Star Gate

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The Stargate team is renowned for starting the 1970's fashion and culture revolution back in their second season, by way of a needlessly complex time travel episode. Some speculate they wanted to re-live their memories of Woodstock
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Star Gate.

“(glares suspiciously) This indeed is Goa'uld technology, O'Neill.”

~ Teal'c on every crisis SG-1 faces

Star Gate (also referred to as "MacGyver In Space" or sometimes, incorrectly, "Stargate SG-1"), the scientific video-journal, is the highest rated television show in the entire Universe, thanks to its careful scheduling and groundbreaking scientific discoveries. These discoveries include imaginary materials, and concrete ideas about abstract things, such as "energy", "happiness", and "The US Military". The programme started with its initial team in the year 1996 on the now defunct Snowrhyme Network.

The show takes its name from the device discovered and used in the Movie first episode, the Stargate, which enables the team to communicate live with scientific authorities and colleagues throughout the Universe. The team's involvement with inter-planatery relations was initially a strong reason for large ratings, but during the show's later seasons it had, in some people's opinions, deteriorated into an inter-planetary soap opera. This had no effect on the ratings at all, thanks to women in their thirties.

Star Gate ran 10 seasons, with its most popular seasons being the 1st and 9th seasons, and the special bonus season - Season Helicopter, which naturally comes between the 4th and 7th seasons. Up until now, the show has not won any Emmys or Grammys, or anything else. This is due to the show's participants being made entirely out of plutonium. This has unsettled the advisory boards.

The Physicists[edit]

Star Gate is first and foremost a physics video-journal, detailing the lives and works of a group of astrophysicists working in conjunction across the galaxy. Key among the show's contributors are (As of the 10th Season):

Current Physicists[edit]

  • Lieutenant Kernal Cameron Mitchell, a marine biologist who one day wandered into the military base. He enjoys showcasing his wide array of knowledge and wisdom, and often recites the ancient proverb "bullets bounce," much to the admiration and jealousy of the rest of the team. He was deemed too useful to allow to leave, and was thus forced into joining SG-1. Trained in the ninja arts of Origami, Mitchell must defend himself against the anger and emotional fragility of the others, all the while longing to return to his home under the sea.
Is known as Ben Browder on Thursdays.
  • Doctor, Captain, Major, Lieutenant Kernel Samantha Carter, a blonde-haired anomaly in the demographic, who owns a pet accordion named Jeffrey. Aside from her supposed super-smartness, she is also known for her many boyfriends, all of whom mysteriously end up dead. Always ends up married to Jack O'Neill in parallel universes where everything is backwards and Kawalsky is alive. Is wanted in eight star systems for beginning sentences with "Even if..." too much.
Is also known as Amanda Tapping to her current boyfriend, who has never watched the show.
  • Dr. Daniel Jackson, plays the role of the classic Kenny McCormick archetype. He dies in virtually every episode, but is always inexplicably alive again by the beginning of the next episode.
Also known as Michael Shanks, having changed it from Michael Jackson at age eight.
Teal'c gets just a tinsy bit cranky when you interrupt his Kel'No'Reem
  • Teal'c (Pronounced 'Teal-Cuh'), is a "Jaffa-Cake" tribe member resembling Lawrence Fishburne, with muscles the size of small moons. Can crush people with his eyebrows, and is a widely regarded stand-up comedian. His favorite word is rumored to be "Indeed" but because he rarely talks this remains unconfirmed. Has been recorded saying "Indeed" 27,896 times in the show's history.
Is known as Christopher Judge, having changed it from Judge Christopher at age 18.
  • General Hank Laundry, quite possibly the cleanest and whitest General in Vancouver, thanks to his routine habit of washing with bleach. Owns one (1) daughter and thus has +50 more HP than that of O'Neill and Hammond.
Often trolls message boards under the username Beau Bridges in his free time.
  • Vala Mal Doran, replaced Jack O'Neill as Dorothy. Gave birth to the Orici, who is passing through her rebellous stage by trying to take over the galaxy. Vala's less than pleased. In her spare time, Vala enjoys shopping at Victoria's Secret (no kidding), impersonating a false god named Qetesh, impersonating Daniel Jackson's wife, and playing with her own pigtails.
She also impersonates Claudia Black.
  • Control Room Kid, the essential human replacement for a computer voice which repeats four different phrases. He is believed to be the son of Radar on M*A*S*H. Moonlights as an altruistic Taxicab driver in Philadelphia .
Sources are unclear, although the most common belief is that his name is Walter Harriman.

