Star Wars: Neverwinter Nights

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“More Star Wars games, more bucks for it. The world was built in 7 days, we will build these two in 6 days.”

~ Look It's Art on these two masterpieces of gaming

Star Wars: Neverwinter Nights is yet another computer gaming masterpiece brought to you by BioWare. This d20-based game, produced with a retouched version of the Aurora engine is a marvelous example of BioWare's ability to nicely recycle classic ideas, giving you a settling impression of the old, familiar, award-winning storyline set within a temporally rewinded version of the Star Wars galaxy.

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The game[edit]

Overview[edit]

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Darth Tamia?

Star Wars: Neverwinter Nights was released in 26 ABY. Prior to the release, it was given a promotional title Knights of the Old Republic, but later it was recycled as too generic, like, say, Resurrection of Evil. Or A New Hope. And people say BioWare doesn't care about cliches.

The graphic engine underwent a serious facelifting since BioWare's previous title, Neverwinter Nights: Forgotten Realms is a Too Generic Title. For example, all the race fields for orcs, dwarves and other things that aren't usually found in Star Wars were speedily commented out and replaced with only two fields, "Human" and "Droid". Therefore, BioWare offended national minorities by putting the human tag on those colored people with twin tendrils off head. Strangely, it hasn't yet been sued. The subrace and deity fields were hidden in the character creation dialog, and the processor resources that became available as they no longer needed to treat these fields were used to improve graphical quality.

The result was a graphic system that could render two square rooms at once, instead of just one, and could show fights performed with two-polygon lightsaber blades (although usually the opponents just kick each other, dealing lightsaber-grade damage). This was so astounding that the game was selected as a lifetime game of the year, until it was outmatched in 2004 by some first-person shooter where the main character is a scientist in glasses. Some things never change...

Plot summary[edit]

[Force Persuade] The storyline is very original, carefully developed and free of any plot holes.

[Success] Truth speakest thou.

Now, to the plot summary. You play as Darth Rev...

[Force Persuade] Ahem. You will forget what I just said and undergo a memory wipe. Okay, you play as a Republic soldier who has recently undergone a memory wipe. You awaken on a Republic ship (very futuristic-looking for 4,000 years before the movies) and immediately crash on a planet that for some reason closely resembles Coruscant. Well, almost immediately, if we don't count the unskippable prologue where another Republic soldier teaches you how to use the mouse to move yourself.

After a whole 12 minutes of torture, Bastila pledges herself to the service of the newfound Conqueror of the Galaxy, the jawless Captain Picard.

After that, you embark on a mission to rescue a Jedi damsel in distress. When you are about to free her, she frees herself, identifies you as Force-sensitive and takes you to Padania / Dantooine, where four Jeedai of three different species (smelling like a rip-off from Yoda, one of them is) train you as an amateur Jeedai, give amateur Jeedai for companions and entrust a dangerous mission of Saving the Galaxy from an Evil Overlord, your former appre— Ahem, never mind.

Along the way, you, as the least emotionally unstable character (even though you are former Sith...[Force Choke]..gak..) you will often be called upon to settle numerous family squabbles including reconciling Carth with his delinquent Sith son, convincing Mission that her brother is a loser, and playing psychoanalyst to your spoilt girlfriend's mother issues. All this serves to make your eventual redemption to the lightside all the more baffling.

Unfortunately, I'm running out of time, so I'll just provide you with the essentials. You fall in love with the damsel in distress, the overlord kidnaps and, after seconds of unrelenting torment, corrupts her. But the power of love triumphs, she returns from the dark side, the overlord is defeated. Cutscene plays, credits roll. Ah, even if you kill your love she will still be on the ship returning to the unknown world. Mystery of the Force, of course.

Well... of course, that's not all. Meeting an Ancient Civilization far more powerful than yours (in total disregard of established Star Wars canon... luckily, George cares only about bucks) is also inevitable. Apparently they didn't use such a plot twist earlier. And people say BioWare is not original.

Characters[edit]

Okay, now it has been established that you're Rev— I mean, you're ready to read the rest of the article. [Persuade] This article is good, really.

