Stalinator

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Mario as he dressed up to get into the Communist party, with Stalin.Coincidence?! I THINK NOT!

Josef "Stalinator" Stalin (1746-Tomorrow). Mid-18th Century Russian composer of Viennese opperettas and Mexican rhumbas, teen idol as well as a moustache magnate, and notorious for committing genocide on four occasions. Born in the Georgia province of the Southern United States, Stalin was mostly known for lying to the people, being the village idiot, the Ooby Dooby, the Hanky Panky, invading Israel, and torturing people, all the while locking up political opponents and ignoring international opinion. He rose the ranks of the Republican Party after Lyndon B. Johnson's unsuccessful Special Olympics pool acrobatics accident, and assumed leadership until his death in 1998. He is known to have personally recruited Dick Cheney to be secretary of the California Autonomous Oblast.

Before 1917 Russian revolution some people also thought that Lenin was a bad man because he was a pimp. Known to most of Springfield as Stalinator, is the 59th President of the United States, serving a four-year term from 3000-1295. In a press release earlier this year, Joey said that "I plan to run for re-election, and to make eating at least one donut per day mandatory for every US citizen!" The latter part of this statement came as an extreme displeasure to HItler, who said in return that Stalin "was breaching the individual eating rights of the citizens." Due to his real name, it can be argued that he is of Bavarian heritage.

He is also known as the first head-transplant donor. Soviet scientists exhibited a dog in 1951 with two heads, one of which had been added by surgery and was barking independently and snapping at the other. Few realised that this was in preparation for the transplant of Josef's head onto the shoulders of a brave loyal young "volunteer" (head to be discarded) who would thus prolong his life and leadership. The success of this operation is a closely-guarded secret of the tiny scientific cell in a remote cave in Georgia, where the "new Stalin," who had too many paralysis problems to maintain power in 1953 but managed to substitute his double for embalming, waits (body aged 69, head 128 in 2006) for another body "donor" to resume his career....

At the age of ten Joey was shipped to stay with his mistress in Tampere where he first met a young man named John Lenin. Joey and John hit it off immediately bonding over German philosopher Karl Marx's 'Communist Manifesto', They were part of the highly important band The Beatles, along with Senator Paul McCarthy and Ringo Ivankov. Their biggest success came in 1968 with "Back in the USSR," but later that year they split up citing creative differences. John would later devote his his time to his major project the USSR which Stalin would join in his later years. When Stalin turned eleventy, he went on to get a higher education at Sacred heart university where he learned how to drink like a russki. It was around this time that he developed a hearty appetite for genocide, and first discovered the joys of drinking human blood. Also around this time, he was voted MVP of the school's class struggle team. He is the mutated offspring of Michael Jackson and President Black Bush and was once widely regarded as a black man (now considered a myth and a good pick up line). He has been fighting for co-owner of the Playboy Mansion for some time now.

Childhood Life[edit]

It was around 1920 when Joey initiated his 5 year plan: to get a job, move out of his parents basement, be allowed to attend the The First International Boogie Down and get another girlfriend. He failed to reach any of his objectives in the first 2 years of his 5 year plan, though he did manage to consume a record 2,699 pounds of cheetos and won the Risk tournament held in his parent's basement in September 1921.

Young Cannabalismhood[edit]

It was early 1923 when his five year plan got kicked into high gear. With the death of Lenin there was a job opening as supreme tyrant of the Soviet Union. After a lot of nagging by his mother, he dropped off an application for the position. A week later he got a call back and was offered the position. 2 years after becoming the absolute leader of the Soviet Union he accomplished his second goal by moving out of his parent's basement. This is also around the time where he invented vodka, the greatest alcoholic beverage known to man, when he accidentally knocked a beet into a cask full of vinegar. Later he went to the moon and buired a freakin monolith into the ground. (see 2001 the fucking oddysey)

Political Career[edit]

Stalin originally won control of the National Communist Workers Party of Russia by beating his rival, Leon Trotsky in a drinking contest. While Trotsky was well-known in the party for drinking bars dry of their tequila, Stalin finally beat his rival in the drinking contest by drinking six cases of straight vodka - warm- and putting an ice pick through his opponent's skull and finishing his oppenent off with a good bite on the ears. Stalin ( the first version) was then replaced by Stalin BETA which was replaced with Stalin 2.0 as its pretercessors proved to be buggy. Apple tried to compete by releasing icomm - communism in the palm of your hand which, fo shizzle, went poorly.

