St. Peter

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Bouncywikilogo3.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about St. Peter.

“I am a big Alicia Keys fan. That's the real story behind the keys.”

~ St. Pete



*


Peter in his true form according to prophet Stone 1:58
Part of a series of articles on
Christianity
I am the Good Shepherd...

God
Jesus
Evil Jesus
Satan
The Apostles
Heaven and/or Hell
Great Schism
The Crusades
Reformation

The Trinity
The Father
The Son (Jesus Christ)
The Holy Spirit

The Bible
Old Testament
New Testament
Apocrypha
The Gospels
Ten Commandments

Christian theology
Fall of Man · Grace
Salvation · Justification
Christian worship
Mortal Sin

Christian Church
Roman Catholicism
The Pope
Eastern Orthodoxy
Protestantism Christian erudition
Christian denominations
Christian movements
Christian ecumenism
Christian scholastica
Christian discourses

Important Figures
Apostle Paul
Augustine · Aquinas
Wycliffe · Luther
Calvin · Trammell
· Carver


Recent evidence confirms that St. Peter was indeed a rabbit. Born around the time that Christ was, St. Peter, known as Peter Yep in those days, worked for the Roman Empire as a computer programmer. Every day, Peter would go to work, thinking that each day was the worst day of his life. That is until he met Christ. Christ hypnotized Peter, and told him to forget about all of his problems. Peter returned to work for the Empire, but no longer cared what Caesar had to say. Finally, Peter decided he just wasn't going to go anymore.

When Peter was on the road back home, he was met again by Christ. Peter asked him "Domminae, Quo Vadis?", which translates, "I thought you were dead, what the fuck?". Christ said, "I'm on my way to Rome to beat some heads in." Peter replied, "Don't bother. I'll go back and face the music." Peter then turned, and headed back toward Rome. "Hey, Peter," Christ said, "Watch out for your cornhole, bud."

Upon his return to Rome, Peter cut down the tallest tree around, a redwood, and hurled it from a cliff, much like Moses hurled his staff at the ground as God turned it to a snake. Peter's redwood, however, would become a beast so terrible, that to even look upon it would cause severe cramps and rectal discharge. Peter had summoned forth what would be called St. Peter's Basilica. He turned this hellish beast loose on Rome, and conquered it in a day. He then married Jennifer Aniston and proclaimed himself Ruler of the Universe.

God didn't think this was very funny at all. In fact, he hired men to drag Peter out of his house, and crucify him. Unfortunately for Peter, the hitmen were quite inept, and ended up crucifying him upside down, which was quite painful.

Upon Peter reaching Heaven, God immediately put Peter to work in the worst job in Heaven: Doorman.