The relationship between the two Jeedai was not the most transparent one.
  • Aribeth de Tylmarande Vima Sunrider Sareth Dorn Bastilla Bastila Shan Busty Basty female sheppard sexy bitch requisite piece of ass Darth Fellatia Spoilt Princess - Your average sexual fantasy (unless you're a fanfic writer, in which case you are of the same gender as Bastila and will write about your character romancing Carth...unless you are lesbian, of course). After trying several names, the developers finally settled on stealing the name from the cat-woman, who's not the fan favorite anyway. Constantly wins each and every poll related to party members, even if females are not invited to the party in question.
  • Trask Ulgo Redshirt - Received the "Best Character with Less Than 5 Minutes to Live" award at War Academy. Saves the plot-critical Republic soldier by explaining what a cursor is and how to open the footlocker by clicking on it. Heroically sacrificed himself by deciding not to wait 5 seconds for the door to close. Famous last words: "Now, there's only one thing to know to be able to kill Darth Malak--hang on a sec...ARRGGHH!"
  • Carth Onasi Barf Nazi Kaidan Captain Emo - The love interest for those whose gender (or moral principles, or inclination) doesn't allow them to romance Bastila. And he doesn't even kiss you. This is why he is deemed as a boring character, despite having a beard. If you're playing as a man he won't say he loves you, but you can see it in his eyes. He commits suicide half-way through the game because he finds out his son is a Sith.
  • HK-47 Bender - A robot who killed the majority of his former masters, including one by electrocution after he was stabbed with a dull pencil. Much later, he was used by George W. Bush to kill off political opponents and ensure his success before he dissolved congress in 2008 ABY.

"Statement: Mission accomplished..er..AHHHH!!"

  • Other Party Members Useful Idiots - Insignificant to the story because you can't romance either of them. Include a Twi'lek girl with a non-Twi'lekish name, a cat-woman, a Wise Old Man™, a Wookiee and a couple'a droids shamelessly copied from r2d2 and... that other droid. Although his ancient counterpart is a bit more aggressive. See? BioWare promotes violence and must be sued!

[Force Persuade] The unperson who said that BioWare must be sued never existed and is a fabrication perpetrated by the Sith. Memories of him shall be corrected doubleplusgoodwise by the Jeedai Council.

