Star Trek: Enterprise

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Not shown: Season 5

“This isn't all that great.”

~ Captain Understatement on Enterprise

Star Trek: Enterprise, also known as "Star Trek: I Didn't Watch It Either" or "Total Bullshit with Horrible Actors Playing Stereotypes" or even just "Hillbillies in Space", was a softcore porn television show chronicling the true events of the first crew of the USS Enterprise under its first captain, Jonathan Archer and featuring shamelessly futile attempts at trying to boost ratings with obligatory sexual themes like body oil and other boring shit. Enterprise had many clear contradictions with the rest of the Star Trek series, thus causing all the previously released shows to be considered non-canon and negating hundreds of years of future history.


The original TV shows were not always wrong. History itself had changed when Dr. Sam Beckett from The Future unwittingly performed a Quantum Leap into the body of Captain Archer. He never figured out how to leap out again, and so spent the rest of his days as captain of the Enterprise, changing history left and right (It is speculated that all he had to do was sign a birthday card to Commander T'Pol). Thus, Star Trek: Enterprise is currently the only television show ever that is completely true to history(if you agree with the idea of a temporal flux stasis in which a TV series can be located while the warp neural interface is cooling the wait...heat generators to perform...something..oh, wtf...).

Fan Response[edit]

Picard was not a fan....

Response to the series has been varied. It has been most widely praised by snotty intellectual types, glad to see historical accurateness in television. "I can only hope other TV producers will follow suit," says University Dean Al Gore. "It pains me to see, for example, that Elmo of Sesame Street is still not depicted as the genocidal terrorist he actually was."

Many loyal Star Trek fans, however, are angry at the idea that some of their favorite adventures with Captain Kirk never happened. "I still remember the time Kirk seduced those voluptuous green women," one nerd was heard to exclaim on hearing the news. "I fall to sleep every night with the image in my head. Don't you DARE try to tell me it didn't happen!"

Amateur Leaps[edit]

Other fans, however, have seen this as an opportunity to make their fan fictions become part of Star Trek canon. Some have simply tried mailing their works to Dr. Beckett, hoping that when he leaps to the Enterprise he will see them through. Dr. Beckett, at the present time, is only 7 months old, so at this point he usually just chews on the papers given to him.

Others have attempted to make their own Quantum Leaps, to change the timeline to include their fan fiction. So far, nobody has been able to leap far enough back. The farthest anyone has leapt back in time so far was to the Colonial Age, into the body of a chicken. It has been suggested that this is why chicken eggs are so darn tasty nowadays.

Changes to the Timeline[edit]

The events of Star Trek: Enterprise left many staggering alterations in the Star Trek timeline. These are the major changes we are currently aware of:

  • Archer's beagle somehow lives to be over 80 years old, only to die in a transporter mishap.
  • The Animated Series becomes canon.
  • Although his sexual exploits were still large in number, Captain Kirk married at a young age, and was often heard to say, "I'm gonna hear about this from the missus when I get home tonight."
  • Mr. Spock regularly wore a goatee, while his alternate universe counterpart had a mohawk and wore a monocle.
  • Dr.McCoy was completely erased from history, his role being replaced by the bumbling castaway Gilligan.
  • The Enterprise's Mission Statement was amended to include, "To throw bitchin' parties."
  • The Klingon language became a slightly more advanced form of Pig Latin.
  • Red shirts find that more often than not they survive away missions. Lieutenant Leslie however, was killed in the first episode by Gary Mitchell.
  • Kirk's record for longest interval between two words in the same sentence has been shortened from 3 hours to a mere 42 minutes.
  • Half the crew was Denobulan (whatever they are).
  • Instead of mating once every seven years, Vulcans now are "like total sluts, man!"
  • Commander Tucker was not killed in 2161, instead he was thrown back in time to face off with Jack Bauer.
  • The same technology is almost always used, but with a different name every 20 years.
  • Janeway is captain of the USS Enterprise NCC-1701D
  • Jean-Luc Picard is commander of the space station Deep Space Nine While sisko was his first officer.
  • Riker in fact did become captain and was on the USS Lollypop, referenced in the Star Trek: National Public Radio episode "All Things Considered".
  • Worf wears a red shirt instead of a yellow one and was transferred to Engineering instead of Security where he regularly beats on the warp drive with a Bat'leth in efforts to try and fix it.
  • Gerodi LaForge was put in charge of security, but spends most of his time tweaking the security computers in efforts to get them working better that security became very lax on the Enterprise and enemies often sneak aboard and sabotage and steal stuff.
  • Tasha Yar didn't die but wears a blue shirt and became the science officer and had affairs with Captain Janeway in order to get that promotion.
  • Commander Data was reassigned to be the head chef in the galley of the Enterprise and when he found his emotion chip it wasn't destroyed but got stuck in his head and turned him into an Emo Android, played by Robert Forester.
  • Seska's baby is Chakotay's after all. Seska's baby is also Chakotay's father. Time travel gives Janeway a headache, and everyone else.
  • Sulu ended up not being gay after all, instead Checkov was the token gay officer on the ship.
  • Q found that he had more fun messing with the Klingons instead of the Federation.
  • The Cardassian conquered Tellara instead of Bajor, for their sweet, sweet bacon.
  • The Federation is no longer Communist but Capitalist with gold pressed latnium as currency. Before the Federation didn't even use money, now all Starfleet officers are paid a salary and get their own fair share of the loot from invasions in times of war.
  • The Ferengi became Communists instead of Capitalists, Quark runs a non-profit organization instead of a bar on Deep Space Nine that gives money to the poor and helps out the Bajorans with social programs. All the while secretly plotting to overthrow the greedy capitalist pigs in the Federation.
  • O'Brien is a counselor, who regularly gets drunk with his patients at Rom's.
  • Odo is a fascist shapeshifter sheriff, no change there except he is now three times as mean and corrupt as he was before.
  • Bashir gets it on with Garak instead of Ezri. In this case, an improvement... for Ezri.
  • The Mirror Universe people are actually extremely friendly: they love puppies and kittens, donate to charity and give blood often. We're just seeing them on bad days and everything is being taken totally out of context.
  • The United Federation of Planets mascot was retro'd to be a duckbilled platypus. The UFP theme was changed to "We're Not Gonna Take It" performed spoken-word by William Shatner (no relation to William Shatner).
  • Dr Beverly Crusher, impressed with the full head of hair sported by Captain Jean Luc Picard, married him instead of Jack Crusher and gave birth to a daughter who took after her mother for dancing and her father for classical music and became a ballerina.
  • Dukat, instead of becoming a wannabe Anti-Christ, runs an animal shelter for fight-voles on Bajor.
  • Romulans are the considered the new age hippies of the galaxy.
  • T'Pol and Trip get married, and they have 6 children.

Changes occurring later in the timeline are still being researched.

Quotes from the show[edit]

  • "YEEE HAWWWW!"--Commander "Trip" Tucker every odd numbered episode.
  • "Now, who are these fellers?"--Commander "Trip" Tucker upon meeting a race of aliens from the one of the earlier Star Trek franchises.
  • "Git r dun!"--Again, Commander "Trip" Tucker while at Wally World.
  • "As with every scientist and philosopher in the Galaxy, the Vulcan Science Academy says that time travel is impossible, Captain. Anybody who believes in it is full of crap, sir"--T'Pol
  • "It's called a 'tribble'. I use them to feed my Arcturan moon-bats, but you and nobody in StarFleet will remember seeing one for 100 years."--Phlox
  • "We're gonna get those terrorists. now watch this drive!" --Comander "Trip" Tucker.
  • "This is the Captain speaking. Starfleet has issued a new dresscode. No female officers may use clothes while the captain is alive."--Archer, after peepwatching on T'Pol in the shower.
  • "Now let's forget this ever happened and act totally surprised when we meet them again in 200 years." --Archer, after his encounter with the Borg.
  • "Time travel has determined that the Vulcan Science Directorate is impossible. (snort!)" --T'Pol, on crack.
  • "Captain Jonny sucks DICK!" --Porthos, a phrase he now repeats instead of barking after Flox taught him how to talk. Archer just keeps feeding him cheese now to shut him up. Tucker could not be reached for comment.
  • I need my cell phone, because Scooby Doo wants me to dognap him.-Trip, to T'Pol, after they win the biggest food fight on the Enterprise.

See Also[edit]

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