Star Trek: Series Guide
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Over the 300 year span of the entire canon of Star Trek there have been a few episodes of note:
- The Cage - pilot episode. Captain Christopher Pike and his science officer Spock are captured by alien head-throbbers, to be used for breeding. But nothing happens. Because it's Captain Christopher Pike - not Captain James T. Kirk.
- Space Nazis. Kirk et al beam down to a planet where everyone and everything is Nazi. They enjoy a beer, some sausage, and a few laughs whilst trying to ignore all the annoying death camps.
- Out Brief Candle Some crew member shows up for just one episode, does something interesting, and is never, ever seen, or acknowledged again.
- The Trouble With Toupees. "Someone" on the Enterprise is suspected of wearing a syrup. Interfering Commodore Pet is brought on board, and the poking-with-a-stick begins.
- The Dragon in the Dark. On the mining colony Janus 6, the miners are being menaced by a fire-breathing dragon. Spock discovers it to be Tabitha from Zoologist Gerald Durrell's fantasy book "The Talking Parcel", hiding away so the evil cockatrices don't steal her eggs again. Spock sits on them, and hatches them for her. Kirk gets slapped with a paternity suite.
- Spock's Bone. Spock gets a bone and needs to get to his home planet to have it hit with a wooden spoon by the high priestess. However, before they get to Vulcan, the rest of the crew start sporting bones. Uhura eventually has to administer a mass spoon beat-down. In order to prevent him from mating with a female, Kirk encourages Spock to knock the crud out of him, drag him around, and subject him to asphyxiation. Later, in gratitude, Spock jumps on him and licks his face. Pikachu makes a cameo appearance in this episode.
Star Trek: The Animated Series
- Since the series was such a miserable failure that it is not even of note, none of the episodes are of note either.
- Except the one where James T. Kirk didn't appear. That was just strange.
- And the one where Spock caries a purse, and commits child abduction to himself and kills his dog! (WT...?!)
- Okay... the one where all the women become butch.
- And... alright, the one where Kirk has a long dry spell, and gets so desperate that he tries to make out with a big, giant, talking cat.
- And then, a dinosaur sits on Dr. McCoy's face ...?
- Come to think of it, they all seem sorta strange, when you try to think back... It was the 1970s, people!!! Everything was real weird back then because our new alien masters had just emerged from their subterranean bases, and the "false memories" were only beginning to be planted in our minds through the municipal water supplies, so they hadn't completely formulated yet! ... Remember?! ... For Heaven's sake, people, AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN REMEMBER WHAT THEY WERE DOING TO US BACK IN THE 70s???!!! Please, someone? ... ANYONE?! There must have been someone else out there who had a private well???!!!
Star Trek: The Next Generation
- Any episode that did not feature the Counselor, unless she was in proper Star Fleet uniform, and Captain Picard is wearing a miniskirt.
- The episode where Captain Picard and Data make out after being tricked by Q.
- All episodes where Captain Picard and Data make out, for no apparent reason.
- The episode where Riker and Troi have sex, but don't tell anyone about it. (This isn't the first time!)
- The episode where Riker and Worf make out, but Troi is not the least bit surprised.
- Any episode, in which Worf is NOT fighting for his honor.
- Any episode "without" Wesley Crusher in it.
- In the episode Foreskin of Evil, Picard takes it like a man when Tasha Yar gives to him with a Ferengi strap-on.
- To atone for her sins in the previous episode, Lt. Yar is "killed off" by an evil creature composed of a galactic bong water, that had been carelessly discarded by another species, and no one is the least bit surprised.
Star Trek: Deep Six Space, Seven Of Nine
This series was based on Australian soap operas.
- Episodes with Klingon porn in them were good; well worth setting the VCR for.
- There was an episode that entirely took place in a holosuite sex program.
- Lt. Uhura was brought into the series repeatedly for sex by such means as time travel, holosuite, cloning, dream sequence, dimensional rift, continental drift, alternate universes, and massive plot holes.
- There was a contining episode that had sex with itself, over and over, in a holosuite sex program. Wesley Crusher had locked it in a loop pattern buffer. The program burned itself out as Wesley was simultaneously vomited out in a sea of raped tribbles and Ferengi ejaculate.
- Series Finale: As a result of the previous continuing episode, Wesley had created a glory hole rift in the space-time continuum where Federation space was continually violated. This episode was also the pilot episode of an entirely new series:
Star Trek: Enterprises Pty Ltd
- This popular reality series featured host Donald Trump, who coined the phrase "You're assimilated".
Star Trek: Voyager
- The Caretaker - pilot episode. A galactic janitor sweeps the entire crew of Voyager into the delta quadrant.
- Any episode that involved a combination of Seven of Nine, the Captain Janeway or Kes drinking from the furry cup. There were a few episodes where all three were at it.
- In the episode Internal Flux, Neelix prepares a funky cheese in the back of the kitchen that gives the ship's bio-neural gel packs a nasty yeast infection. Tuvok trys to purge the infestation using a Klingon power tool that he finds in engineering. The next day Kes examines Lt. Torres in sick bay for strangely inflamed lesions.
Star Trek: The Empire Strikes Back
- The crew of the Enterprise ride wild Klingons about an icy landscape until their toes get frostbite and fall off.
Star Trek: Enterprise
- There were no notable episodes in the whole four seasons of this show.
- Having gone so far ahead into the future in all the previous series, there was nothing left to do but go backward. They brought in this guy from another show which also sucked. All this guy did was grumble about the rattle in the deck plating and play with his dog. At this point in the space-time continuum, marriage with animals was an acceptable practice. The warp engines were so pitifully slow that the ship only traveled the distance that Kirk covered in one episode of Scotty farting into the warp core. After an unsuccessful season or two, the producers decided it would be in the best interest of the show to create a war to boost ratings, but by that time it was too late and even 500 foot Jesus couldn't have saved it.
- There was one interesting thing, that being a Vulcan female drafted from the Vulcan Porno Directorate. Her name should've been T'its, but infortunatly, it was T'Pol, otherwise known as Tentpole. Seriously, dude, what guy wants to have sex with a pole???
Star Trek: The Unoriginal Series
- Based on the movie Star Trek XI, this series features the crew of the bastardised reimagined Starship Enterprise with feelings and shit! E-W-W-W-U!!! Each episode features Spock using logic and reason to feel up Lt. Uwhoreu's turbolift, while slash fans down in the audience scream, "B-O-O-O!!!", and make lots of rude, angry hissy noises.
Star Trek: Return of the Khan
- The one where Scotty eats the raw fish is pretty tasty
Star Trek: The Search For Spock
- Conducted on a Dell Inspiron 1000, using dial-up. (Still in progress...)
Star Trek: Ecstasy Wars
- Q gives everyone on board "happy pills" from the Q Continuum. This causes massive digestive problems and everyone on board explodes.
- Data has his first orgasm.
- The Borg Queen gives Locutus a nice blowjob.
Star Trek: The Vagina Monologues
- Captain Picard finds that James T. Kirk (who was presumed dead) has actually been caught up in a mysterious belt where time has stopped (Iowa). Kirk had been babbling to himself in a Shatneresque monologue about his sexual conquests and his "space junk" for nearly a century. Picard begs Kirk to come back and help him in the future. Kirk agrees only after they both stay to have sex with some green women for an additional year. That-year... turns-into... another-decade... because-Kirk-can't... stop... talking-about-them... and... their-wonderful-attributes... while-making... inappropriate... pauses... and... running-words-together... for-no... apparent-reason...