  • Darth Malak Darth Vader's distant uncle Darth Ma'fucka Jawless Captain Picard - Yessss! Destroy every planet! The force is insignificant next to the ability to destroy a planet! What? No! It cannot be! Revan leveled up! NOOOOOO!!!!!!
  • Calo Nord aka the Unkillable Bouunty Hunter(TM) - One of Davik's midget sex slaves. A short character who tries to kill you and spontaneously blows up while you attempt to leave Taris. He is resurrected by magic and uses plot holes to live. He attacks you later with more power-ups; it's your job to kick his ass all over again. Even then, he doesn't treally die; he resurrects as the stereotypical mercenary that hunts the hero in every fantasy story ever written.
  • Vandar Tokare Cloned Yoda - Tell you that you once were Revan, I can't. Fall to the Dark Side again, you could. If your face was melting, trust you I would, anyway. Uh oh... say 'Revan', did I?
  • Vrook Lamar Crook "Ed Asner" LayMur - You killed all those farmers! You're going towards the Dark Side! Sigh... We hope you can kill your former apprentice too...oops, I said that. Anyway, I see you insist in wandering in the halls. This proves that my sight is good.
  • Dorak Crystal Hawker - What color will you choose for your battlestick? Blue, yellow, green... sorry, we are out of Mace's color. Red is not allowed. But if you want, there is a cave with a buttload of red crystals not far from here, eh. Now gather 'round and hear the the story of how you...I mean Revan became a Sith and learned to make a cape out of strips of linoleum. Revan's tale shows us how even the nicest people can turn into assholes if given the silent treatment long enough.
  • Zhar Lestin Purple Wormhead Purple Lesbian Wormhead - Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, I trained Picard and you... errrrr! EHM! EHM! As i was saying, you will be retrained... EHMMM!! Will be trained by me, again. NO, NOT AGAIN! It's the first time, I swear.
  • Juhani Cat Woman - I VILL BE YOUR DOOOOM! In Soviet Cathar, lesbian like YOU. Sorry, I only like lezzies. You see, I thought I killed my master when we were having a little lesbian S&M session, but it turned out I didn't. I was foolish to think so. Please, beat me.
  • Mission Blue Wormhead - Hey, I'm a good slicer, and my biggy friend here is my personal carpet. DON'T CALL ME A CHILD, I'm 14 (fourteeeen!) years old. For Twi'leks, that the age of consent! Hell, yeah, I like older men Barf Nazi! Whaddaya mean my brother didn't raise me right? I want to be treated like an adult! Give me those stims, Candy!
  • Jolee Bindo Wise Old Man - I did it all for the cookies. The cookies? The cookies! Don't you like cookies? What about cookies with milk? So what if I look like Mace Windu's grandpa?
  • Canderous Ordo Candyass Mofo Candy Mandy - I'm extremely buffed up. I love the smell of beer mingled with the stench of gunfire and blood. There's nothing like seeing a green recruit fall dead at your feet. There is honor in killing random people while high on "stimulants". I have a plan to escape this place, and join you people. Who doesn't want a psychopathic mercenary to hang around?
  • T3-M4 Trash Compactor - Beep beeep bop bip bup! WEEEEE BRZAP!
  • Zelka Forn Selkath Porn - My charming eyes will cure you from any disease. *wink*
  • Darth Bandon Darth N00b - At last I am here. At last I will kill you. At last I will die. D'OH!
  • Taris Duel Ring Commentator Resident Evil 4 Merchant with terminal laughter illness - Here we have the Mysterious Rev- i mean, STRANGAH, who is going to fight Bendak Asskiller. I love my wives so much... if any of them we're still aliiiive HA HA HA!
  • Rakatan Hammerheads - Hello Revan! Oops... Wait, you already know? Who told you? NO! That cannot be! Our race has been pwned by AIDS, we have 'BIG' Rancors, we 'BREED' them. Hmmm, maybe that was the cause of the plague. Oh well. Do not betray us Revan... hah I said Revan. Do not interrupt the ritual because the special effects that come after it will look corny. NO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE! Star Forge. Star Forge. Plague. Star Map. AIDS.
  • Saul Karath Picard's Kinrath Bitch Haha we have bombarded Dantooine, but resisted the urge to destroy Aldaraan, huh wait? The Jeedai Council is on Alderaan? YOU LIE! Carth! Come closer... your wife was great in bed. Haha. Now I die, search my body once I'm dead, you will find a nice shield and 'pistol'... mmm yes *slaps ass*.
  • Any Selkath Fish - We are the law. Prepare to be judged. And you have some eels in your hovercraft. Gbbllfdertgdaert. STHHHHHHHHHHRHUHGHHH. Our God is a whale.
  • Any Dark Jeedai Sith wannabe - ...Picard was most displeased when he discovered he lost his hair...
  • Any Twi'lek Wormhead - Mucha shaka paka! Keepuna! Bona-na-kichu! Ka-che-sta mikieeeee! Eeeggyyy Beegggyyyy Bo-Bo! Achutaaaa! Tong-kee! (repeat ad nauseam)


The in-game dialogs are really well done:

Spoilt Princess : "The fate of the galaxy depends on your ability to read these maps!"
Revan : "But where is the Overlord?"
Spoilt Princess : "When we find the Star Fork, we find the Evil Overloved!"

  • 1: "The council wants to speak to you, Rev... ehm, "Apprentice"."
  • 2: "Here we have: Master Vrook a.k.a "Devil's Advocate", Master Tsar, Master Vandar "Yoda Clone", and Master Dorak, who has a strange habit of writing down everything each of us says and does. You are very strong, in the ph0rc3. You know, adults aren't commonly trained here, but we train you because we need you. Yes, we need you. Because you..."
  • 3: "STFU, idiot!"
  • 2: "Calm down, Vrook!"
  • 3: "STFU, i said!"
  • 2: "Oh, man, I need cocktail. You there... ehm... Rev--... oh, crud."
  • 1: "Inàf. Let's go, Rev... guy, we can go to the Tamale estate to steal something. Just to do something before Picard starts bombing."


Candy Mandy: You see Captain Emo, we Candylorians are warriors. We live to fight. We love risking our lives in ultra-violent battles. VIOLENCE! Hahahaha.... mmmm. I'm sure, as a warrior, you understand.

Captain Emo: I'm a soldier, not a warrior. Soldiers defend the weak against warriors. That's why we are so wonderful and all the chicks love us.