Physicists that have left the show[edit]


You did WHAT to my character?!
  • Kernel Jack O'Neill, an embodiment of a BSD kernel. Died after a lengthy battle with Vancouveritis. Occasionally returns as a zombie for special guest appearances. Has been testing Loreal's "Hair Greying" product for several years, to much success. He considers himself worth it. Dismantled a Death Glider and mailed it home piece-by-piece. Used to repeatedly fantasize about being married to Samantha Carter, but when more and more of her boyfriends ended up dead, he cut his losses started dating Carrie. He holds the longest ever golf shot having sent a golf ball over 100 light years to another planet(Stargate or not that is FARRRR).
Also known as Andrew Dean Richardson AKA MacGyver. (1997-2005)
  • General George Hammond, the eccentric owner of the Cheyene Mountain and inventor of Hammond's Organ (snort...), where he built up the Stargate program with royalties earned from the promotion of Don West Salmon. He was previously the overseer of the failed Jurassic Park project. Left due to a promotion to the Right Hand of God.
The alias of Don S. Davis. (1997-2004)
  • Jonas Quinn, the very booksmart murderer of Dr Jackson. No charges were filed after Dr Jackson ascended, rather than dying, leaving authorities with no proper legal basis to pursue the case. Left the show due to anorexia.
But he prefers it when people call him Corin Nemec. (2001-2002)
Thor...No wait, Hermiod....No, no, it's definitely Thor....probably
  • Dr. Thor, an Asgard who would not look out of place at the bottom of one of our oceans. Hyper-intelligent. Also, hyper-skinny and hyper-allergic to pants. Dr. Thor has been quoted as saying "Look at my IQ! It's over Nine-Thousand!! Do I win a prize for that or something?"
Also known as Bruce Lee. (1998-2005)
  • Dr. Elizabeth Weir, temporarily led the SGC. Lasted only two-point-six-one weeks because Samantha Carter wasn't pleased about having competition on the base. The trauma caused her to have extreme plastic surgery including liposuction and a nose job. She also mysteriously changed from blonde to brunette. Moved to Antarctica with her new boyfriend, John Sheppard. Has since moved with John to the lost city of Atlantis, and still made the occasional trip back to the SGC before becoming a Replicator.
Played by Canadian Communist Cylon Torri Higginson. (?-?)

Physicists that may make an appearence[edit]

  • Stephen Hawking, who has experience both as a prominent astrophysicist and as a sniper.
  • Socrates, known for his progression of the theories of Quantum Physics and Discothéquing .
  • David Hewlett, unsuccessful Cube escapee from Canada. Fantasizes over Samantha Carter.
  • Al Gore, certified "Space idiot" (the official term) who thinks that whatever he says is the truth.
  • Jesus, because come on. We've had Egyptian gods, Greek gods, Roman gods, Norse gods, and so on. You gotta figure he'll show up sooner or later.


In 2006, the Sci-Fi Channel cancelled the long running series. This has prompted several different kinds of reactions amongst fans, which range from indifference to mass suicide. The cast, however, remains unaffected by this, as their contracts will force them to make new episodes until they die; the episodes just won’t be aired anymore. Upon hearing the news of the cancellation, the Asgard, the oldest, most revered race in the entire galaxy, immediately committed mass suicide. This, unfortunately, took place just minutes before the Star Gate movies were announced.

The Physics[edit]

Ra learns that his dragon has been banned from yugioh.

Star Gate's exceptional breakthroughs in science (most notably astrophysics) have caused universal peace. These include, and will be covered in greater detail later: Subspace, Zero Point Modules, Ascension, Energy Crystals, and Deforestation. Key amongst the protagonists is Samantha Carter, whose brilliant brain and subjectively praised looks has yielded the greatest understanding of these new ideas and technologies - technologies created using these new ideas, which she understands. Following is a list of the technologies now being introduced into the corporate sector following their discoveries.


