Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

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“Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz".”

~ Everyone on Deep Space 9
The series production team attempts to out-do the Enterprise. Not shown: Success.

Star Trek: Deep Sleep Nine was a Star Trek spinoff that ran for seven seasons too long on Fox TV. The series concentrated mainly on character development and complex story arcs that involved war, bizarre facial ridges, money, half-baked religious ideas, war, xenophobia, a hostile puddle of computer generated orange goo and war. It is widely regarded that Deep Space Nine is the closest any living human being has come to replicating the experience of purgatory. The structure of the later seasons was such that if fans missed a single episode, the universe itself would tear at the waistband and exhibit its flabby backside for the world to see.

More sinister than that, Deep Space Nine has recently been discovered to be a key part of a plot to "get the people into space." Network executives have confirmed that the character of Benjamin Sisko was meant to inspire black people to leave behind their miserable lives on Earth and go in search of opportunity elsewhere in the universe. After that, they figured that they could have the Earth to themselves, and enslave the Asians, the Hispanics and the crew of the U.S.S. Voyager.

Setting[edit]

As the station was located in deep space, Federation officials creatively renamed it "Deep Space Nine," which they vastly preferred to the station's former name, Harlem.

A frequently featured location on the series was the Promenade, a hotbed of prostitution and the trafficking of drugs known as "jumja sticks." Sisko made numerous attempts to crack down on the crime wave on the station, but was routinely greeted with resounding cries of "Down with the HECKING Federals!"

Main Cast[edit]

Worf reveals a disturbing fact about Sisko.
  • Mel Brooks as Benjamin Sisko, commander and later captain. Upon achieving the rank of captain, Sisko shaved his head, proving once and for all that all successful Star Fleet captains are bald. Sisko was the Emissary to Bajorans for a bunch of gods he did not believe in. So he's kinda like the Pope in that way. Wife killed in Hurricane Borg.
  • Nana Mouskouri as Almost Ensign Ro, But Not Quite, Bajoran liaison officer Kira Nerys-or was it Nerys Kira? WGAF. A bigot, religious zealot, and all-around person, Almost Ensign Ro was nonetheless well-liked by her fellow officers.
  • Perry Farrell as Jadzia Dax, science officer. Jadzia was sadly infested with a hideous internal parasite which led her to hallucinate a series of past lifetimes. Her fellow officers bought into her tragic psychosis until her death.
  • Gordon Kaye as Odo (aka "Unknown Sample"), security chief. Simultaneously hard-boiled and runny. Rarely uses his shapeshifting abilities due to the expensive FX involved, was last seen in a Bunker after loosing a futuristic version of WW2.
  • Sid Little as Typical English Man Julian Bashir with genetic enhancements. Developed a case of "time travel tourism addiction", impersonating key Middle Eastern figures in the 1st century BC and early twenty-first century.
  • Michael Knight as Worf, strategic operations officer. Job description extremely unclear, a possible economic refugee. Apparently, the role of strategic operations officer is effectively filled by being humorless and unpleasant and listening to a lot of Klingon opera.
Commander Sisqo.
  • Colin Powell as Typical Irish Drunk. The Irish Great Grandson of Scotty. Once every season, he suffers. Badly. Commander Cowen Chief O'Brien was killed when a scientist trapped him on a planet and nuked him (if you don't get the referance, then you can just burn in

the fires of eternal damnation, HALLOWED ARE THE ORI!!!!)

  • M. Knight Shyalaman as Quark, the Nox Ferengi bartender. Only cares about money and profit, except for in some episodes where, after excluding all other options, he decides to kiss ass in the hopes that people will reward him with money or profit.
  • Candy Robinson as Effeminate kardashian Tailor Elim Garak. Exiled for not conforming to his people's fashion standards. Has the hots for Typical English Man. Appears when complicated spy-ness and forced witticism are needed. Has serious daddy issues.
  • Max Power as Rom. A hopeless businessman and nervous wreck until he finds his true calling as an engineer. Somehow scores one of Quark's Dabo girls.
  • Cirroc Lofton as Big Pimp Jake Sisko. Doubled in height over the series' span.
  • Dr. Porter Nicole De Boer as Replacement Hottie Dax.
  • Aron EggNog as Nog. Somehow got into Starfleet despite the very tough entry requirements as experienced first-hand by Wesley Crusher. Positive discrimination is believed to have been the reason. Got his leg blown off in the last season because he didn't look where he was going.
  • Salami Jens as the the bad female Odo. Because the Borg Queen was already booked.
  • Kukalaka as Himself
  • Mark Alan Shepard as Morn, that fat dude who's in practically every episode. And is awesome.

Plot Overview[edit]

Sisko's now considered offensive "Angry Chinaman" Impression

Jadzia and Sisko discover the wormhole. Attempts are made to "boldly go where no one has before" in other people' glactic backyard, referred to as the "Gamma Quadrant". This leads to war. The Cardassians try to annex Federation territories. This leads to war. The Klingons enjoy fighting glorious battles. This also leads to war. The evil Dominion wants to take over. War. Everyone joins the war. Billions of people die. The war ends.