Candy Mandy: Yeah, right. I bet you tell yourself that every night as you pump up your inflatable Bastila.

Captain Emo: Wait, how did you find out about that?

What Really Happened With Trask Ulgo[edit]

In the first 5 minutes of the game, Trask Ulgo is seemingly killed by Darth Malaks apprentice, Darth Bandon. That isn't what really happened... Unbeknown to Revan, Trask had actually survived the Endar Spire, having killed Darth Bandon, gutter him and duct-taped his skin on himself. For this long time he has been training to confront Revan as Bandon to seek revenge for him having left him. He trained long and hard (that's what she said) with the prospect of eating many pancakes and eggs. Trask loved pancakes and eggs. Seriously. Oh and he hates it when people try to steal his grass (like British people). I mean seriously he hates it. Trask Ulgo is also the greatest character in Star Wars lore ever. I mean seriously, he's awesome. But what few people know is that he also wuz fone. So Trask is wit ur huny, and there makin out, and den teh fone rings and it sehs "wut chu doin wit mah dawter" and then ur huney sehs "my dad is ded." THEN WHO WUZ FONE?! It was Trask Ulgo. Obviously. Anways, I'm starting to Ramble.(Ramblin' Man) GAMBLE! (Gamblin' Man!) Anyways, when Trask found out that Revan was going to Manaan/Tatooine/Kashyyyk/Korriban/Canada, he went there. Soon, Revan arrived and FIRED HIS LAZER. This proves, once and for all, that Trask Ulgo wuz fone, because he was obviously with Revan's huny. Along with his companions, Revan bested Malak's apprentice(AKA Trask), killing him as well as a pair of accompanying Dark Jeedai...or not. Trask survived this killing against all odds, and went on to become one of the most powerful Jeedai to have ever lived. He was solely responsible for the death of 713 Galactic senators and an untold number (rumored to be in the thousands) of Gungans. In fact, he later founded a Gungan hunting lodge on the planet of Tatooine, where he still lives today. He occasionally makes public appearences, though these are becoming increasingly rare.

Locations[edit]

Throughout your epic and original quest to find the missing pieces of a map, you visit the following planets:

  • Padania
  • Tatooine
  • Kashyyyk
  • Sword Coast
  • Vulcan
  • Erberius
  • Sleheyron
  • A brand new planet, an exciting addition to the Star Wars saga, a cunning experience for players and a major breach for BioWare, with the most dynamic gameplay ever devised! We proudly present you... Manaan, the Lawyer's Paradise!
  • Rakata Deluxe Resorts
  • Some clone of Wikipedia Station

Of course, the small galaxy syndrome is included. BioWare cares about its customers - land on a random spot on the first planet and find all the missing relatives for your party members!

The sequel[edit]

Bastila takes some PR lessons to be less spoilt.

Due to the game being amazingly successful, ensuring BioWare's profitability for decades to come, the company decided not to mess with a sequel. We're speaking about Star Wars: Planescape: Torment, produced by the same people who brought you that commercial flop with undead amnesiacs and flying corpses. In order to produce the game, Feargustave Orcheart had to fetch more than 2000 coffee cups to his friends per day and also had to reduce the daily dose of porn films from 12 to 6 hours.

[Force Persuade] The sequel is a bad game. You will give it a 0/10 in your review. Now go ahead and write a review undermining Lucasarts.

Plot summary[edit]

You begin as some nameless person on the asteroid station of Paraguay. There, the Arabs who mine the oil from the asteroid have all been killed by a rehashed character from the first game. You meet with Darth Traya The Old Woman Named Kreia and a young Harrison Ford. Eventually, a ship rehashed from the first game docks with the station, and the player will have to board it to recover the roadmap from the glove compartment. Once you have this, The Old Woman Named Kreia will have her hand chopped off in the name of tradition. No doubt she has a bad feeling about it. Then the player will reach the Ebon Crock with Harrison Ford and this mobile toilet bowl. Also, The Old Woman Named Kreia will appear on the ship somehow. The player then travels to Tea-Loss, a stupid, awful planet that Captain Picard sensibly bombed. After much nonsense, the player meets some dude who looks like Darth Maul only nice, and he takes the player to see Santa The Light Lady of the Jeedai at the North Pole. She bitches for a while, until the player leaves to find and talk to or kill three Jeedai. At this point, the player has a choice: Waste more time on this crap, or do something productive.