Subspace is similar to a fifth dimension in which the Time-Space Continuum (from Einstein's Very Special Theory of Relativity) is warped, allowed for near-instantaneous travel to any specified point in your own universe. Subspace is actually located inside Canada, except until this date no one has been able to find it, and no one ever expects to. Travel through subspace is interestingly pretty, and very quick. Travel through two wormholes obviously requires the two wormholes to be sustained, and consequently the Stargates were invented from toasters by the famous Ancient, MacGyver. This is an example of reverse-engineering, and the same principle was used for the Refridgerator. Subspace can be used for many things, including the channeling of power, most notably used in the Zero Point Modules and garage door openers.

Zero Point Modules[edit]

It takes three of these to power Atlantis' shield. Self-explanatory. Four is an inordinately large amount of ZPMs and two ZPMs....please. Two? Get fucking serious.

Zero Point Modules (or ZPMs - pronouned "Zee-pee-em" or "Zed-pee-em" if you're David Hewlett) are devices created by the Ancients for power sources, similar to our current batteries. They run on the phenomenon known as "quantam foam" which makes pretty pink bubbles that are an excellent bubble bath, but a pain to clean up. Just like batteries they can run out, and you won't be able to start your car, and you'll need jumper leads, and you'll look like an idiot. ZPMs can store large amounts of energy, more energy than an atomic bomb - naturally the US Military has not disclosed this stained glass technology, as fears about terrorism, North Korea and kittens have been high on the political agenda. Zero Point Modules are blue, not pink, because ZPMs are sexist. ZPMs are the primary power source for most of the Ancient's technology, except the Stargates, because The Ancients thought it would be funny to be inconsistent, because they think they're just so hilarious. ZPM's are also used for powering washing machines, waffle makers, and are being looked into to power the next generation of iPod. One common acronym for ZPMs is SMR (or Shiny Mountain Rock.)

Not to be confused with Tiffany-Style Lamps which, even if they are quite pretty, cannot help you fight alien invasions as efficiently.


Although technologically inferior to the Daedalus, Prometheus was still better at one thing: being destroyed.

Prometheus is the name of the sole spaceship (with the exception of the others) built with the newly discovered technologies acquired by the team. It is made entirely out of recycled soft-drink cans, and has been known to exceed several thousand kilometres per second. This makes it the fastest Earth spaceship named Prometheus in existance, and is included in the 2007 Guinness book of Records. Prometheus is an armed ship, and maintains an active battery of guns, and several missiles, although it has been widely criticized due to its shields, which have been known to drop from 100% to 20% at the slightest hint of enemy fire (and is vulnerable to eagles eating its liver). It was once rumoured that a new sonic weapon, Anya, would be deployed. Critics have pointed out that sound doesn't go anywhere in space. The US Military has yet to respond to these allegations, however, a leaked document has been sighted with the phrase "even in space, you can hear Anya scream".


Probably the Daedalus... Only diehard fans are able to see the slight difference in the shade of grey, distinguishing each ship.
This vessel, the Odyssey most likely, encountered a severe gravimetric twist phenomenon from leaks due to the airing of the Star Trek: Voyager episode "Twisted".
We give the Russians the Korolev for five minutes and look what happens...
There's just...something with the Tau'ri and not being able to keep their cool toys around for long...oh, and this is the Phoenix or something. You can tell by the additional communications rod on the port flight pod.

After Prometheus' graceful decommission (pictured above) the SGC realized that they had a massive surplus as a result of stealing Stargates from worlds and holding them up for ransom. And with that the Daedalus class battlecruisers were created. Sporting a slightly less phallic looking design than the Prometheus, the Daedalus could sustain fire from a Ha'tak vessel for ten minutes rather than the usual thirty seconds before their shields went down to twenty percent. Since being introduced there have been five (sixth if you count alternate timelines, but then again who doesn't?) Daedalus class battlecruisers built. The sixth (known as Phoenix in another timeline) is under construction, in the current timeline, as the Major Ham Sandwich. Oh, wait... it's actually General Hammond.