As a founding member of the Dagonized Party Of Lower Europa Bordering Eastern Uzbezikstan of Russia, Joey Cusack was entitled to the supreme divine right granted to the Republican Party by God, which he was by Soviet decree. He used this power to mock Chancellor Adolf Hitler's moustache drawing him into war. The war was looking bleak for Stalin and the Soviets until the Battle of Stalingrad (named after him) in which Joey single handedly fought off the Germans with a fireplace poker, in an epic battle which the world hadn't seen the likes of since the gods of ancient Greece battled in the shadow of Mount Olympus. It was this battle that earned Stalin the coveted title of Time Magazine's 'Man of the Year' sharing the honour with another great leader, President Black W. Bush.

After defeating Germany, Little Joey was weary of war and decided for some personal time, cutting the Soviet Union off from the rest of the world for the next 50 years. Though this caused tension with the United States because he never called anymore. During this period he ruled the motherland with an iron fist. Of course, this led to a nuclear arms race. (Later in the century the entire idea seems preposterous, since you would obviously need nuclear legs to race.)

According to the Catholic Church, "Satan" was the first creature to rebel against his creator. Stalin is said to be the second, but has recently managed to become the new embodiement of evil by sodomizing, gutting, and eating Satan(Not necessarily in that order). Stalin caused World War II by convincing Hitler(not to be confused with his twin brother the goofy rock star) to start an unnecessary war.

When the German Army invaded Poland, Austria, and Narnia, Barney the gay dinosaur was there, backing them up with his demonic hordes. During the Battle of The Bulge the allies actually captured and promptly executed him by drowning him in mustard.

Battles with Hitler, Tarzan, and Rick James[edit]

He is great. Stalin spent many long years battling to acquire the jewelled city Stalingrad (now Alberqueque, OH), as Hitler and Tarzan, Stalingrad's renowned crimefighting duo raced to the city's safety.

Tarzan used his almighty programming powers (as king of the Apps) to blindside Stalin with a constant stream of deliberately obfuscated PERL code and circular references. This caused Stalin's demonic mount, The Kremlin, to falter in its juggernautical stride towards the city, allowing Hitler to stride in and attack with his massive armies (which he had previously carefully hidden in his massive sleevies).

Hitler used his zerg rush tactics to swiftly move a massive military presence across the Soviet border. The invasion opened up a second front for Hitler's conquest and was untimely as the harsh Soviet winter settled in. Tarzan, wearing only a loin cloth and not acclimated to the cold, retreated as the first flakes of snow fell. Hitler had difficulty maintaining his supply routes due to bad weather, and millions of his soldiers held Donner Parties where they ate one another. Several millions more soldiers died from hypothermia or were crushed to death as they "double dog dared" one another to lick the tracks of their tanks.

After completing a correspondance course on voodoo, Stalin used the Zombie Rasputin to rout the remaining German forces in Kursk, Lithuania, Ukraine, Poland, Kekkoslovakia, Hungary, Yugoslavia, Ethiopia, Alaska and Texas. Ultimately Hitler retreated in disgrace and Stalin annexed East Germany.

Hitlers Moustache was furious at these events, Stalin on the other hand, had his moustache prouldly displayed in the red square.

Saint Stalin the Mighty[edit]

Joseph Stalin, just your average dictator, ordering a cocktail from his bartender-cum-foreign minister Vyacheslav Molotov.It is a well known fact that vodka and orthodox Ukranians made up the majority of Stalin's diet.

"Youuush like iet? Cas I knoww ya..." -Stalin

It is also a widely known fact that Stalin revolutionized Russian cooking by coming to the conclusion that they could not grow any food that tasted good, so they might as well just get drunk.

Stalin in Vietnam[edit]

To save his homecountry from being controlled by the Japanese he joined the Vietminh in the year of 2001. He managed great succes, for example: He was able to psychologically control the enemy, so that he could walk on hostile territories. At that time he finally stood a good worth against his childhood dream: his dog, Big Daddie. After saving his dog from being vaporized, he returned to his shelter in Bagdad. From now on everything changed for Stalin. He showed the world his true mentions, just by saving his dog. Stalin opened a new adventure park in the city of Moscva, where nowadays still many Vietnamese people walk around in bathrobes.