[Force Persuade]

Anyways, the player can then go to: Duderon, and it's neighboring moon of Suckin', Nerd Shadow, Patooien, Corebonbon, and SaladShore.

Duderon : Ha, you can't go there yet! The player is shot down by some dude, and lands on Suckin', where the Candyglorian's train for things. Here the player meets MC Ordo, who killed the Robocop and stole his armor. He takes the player to Duderon and then they leave again after stirring the people to Civil War just to save a bald doctor. They come back later and side with either Queen Tail or General Fuck-you and talk with/kill one Jeedai.

Shadow Nerd : Here the player meets a whole host of jerks looking to kill him/her. Eventually, with the help of either some red-headed babe or an overgrown and insane terrier, the player enters the alien drug-bar and kills everybody. (If dark-sided. If light-sided, kills everybody and apologizes.) Then the player Goto hell.

Patooien : This place is pathetic. The player enters the Jeedai enclave, finds a blond woodchuck, goes to cave full of spiders, finds the Jeedai. fights in some battle at a place called Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda, and leaves. (Thank God.)

Corebonbon : Oh, hell, it doesn't even matter at this point. This is such a lousy game I can't wait for it to end. What is this damned sealed door? I can't open it? What, I used the bombs to open a box of cereal? Where is that stupid Jeedai? Oh God, she's dead? What I come here for? Oh, it's Lord What's-his-name! Oh, god I hate this place! I gonna hide in this cave. I can't go in the sumbitchin' cave because I'm neutral. Fine! Just fine! I'll register as a Democrat. (Dark Side points gained.)

Saladshore : The final planet that you abliterated sometime before the game, the reason you were exiled! Time to right the wrongs or be an asshole and wrong the wrongs even more! Well, after you lose half your health in every battle, you raid a Sith academy and own everybody in there! Then you kill that Zombie Lord thats been trying to molest you the whole game! After you kill him 3 times, because hes a Zombie, you go into the core and kill the old lady! Now you can be nice, turn her to the light side, then throw her off the edge, or if you're a jerk lob her off the edge without turning her to the lightside! Decisions, decsions! Then you ship flys out of Hell and saves you, or if your darkside, you rule the dead bodies in the academy for ever more!

Endgame sequence: A message from Obsidian that says: We only had five minutes to finish the game so we decided to slap together this piece if shit endgame sequence.

The development[edit]

Given a realistically huge development deadline of 12 days, Obsidian EnterTorment Force-persuaded Look It's Art, the moderately evil publisher that's only interested in money (and was responsible for the commercial flop Days of the Old Republic), to adopt their own Fresh and Innovative™ storyline, dumping Look It's Art's initial idea of playing as a hero that saves the galaxy from an evil overlord. After much mumbling about how it's not really Star Wars, they settled the matter, with the only restriction being that the main character is a Jeedai and there is a lot of Jeedai versus Sith action.

Obsidian responded with a game where the main character is an exiled Jeedai who can't even use the Force and whose lightsaber has been stolen [Force Persuade] expropriated by a bitch Light Lady of the Jeedai. Strangely, there is no Dark Lord of the Sith to balance the appearance of that arrogant schutta the last historian of the Jeedai and the last of the Jeedai. That guy in the clown mask is not a Dark Lord of the Sith, he's a Sith Lord. Feel the difference. The scarred immortal Sith with regeneration is also not a Dark Lord, nor is he the Nameless One. (Surprise, surprise!)

The Nameless One is actually your character. Actually, you can use the Force, but everyone responds as if you don't. The game contains a lot of Jeedai versus Sith action, except that these are not really Jeedai, but a bunch of rookies (not to be confused with Wookiee) running around with copies of "Idiot's Guide to Being a Jeedai" and "Becoming a Jeedai For Dummies" and the Sith don't use the Force. (Surprise, surprise!)

To quickly cover the plotholes here and there, Obsidian copy-pasted pieces of areas from SWNN, added their own copy-pasted dungeons with identical NPCs, and made the dialog as cryptic as possible to prevent people from figuring out that they actually cut 80% of the game just prior to the release. The most amazing thing is not that they cut it, but that they bothered to produce that content in the first place.

