The Great Republic of Stan
'Kazakhstan, Turkmenistan, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Tajikstan, [email protected]*$astan'
|Motto: "Google Earth us!"|
|Anthem: "Kazakstan is better than all the other countries in the world"|
A bankrupt Satan trespassing on the Bank's property.
|Official language(s)||Arabic, 1337|
|‑ Homey||Phyuck Yiu II|
|National Hero(es)||Yura Ashtinx|
|(separated into various independent nations in ~7000BC|
Stan was the ancient name of the region that lies approximately between present-day India and Russia. It has been crudely translated into "Satan's Land", although this is very inaccurate, because Satan defaulted on his mortgage well before Stan was inhabited, so it is widely assumed to be "The Bank's Land". The name Stan was still used until about 7000 BC, when the Great Pie War concluded.
The Great Pie War
- The Pie Packers
- The Alex Trebekians
- The Turkey Farmers
- The Blanketists
- The 1337 Extremists
The Beginnings of War
The Great Pie War erupted in approximately 7900 BC, when turkey prices hit an all time low on the Stanian Stock Exchange, due to the Alex Trebekians all becoming vegetarians. Turkey Farmers became so enraged, that instead of selling anymore turkeys, they baked a bunch of turkey pot pies, as it was much more economically feasible. They also hired the Pie Packers to begin carrying these turkey pot pies across the land to the Alex Trebekian region of Stan. The Blanketists, sensing the impending danger, hid under their blankets until their mom got home.
Outbreak occurred when one of the Pie Packers slipped, and a pie was unintentionally launched, not at a Trebekian target as planned, but at a 1337 Extremist Fortress. The 1337 Extremists retaliated quickly by getting units together, harvesting resources, building little bases to make pies and more units, and finally attacking other little bases with Custard Pies. This strategy of war was not seen before, and surprised the other factions. The Blanketists ended up complaining a lot, and eventually the 'Merengue Pact' was signed, stating that this form of warfare would not be used again until the original Command & Conquer comes out.
In the meantime, the Pie Packers realized that they were getting a pretty shitty deal, and turned against the farmers. However, this uprise was short lived, because they had no means of making their own pies to throw at anyone.
Combat lasted for decades, with the farmers, Alex Trebekians, and the 1337 Extremists gaining and losing small parts of the battlefield, but no significant victories were ever achieved. The Blanketists resided pretty much in the middle of the fighting, using blankets as a shield of sorts if necessary, creating a very strong defence. However, blankets are limited in their offensive capabilities, so generally Blanketists were not a threat to the other factions.
A Dramatic Conclusion
Eventually, the 1337 Extremists began to run out of resources, and the farmers began to run out of turkeys. The Alex Trebekists saw this weakness, and formulated a plan to attack. However, their map got accidentally turned upside down, and instead of moving south into the farmer's territory, they ended up going North, where they came up to the impenetrable Soviet Iron Curtain. Unfortunately, they didn't research the Iron Curtain on Uncyclopedia, and thought that they could bring it down with their arsenal of apple and wildberry pies. After wasting all their ammunition, the Alex Trebekists thought it best just to stay where they were, and stay out of the remainder of the fighting.
The farmers and the 1337 Extremists eventually settled a truce, with the farmers getting the productive farmland to the west, and the 1337 Extremists getting the Eastern portion of Stan, which was full of resources and bottlenecks where they could play SimBase all day. The farmers granted the Pie Packers their own share of land, in return for their years of service during the war. The Blanketists finally poked their heads out, saw what was going on, and took the middle part.
The Results Are In
Each faction eventually settled in their own area of Stan, which led to the separation of Stan into independent countries. Ancient texts usually describe these new countries as follows:
- The Turkey Farmers came to a region known as "Turkmenistan"
- The Blanketists changed their tribe name, and settled in "Afghanistan"
- The Alex Trebekians also underwent some changes, and settled in "Uzbekistan". No one is sure where the "Uz" part originated.
- The Pie Packers, along with the more recent Green Bay Packers, settled in the "Pakistan" region
- The 1337 Extremists could not agree on a single name, so it was split into three incomprehensible names: "Kazahkstan", "Tajikistan", and the most unintelligible "Kyrgyzstan".
- A bunch of communist people picked up and moved to a new land dubbed "Kentuckistan".
- Dave Barry created a new country called "Grzkjistan" which is located in Florida.
It is widely assumed that in ancient Stanian times, Proto-English, and eventually Proto-Leet were the languages of choice for most Stanians. Writings, pictograms, acronyms, backronyms, and of course the famous "Mural of 0M9UU7F101R0F1MFA0" that were found in ancient 1337 Extremist caves and fortresses have all been used as evidence of this ancient language.
The Mural of 0M9UU7F101R0F1MF40
R0F101! 0M9UU7FMF40! | / ___() (:0)--|--- /| | \ ____/ | | |