  • Daedalus, after months of heated arguments on the name of the first Daedalus battleship the SGC finally decided on calling it the Hippaforalkus, but at the last second changed it to the Daedalus. During this time the Ori swept through the galaxy unopposed killing billions of people. Noted Daniel Jackson on the event "this was the most regrettable waste of time in my entire life." Anyway, the Daedalus has since become a ferry between the Milky Way and Pegasus Galaxy offering a nice scenic view of the massive void between the two galaxies. Asgard Shields: check. Angry Bald Commander: check. Fancy Blue Ray Guns: hell yeah! Special Attribute: Interdimensional drive and transport nukes, check.
  • Odyssey, with the Daedalus occupied in the Pegasus Galaxy, Earth needed its own protection from angry foreigners (French Canadians). As a result (and keeping with the obscure Greek names) the Odyssey was created. Originally being no different from the Daedalus, the Odyssey has since become the flagship of Earth basically owning the Daedalus in every aspect (being destroyed and rebuilding itself, I don't see the Daedalus doing that). Asgard Shields: check. Commander: No permanent commander after many believing the post to be cursed. Z(Zed if you're Rodney)PM: Indeed. Asgard Core: awesome so long as it's kept away from IOA jackasses. Fancy Blue Ray Guns: hell yeah! Special Attribute: Time Manipulation and Cloak, "bitchin'!" as General O'Neill put it.
  • Korolev, after losing a game of strip poker with Colonel Checkov, General Landry was forced to give the Daedalus designs to the Russians. The Russians, showing their "mastery" in engineering, then created the Korolev (which I believe is Russian for a piece of shit). While only serving one mission the Korolev was crucial in acting as a shield for the Odyssey while it escaped the battle with the Ori. Asgard Shields: check. Angry Russian Commander: проверить. Fancy Blue Ray Guns: sorry, the Asgard only like Americans. Special Attribute: uncanny ability to be destroyed.
  • Apollo, thinking to themselves "Oh what the hell let's just build another one for no reason" the SGC built the Apollo (again with the Greek names). In its first major mission the Apollo showed off its diplomatic skills by launching a barrage of nukes at the Replicator homeworld. Needless to say the Replicators were a tad pissed and retaliated, however they lacked the ability to not be destroyed by Fancy Blue Ray Guns. Since then the Apollo has been wandering space shooting whatever gets in their way with Fancy Blue Ray Guns. Asgard Shields: check. Angry Bald Commander: check and bonus points for being black. Fancy Blue Ray Guns: hell yeah! (I think I said Fancy Blue Ray Guns enough in this section). Special Attribute: the Horizon missile (if the other countries on Earth found out about this, ohh they'd be pissed).
  • Phoenix (Alternate timeline), whether or not it actually exists doesn't deny the fact that it still gave bitchin' space battles. Given the mission of: destroy the Wraith! the Phoenix managed to destroy most of the Wraith fleet in a matter of minutes. The Wraith, the geniuses they are, took a couple weeks to realize "hey we outnumber them sixty to one" and launched an ambush against the Phoenix. Although destroyed the Phoenix managed to give a final FU to Michael by taking twenty hive ships along with it (number retrieved from Phoenix blackbox, although some believe Colonel Carter may have exaggerated). Asgard Shields: check. Sexy Female Commander: check and meowww. Fancy Blue Ray Guns: hell yeah! Special Attribute: uncanny ability to guide flaming debris into enemy ships.
  • General Hammond, originally planned to be called the Major Injury, and then General Stupidity, and lastly Phoenix, it's name was finally changed to the General Hammond (in memorial to the Bald SGC commander). Unfortunately, it only flys around Earth waiting for something exciting to happen. Other than its name, its like the Phoenix in every way. Well, except for the whole "being destroyed" thing. Oh yea, and in order to break the chain of bald 304 captains, Samantha Carter was named the ship's commander. Special Attribute: Carter's ability to upgrade the ship by speaking scientific terms.
This prototype poster was created by the Asgard to advertise their fancy new ray-guns. Their name was later changed to "Plasma Beam weapons" as the title "Uber" was already a registered trademark of the Ancients.
  • Sun Tzu, in an attempt to confuse their enemies, the SGC decided to name a ship something that no one knows how to pronounce... or spell. Stolen by Chinese "Space pirates", its initial mission was to get it's ass kicked in a battle with the Wraith before they reached Earth... and U.S. "President" Barack Obama (also leader of the Wraith society). Fortunately, Bald Apollo captain came to the Sazoo's... wait, Sun Tzu's rescue from these crazed Barack Obama loving aliens (aka: Democrats). Bald Apollo captain then flew to "Space WalMart" to get the Sun Tzu a new hyperdrive. Fortunately, it was compatible... being made in China. Unfortunately, it was drastically slower than the Sun Tzu's original drive; containing lead instead of naquadah.