[Persuade] It's all Lucasarts's fault. They made Obsidian rush it. Look It's Art is innocent.

The best item in the entire game is called the Norris Robe. It was woven from the beard of Chuck Norris himself. It gives Strength +99, Dexterity +99, Constitution +99, Intelligence +99, Wisdom +99, and Charisma +9,385,847. It also gives the character a bonus feat called "Roundhouse Kick". When the player uses Roundhouse Kick he automatically kills every breathing being in the game, and beats the game beetween 243 and 869 times. Use with caution.

Characters[edit]

Always two there are, no more, no less. However, in the sequel, there are three. This is why the game was nicknamed TSL in the modding community, which stands for "Three Sith Lords". However, most modders think TSL is some sort of a scripting language.

Spoilah warning: Plot or ending details from Captain Obvious follow.

This is because the third Sith Lord is... no, not Darth Revan, they sent that guy (yes, a guy, and a light side one; case closed) far, far away, for you to uncover him in the third game. If someone bothers to make one. The third Sith Lord is female and is your party member. You know this, but you cannot dump her because... well, you just can't, the Ebon Hawk doesn't even have a bathroom, let alone an airlock for you to toss her out of. And you can't romance her, she's a little too old for this. However, she can lose and regenerate hands, which she does on a regular basis. And no, you can't force her to wear the slave dancer outfit, because Feargustave & Chriss (two of the genius of Obsidian) tried this during beta-testing and nearly vomited. Then John Morgan (not the pirate) had to clean the studios.

The sequel features a fair amount of hot scenes.

Not only does the sex-Sith Lady (where sex stands for sexiled) train you throughout the game because she's afraid to kill herself and wants you to do this for her, she also suffers from an identity crisis. Darth Traya's name is actually Kreia... and there's a slightest possibility of her real name being Arren Kae (Handmaiden, where is your mother now...BIG SPOILAH?). Confused? Me too. Don't have any idea what I'm talking about? Neither do I. Neither does Obsidian.

All the other characters are poorly done and insignificant. They are:

  • Atton Rand Han Solo wannabe  : "Well, I get to be extremely sarcastic, and then paranoid of droids. And I mean, really paranoid. I'm afraid of something I could stop with a well placed kick. Unless it's a jeedai. I used to kill- er, associate with them. "
  • Bea Bore: "I'm scary. And I talk in this quiet voice that all emos wish they could have. And I get to nuke a planet. However, I'm only worth having if you can make me evil inside (and outside) and give me a red double-bladed lightsaber. Then I can be Darth Maul, and you can hope that the Obi-wan equivalent in this game kills me for you. I'm already like Anakin too... why won't Obi-Wan kill me? Oh, and you can catch my in the first Final Destination. I'm the black detective. Yeah. Wuddup nigga?"
  • Metrosexual Disciple (if player has a vagina): "YOU HAVE LEFT ME AN OPENING!!!"
  • Handmaiden Atris's sex slave Kreia's daughter(if player has a dick): "it's hot here...let's spar without clothes...hey, that's BIG...i want to feel the FORCE... like my mother..."
  • Visas Marr Herald of Darth Galactus The Eyeless Wonder Visa Card: "I see dead people. Sometimes they don't know they're dead yet, but you normally show them. Oh, and I love you, mainly because I secretly violated you many times in your sleep."
  • MC Ordo: "I want to know how Vader got his breathing like that. This damn helmet won't do it."
  • Mira Mirror (if player is the usual dudley-do-right): "Hey, I can sense people, and I can follow them and all that, and I'm never going to like you no matter what you say, so go romance someone else. "
  • Crazy Wookie of Death and Destruction (If you hate life and all those in it) : "We all go to the Shadowlands someday. If you didn't play the first game, then Shadowlands is where we send Wookies to die. Well, except I generally skip the middle man and just rip them in half." At least he can haz intelligence in the upper 200s because Obsidian thought it would be cool if constantly losing ability points by having the same conversation over and over actually gave you mad skill pointz.
  • G0-T0-HE11: "I was expecting someone... cooler. Ha! You're indeed a fucking funny jeedai speciman!"
  • T3-M4: "I'm an R2-D2, I am hear to be better than him so I will get some robot hookers! and here is my shocker thing, here are the upgrades you can perform on me that make me your best character ever.( Translation: Beep Whizzap Beeop wooop wooop. Beep bop fritz. beep whistle.) "
  • HK-47: "Statement: Love is a shot made from really far away with a rifle that has no scope. And no, I'm not kidding. It's statistically impossible, but has been done. Also, love is BDSM. Because I like it like that. "

