St Columbo

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What St Columbo may have looked like. Possibly.

St Columbo was the sixth-century saint who discovered Ireland, Scotland, Blighty and Geneva.

The Life of St Columbo[edit]

Columbo was born unsainted in a convent-slash-asylum in northern France, probably in the year 5mumble. Entering his career at an early age, he started out as an altar-boy before eventually deciding to train as a priest in the hope of being the Best_Catholic_Ever.

While studying theology at one of those medieval universities, Columbo soon discovered a talent for detecting, which led to a lucrative side-line in solving crime, much like his brother, Brother Cadfael. Juggling these two careers was no simple task, but Columbo was generally held by his contemporaries to be one of the smartest people alive at the time even though people were obviously less intelligent back then. Graduating from priest-school in record time, Father Columbo set off on a tour of his native France, meeting sinners and the damned and saving an estimated 15% of them from the fiery pits of Hell. All this damnation disillusioned him somewhat, and he traveled to Spain to take up monastic vows. There he was demoted from Father to Brother and spent a lot of time illuminating manuscripts.

In the monastery, Columbo learned that mankind had only discovered a small fraction of the world, and so he took it upon himself to find some of these undiscovered countries and claim them in the name of Jesus. He set off for the British Isles, which had of course been discovered much earlier by the Romans, but that was a long time ago and no one could remember that sort of thing what with it being the Dark Ages and all. When he arrived, he was immediately attacked by snakes and Celts, neither of which were especially interested in Jesus. Fortunately, Columbo was a really good Catholic by now, and he soon taught them the error of their ways. With their help and now aided by a young Cornish lad named St Cliff Richard (who would go on to become Britain's first native priest), he soon re-discovered the further away parts of Britain, which he named 'Columbia'.

Columbo died in Scotland at the age of 43, having been bitten by a wild boar.

Canonisation[edit]

By the fifteenth century, Christianity was heading for a Reformation and running out of popular saints. Thus was Columbo canonised to give each nation a number of saints to claim as their own. In this way people could reconnect with the religion that had brought them so much joy and comfort as well as so many witches to burn on cold winter nights.

Columbo was chosen for this acclaim because of his importance in the history of the British Isles, which would be a lot smaller if he hadn't rediscovered large chunks of it. He is a minor patron saint of Spain, Scotland and Ireland, and a popular element of folk mythology in Blighty.