St. Cloud State University
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|St. Cloud State University|
|Motto||Идите Трахают Вас "Go F*** Yourselves"|
|Location||Hell, Minnesota, USA|
The College itself
SCSU (or if you're really that fucking picky, St. Cloud State University) is a college wasteland that is located in Central Minnesota. What dark secrets does this place hold?
St. Cloud State University was nothing more that a dirt mound situated in the middle of a wheat field in central Minnesota. This wheat field had been blessed by the Flying Spagetti Monster. And when I say blessed, I mean that he pissed all over it. As a result, the wheat became trippy as fuck! Anyone who consumed this wheat became a zombie; Hey would you consume wheat that was "blessed" by the Flying Spagetti Monster? Ah hell, I know I would. RAmen!
Then on September 17, 1234 a farmer had wondered into the blessed wheat field after a wild night of hot sex and Kitten Huffing. The farmer then reportedly saw the Flying Spagetti Monster and claimed he was "touched" by his noodly appendenge. Later he found out he was actually raped by zombies after he passed out in the field, but the part him seeing the Flying Spagetti Monster was true.
This life-changing event inspired him to make something to punish man-kind, but he needed some help doing so he enlisted the help of every High School in the area. He and his slaves began to build machines that would take on the Flying Spagetti Monster.
However, one day when they were working on the machines, the zombies which had raped the farmer attacked the base which the robots were being constructed. One of the zombies which attacked the farmer accidently pressed a button in the machine which blew it up with the farmer close by. The explosion burned the farmer all over his body and he was deemed too ugly to be seen in the general public.
But the farmer had an idea, he built a suit of pure metal. This man later became known as Doctor Doom. Using his ultra l33t Psychic and Ninja Skills, Doctor Doom was able to create St. Cloud State but it wasn't enough for him.
Using his extrodinary skills, he made SCSU open to pretty much everyone, except for the Flying Spagetti Monster, he fucking hates him! Thanks to this policy, and the "blessed" wheat, 95% of the student body was made up of zombies!
Because SCSU was established by the Zombie-Making wheat field, students were able to make their own beer using hops. However, Doctor Doom "forgot" to tell the students that the beer turns them into zombies.
On the first night of move-ins, the homemade beer was distributed around campus and was consumed by nearly everyone. Soon after, zombies were running all over the place.
Doctor Doom was enraged by the sight of the FSM Flying Spagetti Monster and ordered his minions to attack. Not only did they fail but the FSM was able to turn the zombies (well, most of them) back into normal people.
The following is a list of those who felt the wrath of the Flying Spagetti Monster, amongst this list is Doctor Doom's minions:
- Jack Thompson: Was raped by the FSM and was thrown down to Florida. He claims the rapist was an obsessed video game fanatic who played Custer's Revenge; thus began his never ending quest to destroy video games.
- Steve Ballmer: Attempted to Flash-fry the FSM using his Eye Beams and swearing at it. However, his eye-beams and swearing only tickled the monster. Mr. Ballmer was then smacked by the FSM so hard that he flew ahead 500 years into the future to the year 2556, where he took over the world the Developerian Empire
- Hippies: FSM consumed them all, but the hippies were zombies to begin with.
- Playstation 3: Summoned a Giant enemy crab, however the FSM hit it's weakpoint for MASSIVE DAMAGE!!!!1 and boiled the crab. The FSM turned the PS3 into a grill.
- Bill Cosby: You see....Jazz is like Jello Pudding, NO, actully it's more like Kodak film, NO, it's more like the new Coke; it'll be around forever, heh heh heh!
- That Guy: He made a grand and movie-worthy escape on horseback, but that was before he was eaten by the FSM
Mission for a Dry Campus
Trying to cover up the zombie incident, Doctor Doom annouced his plans to crackdown on student drinking. this including rasing awareness by distriubuting flyers and saying that it's bad. What Doctor Doom didn't know is that the Flying Spagetti Monster signed a pact with the students to deliver beer whenever they needed it. Doctor Doom pushed his vision for a dry-campus to the limit
Despite this effort, the Flying Spagetti Monster was able to resupply the hapless college kids with their beer. Even though Doctor Doom continues to pursue the Utopian vision of an alcohol-free campus, those college kids can rest assured that the Flying Spagetti Monster will be able to bring them their alcohol. You could say he's the Santa Claus of SCSU, except he comes around everynight and not once a year
Occasionally on a cold clear Minnesota night, if you look very carefully off to the west you'll see a giant noodley creature holding kegs of beer or the occasional bottles of Jack Daniels in it's noodly grasp. It is said that if you see the FSM, one of the following things will happen:
- You will be blessed with a mountain of gold...that is if you haven't sinned yet, which is pretty much everyone
- An early warning sign that a Grue attack is imminent, which you means you should RUN!!!!
- That you seriously need to lay off the LSD, seriously, it fucks your brain up big time
- Ok, it's time to point your telescope somewhere else......stalker