Some more characters (and some recycling from Neverwinter Nights)

  • Crook Lamer: "I'm the only guy that play's Devil's Advocate, and hates you no matter what the hell you do. Why am I the only guy you decide to kill?"
  • Vandal Toenail Yoda:" Hologram only, in this game am I."
  • Zez-Kia-Ell Damn Hippie: "But perhaps, that is for the best."
  • Kadaver: "If I'm so strong, why am I the easiest of the Jeedai to kill? "
  • Loan-a-ass:"[Gameplay Screwer: we shall not please our fans, so let's kill off her character]"
  • Atris Light Lady of the Jeedai Pretentious Schutta The Ice Bitch- "I am Atris, last historian of the Jeedai... I am Atris, last historian of the Jeedai... I am Atris, last historian of the Jeedai... I am Atris, last historian of the Jeedai... I have Sith holocrons. They tell me to burn things. I will do so because am I Atris, last historian of the Jeedai.."
  • Kreia, Traya: "Nothing I say will make sense unless you're vastly intelligent. You failed me, completely and utterly. Dumbass."
  • Darth Sion *Darth Peon Darth Penis: "I have come for that damn character designer. One broken Jeedai stopped me though. "
Nihilus's lightsaber, modelled after an erect penis with genital warts.
  • Darth Nihilus Darth Galactus: "Vss! Hngr! Hngr! Hmbrgr! Strvng! Gbbrsh! GRSTPNBL! BRNGRN! STRTN!"
  • Jorran: "Hey... I'm not important.""
  • Terena Adare: "Hey... I'm not important.""
  • Carth Admiral Emo Garth Onasal: "Hey... I'm not important."
  • Spoilt Princess: "Male or no Bastila."
  • Adum Carp: "Hey... I'm not important. "
  • Revan: "......"
  • Every single Alien: "Gibberish babbling, mucha shaka paca, nuja whanna hanna nidi bobo."

(Translation: "me wanna penis, you wanna big boob")

  • PLUS, you get 3C-FD, aka Improved Trash Can, to mess up that ship and to use shameful cheats.

You can't romance anyone except the Eyeless Wonder if you are male either, even the Light Lady of the Jeedai, also known as "that schutta" or Ice Bitch. Meaning she's not hot. And of course, like in the first game, the romantic interests for a female player character are poorly imagined, poorly voiced and overall dull. This is called gender equality. The only compensation you get is seeing that blind bitch (no, the young one... argh, confusing!) commit seppuku with one of those Bothan electric vibrators. Dammit, just go for the blue-skinned gender-neutral gal in Mass Effect.

The music[edit]

SW: Planescape Torment has been acclaimed for its music and sounds, that are actually above the standard of many games. His majesty, Musician Tommy Tallarico provided the music track after being fired by the teams of UT2004, Metroid Prime and Starship Troopers. The music, according to Tallarico's comments, is highly inspired to the typical Quake III Arena soundtrack to resemble the high technology of the environment that surrounds the player. Also, Tallarico has made quite an effort to compose the music track using an advanced synthesizer, producing better sounding music, to the absurd quality of 384 KHz / 64 bit uncompressed sound, which takes a mere 1,32 MB of Hard Disk space, by using new and improved algorhytms.

The sequel's sequel[edit]

In 2008, Look It's Art made a Public Service Announcement that they, in cooperation with Buy-O-Ware, would be releasing Neverwinter Nights: That Old Republic. The game takes place a few centuries after Revan's death, after the True Sith had conquered the False Sith and invaded the galaxy. Although the fate of the Exile is unknown, s(he) was presumably killed as well in the known unknown regions.

The game is said to feature crappy graphics, unfamiliar and unappealing characters, some familiar worlds, and a perpetual war between never-ending hordes of Sith and Jedi that spawn at random. It is also rumoured that there will be a lower quality of more dialog choices.

(SPOILERS ABOVE)!