The Theology[edit]

The Stargate team's goal is ultimately to find the meaning of life, a theme only ever really touched on in season 1, but as the seasons continued, the team was unable to avoid the issue entirely, and even made a fictional spin-off, named "Stargate Atlantis", to try and entertain the media. However, several discoveries have been made which do relate the Meaning Of Life, most notably Ascension:


Ascension is the term given to beings on this mortal coil who ascend to a higher plane of existance. It's rather tricky, and requires a pass in Mathematics, Physics, Chemistry and either English or Literature. Several universities and technical colleges offer Ascension as a short course, and charge a high price for it. This was undermined by several very intelligent commerce students, who realised that they could take out loans for the course, ascend, and never have to repay the bank. One man Qoutes "I have ASCENDED!;)" Ascension allows the being to exist purely as energy in the cosmos, and opens up all the secrets of the Universe to that person. Clearly, once you have everything, you find it isn't what you wanted, and you're not really happy; you're actually a small town girl pining for your quaint way of life. Ascension was originally patented by Richard Branson who later lost all rights on this idea to Elron Hubbard. Nobody is entirely sure how he lost the patent, although prevailing theories are similar to the "Where have all my socks gone?" theory. Another, less common but more likely to be total crap, is the belief that Arthur C. Clarke had prior art. However, this is unlikely because he was not a Prior.

The Ancients[edit]

The Ancients created the Wraith... and their obsession for backwards swordfish air guitar.

Ah, the Ancients. Even before they became ancient they still called themselves that because, well, they had massive egos. This was evident when they first met with the Asgard and passive-aggressively said to them "oh, you guys made transporter systems and clones huh, that's pretty cool. Oh, what did we make, oh just the FUCKING STARGATES!!!" Yes the Ancients were all that, they could make or do just about everything. Everything that is except beat the Wraith(who do nothing but reproduce at a rate that makes rabbits feel ashamed) and prevent themselves from being killed off by a virus(which they happened to make super dooomy invicibiluis), but other than that they were just great. After living countless generations, they grew tired of their mortal lives and invented Ascension so as to truly become the Gods they thought they were. After Ascending they evolved past the need for their physical bodies and past the ability to care about the people who lived in the Milky Way Galaxy. Quoted one Ancient on their new powers "what, did you think the Goa'uld just evolved from snakes in a lake? Hell no, we were bored one day and really drunk and one thing lead to another and well, we thought it'd be embarrassing to step in and admit our mistake so we just backed away." Spoken like a true God. Goa'uld also got way nastier since they incorporated naquada into their bloodstream, with naquada being nearly tens times as good as plutonium(which is why Ra added it to the bomb, is like gas but for plutonium, and reactors and stuff).

Star Gate Episodes[edit]

Are you one of those geeks that want to know every Star Gate episode name to impress those in your Star Gate Club or AOL chat? Then the Star Gate episodes and movies guide is for you! Not interested in the trillions of episodes of Star Gate? Then you want the Star Gate Atlantis episodes guide, with only 83 seasons of Ancient fun! Viewer discretion is advised due to the high concentration of violence involving blue energy ray-guns, and the occasional character romance.

Stargate vs Atlantis[edit]

SG-1 had juggling... Atlantis had water. Lots and lots of water.

