Standardized Tests

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Disclaimer: Besides the PSAT one of the authors has never taken a high school-level standardized test, which makes this advice all the more worthwhile. The other likes to lie.


Standerdized Test - Tensel Strength. Any child who gets ripped in half by less than 2.5 times their own body weight can not pass to the next grade.

Ah, the wonderful standardized test. God’s gift to the world to weed the retarded from the genius, standardized tests are a part of the basic fabric of a student's life. As the definition might imply, a standardized test is an common exam that is given to all students to determine which fancy colleges they might have a chance in hell of getting into. They also have to do with money, as high scores can grab you some nice financial aid. (Especially if you're one of those coloreds, or have other disablities) The two main ones are the SAT (Schloastic Aptitude Test) and the ACT (Another Crappy Test) and each student will have his or her favorite. The queer, drama club hippies tend to prefer the SAT, because it is all about making up Literature answers. The geeky, living-in-mom's-basement-for-the-rest-of-their-sad-existence types prefer the ACT, as that math crap is what they do for fun. Tests are also the last thing that you do before you die. For instance, if you are shot you must write a 4000 page essay on who shot you and why then answer a multiple choice test with 3000 different answers per question this is the standardized test that lets you know if you should be allowed to go to heaven or not and if you fail you are sent directly to hell (AKA SCHOOL)

This Section is About How Middle Schoolers Take Standardized Tests Don't We Wish We Still Had F-J Bubbles[edit]

Standardized tests were in fact developed 50 years in the future and we only have them thanks to The Terminator, so they are pretty futuristic. In fact, they are so advanced that they are actually graded and scored by a computer. Imagine.

Why are you reading this? Did I tell you to stop imagining? It wasn’t a friggin’ option.

Ok, you can stop now. Where was I? Oh, bubbles. Well, in the future, bubbles are hip. As hip as N*Sync is right now. So obviously, bubbles are the best choice the scoring method. In the completely scripted and awkward speech that teachers give before the test begins, the protor will mention how to fill in these bubbles with the correct answer. Each question has only 3 right answers, and it is your goal to identify them and fill in all three correctly. Doing any less would be an insult to God.

Each question usually has 5 answers and the A-E alternates with F-J every other question. Those kidders at the testing institutes often will include hidden messages or photos into the answer key, so always make sure to change your answers to conform to their every wish.

Nothing else in a standardized test matters, for that would require caring. And procrastinators, by law, cannot care.

Take a short standardized test by filling in this bubble O

Practical Applications of Doing Well On Standardized Tests[edit]

Although there are those who claim that knowledge gained by preparing for standardized tests has no use outside the tests, there are many examples of such knowledge being of vital importance:

  • On January 17th 1987, Jerome M. Bottlehogger of Paris, Texas was held at gun point by an masked assailant, who threatened to shoot Mr. Bottlehogger unless he could tell him what the opposite of the word ignominious. Luckily Mr. Bottlehogger had recently taken the SAT's, and answered the question with ease. The assailant thanked Mr. Bottlehogger politely and went on his way.
  • Well-known actress Scarlett Johansson has publicly stated on several occasions that she would "Do the wild thing with any man who got better than a 1370 on his SATs. It gets me hot just thinking about it."
  • Ever seen that show Numb3rs?
  • A recent survey has shown that 87% of the population who make more the $40,000 annually scored more than 1300 on their SATs. Of this 87%, 40% also engage in sexual intercourse with a willing partner more than twice a week. Of the 13% who do make less than $40,000 annually, 43% are dead. That means that of the 500,000 people polled.... let's see, 40% of 87, plus 2, minus 40,000, multiply by five... it's just useful ok?

See Also[edit]