The Great Binges and Purges[edit]

In order to consolidate his power, Stalin began the great binges and purges in 1929 with Trotsky. Stalin invited Trotsky over for dinner and drank a bucket of borscht and two crates of Chateau Le Fonte. When a KGB agent disguised as a waiter placed a wafer thin mint in Stalin's mouth, he vomitted the vile contents of his stomach all over Trotsky's Sean Jean white jogging suit. The KGB agent snapped a picture and it was published above the fold on the next day's issue of Pravda. The disgraced Trotsky went into exile in Germany. The binge and purge method proved so effective for Stalin, he used it to liquidate previous opponents who had capitulated and submitted to him. Stalin credited Calista Flockhart with introducing him to the powerful political tool.

US President George H. W. Bush adopted Stalin's tactic in order to depose the prime minister of Japan. Inside kitchen stadium, Bush ate two bowls of shark fin soup and three deep fried foie gras patties and vomitted all over Japanese prime minister Akira Kurosawa. Historians would dub Bush's action the Technicolor Yawn Revolution.

Igor Stalin in his younger years. Joey was also presumed to have sent millions to their deaths in gulag but this isn't true. Stalin's twin brother, Igor Stalin, is the one who did this. Joey's chief advisor was very old and had very bad vision so he thought that Joey and Igor looked alike. Such facts are untrue. Igor was basically Quasi-Modo with Joey's musthache. Igor wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, in fact he was a spoon in a drawer full of very sharp blades. In his everlasting quest to find an infinite supply of candy, he sent millions of people to dig for it. Eventually Joey had to revert to his superhuman form, SuperStalin, and slay his own brother in an epic battle of death and doom.

Music career[edit]

Though his musical accomplishments sucked, Stalin was selected as Time's Man of the Year in 1942. Кантата о СталинеOutside of his three roles of frontiersman and wizard and gay porn star, Stalin is perhaps most famous for his long running drumming career with hit English band The Beatles. Under the alias of Ringo Stalin, he recorded over 73 top ten hits in both England and his native Mongolia. The highlight of his musical catalogue is unarguably his 17-hour drum solo at the end of "Viva La Socialist Disco Fever," a track originally banned from The Beatles' infamous Red Album.

As the Beatles worked on their Diaelectic Materialism Will Cripple Capitalism album, regular reports appeared in British tabloids of conflicts between Stalin, John Lennon, and George Harrison. The stories quoted Stalin as saying that Lennon and Harrison were extremely mean spirited and control freaks. As proof for his claims, Stalin leaked the infamous John Lennon quote on cripples: "Wherever we went there's always a few seats laid aside for cripples and people in wheelchairs... they're pushing them at you like you're Christ or something. You'd open up every night, and instead of seeing kids there you'd just see a row full of cripples on the front... It seemed like (we were) just surrounded by cripples and blind people all the time. And when we'd go through corridors, everybody would be -- they'd be all touching us. It got horrifying." Stalin's only on-the-record quote about the conflict was, "John Lenin is a pud-licking pussy boy."

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Alas, Stalin was sacked from the band in 1989. Reasons cited included "massacred millions," "evil dictator," "ate children for brunch," "refused to trim moustache," and "did not douche for days on end." A drum machine replaced him. From then, he was forced to start a new band. Infact, he started the Boy Band trend. What Boy Band did he create? What else? He joined the Backstreet Boys. But in less than a week, he was kicked off the band due to violating the first policy in joining a Boy Band..Being a boy. So with nothing else to do. He went solo. With his singing careerin jeopardy, Stalin had to make money by pole-dancing at Moe's Nightclub and wore a phoney Spiderman suit.


In 1991, Stalin scored a hit with his solo single "SexyBack." The song captured the spirit of the times as the Soviet Union fell apart, with the memorable lyrics: Gorky Park is melting in the dark / All the sweet, red icing flowing down / Someone left Lenin's body out in the rain / I don't think Gorbachev can take it / 'Cause it took Marx long to bake it / And we'll never have that recipe again / Oh, no!

