FSM, the school has fostered strong links with St. John Pasta's Ninjaist High School, down the road, to the extent of both containing the same bunch of dropouts in 6th Form. The school is set in 40 hectare grounds on the prestigious south side of the resolutely Christian megatropolis of Harrogate.

History[edit]

The School was formed out of two strongly Christian schools St St's and Aidan's of the Holy Headbanging Gospel. It was after a monumental senate speech in which a mysterious student, whom nobody had ever set eyes upon before appeared out of a cloud of steaming pasta in full pirate regalia. With his menacing flair and stunning looks he captivated the audience with the good news of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Some believe this was a reincarnation of the prophet Bobby Henderson and others are dead. There is much uncertainty as to what exactly happened upon that day but what is known is that from then on all the Christian teachers of an apoplexy that someone had the audacity to come into their school and preach this most holy of truths. Overwhelmingly, the student body and senate elected to make the Mysterious Stranger their new headmaster, that he could teach them the ways of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but he declined, saying that they must find the FSM for themselves, before disappearing in the commotion. His identity is still a mystery: initial speculation that he was That quiet kid in the corner, with the thick glasses and the greasy hair was dismissed, and the theory that he was in fact This Guy was found to be invalid, as he mentioned not Kitten Huffing, leading to the now widely accepted conclusion that he was in fact Bobby Henderson. The student body, converted to a man, except some annoying jock who they all lynched, decided to rename their school St. Aidan's Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster High School, and to appoint a Pastafarian body of senior staff. One student, already being a member of the Piratist First United Pastafarian Church, taught the others the ways of The FSM, and was appointed headmaster, before going on to become Arnold Schwarzenegger. The only person in the school who did not fully subjugate himself to Arnie's will was 'That quiet kid in the corner, with the thick glasses and the greasy hair', which, combined with Arnie's lack of concern over his disobedience, prompted much of the speculation that he was in fact the Mysterious Prophet. However, it later transpired that he was merely suffering a prolonged bout of BTD Syndrome or Benjamin The Donkey syndrome.

Academic performance[edit]

St. Aidans is the only school yet which has yet to achieve a single GCSE. It is ranked 18,997th in league tables falling only slightly behind lunatic asylums and children's nurserys. Its has a world wide status as one of the finest FSM institutions in the country. It is particularly notable for its high level and equipment and resources. Both books in the library are of exceedingly high quality and the annual budget often reaches well over 13 pence(though the school does not release official figures to avoid heavy taxation). The school in 1996 boasted over 120 classrooms until new legislation relating to chicken farming forced the school to expand each classroom to at least 85" by 25". There are now 25 classrooms, each of which is capable of teaching 0.357126 students. In spite of this, St. Aidan's C of FSM School has the largest student population in the country, and possibly the world, with over one-hundred-and-seven million, four thousand, one-hundred-and-seventy-four (that's 107004174) pupils, serviced by a teaching staff of 1.2 World War One veterans on disability pensions.

The school has been criticised repeatedly by OFSTED for its toilet facilities being behind a curtain in the corner of classrooms, for storing radioactive isotopes in the kitchen and for having constructed the school using unstable and non-waterproof materials. However it was noted that certain improvements have been made since the entire school was consumed by fire in 1995. The cause of the fire was later revealed to be the headmaster 'doing it for a bit of fun'.

St. John Pasta's Ninjaist High School[edit]

Shortly after St. Aidan's conversion to FSMism, St. John Fisher's Catholic High School, a little way down the road, underwent a similar conversion, in similar circumstances: a Mysterious Stranger, this time in Ninja garb, appeared unnanounced, delivered a speech for the student congress representative body which caused all the staff to die, this time of aneurisms, and then disappeared. The running of the School was then taken over by the Ninjaist Ozzy Osbourne, on behalf of the FSM. After a period during which tensions existed between the fiercely Piratist St. Aidan's and the dogmatic Ninjaism of Pasta's, the two heads, Schwarzenegger and Osbourne, met at a conference arranged by the ecumenical Ninja-Pirate Marianne Faithfull. After thrashing it out, and both being touched in strange and new ways by His Noodly Appendage, they agreed a link to exist between their two schools, most notable in the existence of the school's shared πth form. This has gained both fame on an international level, as a wonderful example of how two seemingly disparate religious communities can coexist: it has been suggested as a model for solving Catholic/Protestant troubles in Northern Ireland, Judaeo-Islamic Struggles in the Middle east, and eliminaating the threat of Religious Extremism worldwide. However, this has failed, as it failed to takeinto account the fact that most people are dogmatic, self-important, bigots.