Yeah. So... what we did this with Star Trek, but it's fun to do

  • They had MACGYVER
  • Had a texan for a base commander not some little whining bitch who calls his dog his baby
  • One word Teal'c
  • Didn't have that slimey son of a slug Todd double crossing them every Damned season
  • Actually defeated their main enemy in their show's run infact they defeated 3 Atlantis only beat 1 which Stargate had already defeated
  • Defeated evil Ancients in their toilet bowl ships
  • Teal'c doesn't need a pansy peashooter like Ronon's to kill people. He uses his hands.
  • Daniel could fight and he was a nerd yet Rodney couldn't shoot a giant barn
  • Like Janeway,Carter has more hair than all the ship captains combined.
  • O'Neill had the knowledge of the ancients, Sheppard was a fucking Kirk imposter.
  • Teal'c had a golden symbol ON HIS FOREHEAD
  • O'Neill has had sex, Sheppard was raped by some royal fag.
  • Teal'c makes bald captains jealous, he starts bald and grows DREADLOCKS poor bastards
  • Had full frontal lady in pilot with HUGE honkers. Atlantis had an arrow in Rodneys ass
  • After carter dates and has intercourse with a guy she will dump them or cause their death
  • Had coolest baddies with glowing eyes not some green skinned fucks with vaginas in their palmsmakes you about 12 times as strong but then they steal your lifeforce and crapp it out later mixed with bug poop. and your soul...
  • Mitchell can do martial arts. Mckay can't even stay in a hand to hand fight for a nanosecond
  • Siler is a stuntman Zelenka is a Czech hobo/terrorist with a fake id.
  • Walter gets his ass kicked all the time and still hasn't quit. Half of the season 1 team quits at the end of the season.
  • Those lady greenskin fucks never tried to rape O'neill via being paralyzed yet sheppard has
  • SGC had like a million guards at the gate. Atlantis only had like 2..
  • SGC has a UAV and missiles it can shoot through the gate, to deep fry goa'uld on the other side.
  • Earth and O'Neill and his team actually fought worthwhile battles
  • Although Fraiser raped her sedated patients and always jabbed needles in their ass at least she wasn't a scottish man who was gay wi- nevermind i have said too much.
  • This show HAD HUMOUR the best atlantis had where the greenskinned vagina palmed fucks which people would fantasise about.
  • When O'Neill and his team are missing Hammond never stops looking hell he sends in troops to rescue them and like a quarter of them return
  • Atlantis having only the cattle raping Genii as a sort of ally only looks the hard way and gives up after an episode.
  • In SG1 they showed bathrooms, none were showed in Atlantis they probably just use a bucket and throw it over.
  • O'Neill didn't need to blow up the control room to take back the SGC after it was taken over by mimic aliens
  • The producers told Showtime to FUCK OFF after they wanted to end it. Good fight showtime..not
  • Nudity was frequent in SG1 with the Asgard refusing to wear pants saying if they did their 3 best friends would run out of air and shrivel.
  • O'Neill fought in desert storm, Sheppard didn't last 2 minutes in somalia without being hit by an rpg
  • All Teal'c uses in a interrogation is his stare. Ronon prefers to show them pictures of his fuzzy friend
  • Although Sheppards hair was far more sexy O'Neill isn't losing any yet Sheppard is losing some around the sides
  • O'neill doesn't take a fucking season to contact home.
  • No matter how many times Daniel is killed he is brought back to life Beckett just copied the bastard
  • O'Neill could blow up the SGC and no one would question him not even Walter
  • People can walk in the SGC and know where they are, in Atlantis half of this giant floating gay village is still unexplored, and is porbably still packed with dead fish due to lack of sunlight, viva la revolution fish!

SGU vs Stargate in General[edit]

  • Had nudity, whilst SGU had a worthless sex scene.(.Y.)
  • Stargate Sg1 was original, SGU ripped off voyager and BattleStar Shatactica.
  • Two timing exists in SGU so thats a point to them.
  • More assholes in SGU
  • MOAR sex in SGU
  • Ronon never made a flamethrower.
  • SGU also ripped off the Flood from Halo.
  • Sheppard never punched his lead scientist.
  • Stargate never used to have 4 month breaks until this....
  • Has a sex reference in every episode, even has hawt drunken girls, LOVE IT.


Damn! I could have had a V8. Stupid F***ing aliens...

The Stargate franchise has always sought to further the spectrum in which they advertise their shows. This venture eventually resulted in a cross-promotion with V8 vegetable juice.

See Also[edit]