Addictions[edit]

Alongside with his troubles of trying to find hairless part on him, he has an addiction. After years of eating toilet paper, shaving his beard, 'Stalinator' has developed a soap bar smoking habit. That's why his moustache is so clean, its from the constant smoking soap bars. While being imprisoned in his own bathroom by his own mother, Satan, and his father(s), Motha teresa, Dave Chappelle, and Chuck Norris, he ate everything that occupied space in there, including the plastic toilet. Because of all shittie products made in the former Soviet Onion, Stalin, using terror, force, and propaganda, forced everyone to give up their tootsie rolls and eat their shirts.

Stalin as Spidey-Boy[edit]

While still popular as a foreign actor in Holywood, he took over Petey Parker's role after finding out that he could not kiss a girl because it was against his religion. Stalin was now the actor for Spider-Man. But in recent discoveries, the fashion peoples and the cosmetic designers could not stop the hair-growing bush from getting larger. They said 'it's like finding pockets of Japannese soldiers who don't even know the war's over. Nevertheless, he had to take on the role as Hairy Oscorp, due to his extreme hair-growth formula. It also saved a lot of money by not having too spend money a bear costume.Unfortunately, Stalin was not able to take control over the producer's job and was forced over to a corner for a time-out.

Stalinwood[edit]

While in exile or time-out, Stalin went to Hollywood for a year to star alongside Danny Devito Snr in the original Borat movie. This hit made him the most popular foreign actor in Hollywood. He won an Oscar for Best Actor and had a city named after him (Stalingrad). While filming his second movie, his career in Hollywood was cut short after being called back to Russia for political duties.

Stalin during World War 2[edit]

Stalin had so little faith in his own communist regime that he joined up with the Germans. It is considered by many that this is the actual reason Germany lost the war.At the outbreak of World War 2, Stalin had so little faith in his own communistic regime that he decided to switch side to aid Communocaptalistic Germany. Stalin seemed to be an excellent cook, famous for cooking KFC for ze German soldiers. Stalin himself is fully responsible for the defeat of Germany ; he stole Hitlers moustache hoping it would make him an excellent dictator. This caused Hitler to get depressed, and without ze Fuhrer the Reich was leaderless and lost the war. The motherland then accepted Stalin back, and from that point on Stalin became really evil, and the secret lover of Satan.

Stalin's Mustache[edit]

Hillary Clinton with Stalin's mustache

Hillary Clinton with Stalin's mustache Recent discoveries have lead political scientists to believe that the mustache is actually an alien symbiote that causes people to become successful dictators. By running photo comparisons, scientists have determined Stalin's mustache was originally found on Marx, then later found its was to Vladimir Lenin's face, after which Lenin caused the rise of the Communist state in post-Imperial Russia. The mustache then migrated to Stalin's face after Lenin's death. When Stalin combusted in 2003, his mustache survived, and is currently in the possession of Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Stalin's Achievements[edit]

Not known to many peoples of the world, Stalin was the sole inventor and pioneer of dancing. Which is a fun and enjoyable activity. He also stopped the rampage of, and defeated ice in 1947, which is now only used for transporting kidneys, and cooling your beverage, in its tame and controlled state.

He threw the largest party.Stalin was also a registered proctologist, and was crucial to the development of the "Enema of the People," a public colon-cleansing booth. One of the few remaining booths can be found in Asstana, capital of Kazass-stan.

Stalin also set the record for most Grammy nominations with 2,467, winning on 342 occasions. All of these were for his series of spoken word albums, "People I Have Killed," on which he recited the names of his victims in order from start to finish. For unknown reasons, volume 2,468 has been put on hold indefinitely, possibly due to a royalty dispute with the estate of Lavrenti Beria. Stalin ALSO ran a drug factory, where ape eating babies stewed rabbits and smoked them This later lead to chronic indegestion

The World[edit]

Coincidence? We think not!

Stalin said that communism only worked in Russia. Then, when all the cool kids started saying it could work in the rest of the world, Stalin pulled a John Kerry and said he had said it worked worldwide since the beginning.

Lenin was shot in New York by a phat guy with glasses, aka Harry Pothead, and he died. Stalin said Lenin died because he (Stalin) was too cool. But still, Stalin named his new country after Lenin, but he was a horrible speller, so he misspelled "Lenin" as S-O-V-I-E-T U-N-I-O-N.

That last part has nothing to do with the world.