There was also a plot arc dealing with the serious subject of caffeine addiction. In one notable episode, entitled "Sisko Goes Cold Turkey," all the raktajino on the station is drunk by the Pah Wraiths. Sisko goes into deep withdrawal until replenishments can be provided by Star Fleet Command.

On one occasion, Sisko finally did manage to successfully break his addiction to space-coffee, only to discover that Deep Space Nine was a figment of his own space-coffee-fuelled hallucinations, and he was a penniless writer living entirely on baked beans and punches to the face from passing policemen. Unable to cope with the realisation that he was, in fact, a truly terrible writer, and the reason he was poor was because the best he could come up with was some half-assessed nonsense about a space-station (which was so appallingly badly-written and hackneyed that it caused any books it appeared in to be burnt with pure, cleansing fire), he retreated back into his space-coffee-hallucinations, never to venture back into the frightening world of reality again. Much like TV producers.

Interestingly enough, that whole realization episode was later ripped off by Joss Whedon and the raging band of homo misfits (aren't they all, though?) who we all lovingly refer to as the scooby gang (another rip-off). The episode was shockingly titled, "Buffy Goes Cold Turkey" (but to be fair, who really watches Buffy?). In the Final episode, the Dominion War ends, Sisko becomes an omnipotent being, and the DS9 crew finally learn why they shouldn't have placed the Space station beside a wormhole.

Also, Bashir would occasionally strut around the station, get kidnapped, and/or get embroiled in conspiracies about oil and date prices. The show had to have some plot.

The Deep Space Nine crew meet their doom in the final episode to the comet that is always in the opening credits.

The Writers[edit]

Tired of dealing with the writers' strikes that arose during previous Star Trek series, the network opted to kidnap a group of forty used car salesman from Kansas. These men were held in a bunker several hundred meters below the Earth's surface, where they were force-fed hallucinogenic mushrooms and whipped by large black men in tights (who were themselves punished by the White Man if their whipping became half-hearted). Under these harsh and rather extreme conditions, the writers produced gimmicky episodes like "One Little Ship," in which the warship Defiant, along with its crew, shrinks. In this episode, Rick Moranis guest starred as Captain Szalinski.

Writer Ron Moore would later go on to write the worst piece of 'critical fiction' that HBO ever lynched, Carnivale, which over 2 million idiots with a bend for thinking obsessively researched for the duration of it's run.

Typical Dialogue[edit]

Sisko: I don't really want to be the Emissary.
Almost Ensign Ro: Too bad, captain.
Sisko: Oh. Well. Woo!
Almost Ensign Ro: Did you just say "Woo"?
Sisko: Yeah...it's what I do, 'cause I'm black. Woo!

(It should be noted that the word "Woo!" has since been patented by "rapper" and actor Will Smith for exclusive and exhaustive use in all his rap tracks.)

Typical Irish Man: You're so arrogant, Typical English Man with genetic enhancements.
Typical English Man: I can't help it. I'm a doctor, not a holy man. Let's get drunk.
Typical Irish Man: But my wife wants me at home.
Typical English Man: Yeah, but you like me more than you like your wife. If we weren't so 
                     typically Irish and English, we'd give into our passions and have gay sex.
Typical Irish Man: No, we wouldn't.
Typical English Man: Oh. Of course not. Let's get drunk.
Odo: I'm watching you, Quark.
Quark: I'm trafficking stolen goods.
Odo: You should tread carefully.
Quark: I laced all the synthehol with arsenic. I have a lethal weapon hidden in my ear.
Odo: One day, I'll catch you and get you to confess.
Quark: I raped, killed and dismembered a dabo girl. 
Odo: I can't wait 'til that day. I'll throw you in a holding cell.
Quark: Yeah, whatever.
Bajoran religious leader: Whatever you do, it was stupid, and totally against the Prophets.
Sisko: The same Prophets who picked me as their Emissary to you bumpy-nosed people?
Bajoran religious leader: You think that just because the Prophets picked you, you're higher ranking than me?
Sisko: ....? Well...yeah?
Bajoran religious leader: STFU! I'll just go off and stir religious hatred.
Grady: I'm invisible! Woosh! (Past Tense, Part II)
Chief O'Brian: Moidered?! (Every episode where the Chief has plot driven dialogue)
Chief O'Brian (to offspring with Keiko "Free Willy" O'Brian):  You're Scotch-Korean!  You don't make a lick of sense!
Quark: Rom, you imbecile!

Place in the Star Trek canon[edit]

Everyone knows that Star Trek is a religion. As the younger brother of Star Trek: The Next Generation, what valuable lessons can DS9 teach the fanatical believer?

  • Thou shalt not sleep with a Trill or a shapeshifter, lest it break your heart.
  • Beware the fallen whose skin flakes away, for he is a leper and should be taken to a priest. Beware the fallen whose knees bend backwards, for he is a leper and should be taken to a priest. Beware the fallen whose belt melts under puss, for his name is Odo and should be taken to a priest.
  • Even omnipotent beings can be autistic.
  • Q didn't like the space station as he only visited it once, his wearing a white pillow case with the eyes cut out didn't go down too well.
  • Morn is awesome.
  • The sexiest chick wears blue.
  • Bashir in his racquetball outfit brings all the boys to the yard.
  • Practically all of the lesbianism in the entire Star Trek universe occurs in this series.

See Also[edit]