Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

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If you thought this was bad,
wait till you see The Clone Wars.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (orginally called Revenge of the Bitch) is a 2005 space opera film written and directed by George Lucas. It is the sixth film released in the Star Wars saga, the third in terms of the series' internal chronology, and the second in terms of everyone finally admitting that Star Wars had lost it. It completes the entire Star Wars story, leaving George Lucas free to fully focus on ruining his other franchise; Indiana Jones.

The film takes place three years after the onset of the Clone Wars. The Jedi Knights are spread out across the galaxy leading a massive Mexican clone army in the war against the Separatists. After Chancellor Palpatine is kidnapped, Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi and his former apprentice, Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker, are dispatched to eliminate the evil and asthmatic General Grievous. Meanwhile, Anakin's close friendship with the Chancellor arouses suspicion in the Jedi Order. This friendship proves dangerous for both the Jedi Order and Anakin himself.

The film was released in theatres on 19 May 2005 and received generally positive reviews from critics, especially in contrast to the previous two prequels, which were deemed by Roger Ebert as some of "the most awful things that will ruin your childhood memories forever..."

It broke several box office records during its opening week and went on to earn over $848 million worldwide, making it the second highest grossing film in the Star Wars franchise (not adjusting for inflation (of George Lucas' ego)). It is also the only Star Wars film to be rated PG-13 by the MPAA and 12A by the BBFC, due to the scene where Anakin kisses Padme continuously for over 5 seconds. It appears the multiple limb dismemberings and the part where Count Dooku is beheaded were only worthy of a PG rating. Quentin Tarantino has called for action to be taken, as his film Kill Bill contained the same level of violence, yet was given an 18 rating. The BBFC responded to Tarantino's complaints by saying he was "a cheapskate who wouldn't bribe the Grim Reaper not to take his own life."

Working titles were 'Star Wars Episode III: The Fall Of The Jedi' and 'Star Whores Episode 111: Revenge Of The Shit'. The latter title was a revenge attack from a disgruntled former employee called Dave Prowse of the UK, who had broken into the Lucasfilm publicity department and changed the spelling. The change in the title went unnoticed largely because most of the staff couldn't give a toss. Some publicity still exists with this title. Prowse's mischief did not end there as he also hired a computer hacker to alter any reference to 'Force' and substituted it with the word 'Farts' as well as 'Sith' which was substituted with the word 'Shit'. These changes went unnoticed until the film was well into post-production. No one on the shoot had picked up that there had been changes made to the shooting script and no one dared argue with George Lucas. The swear words were dubbed prior to the films release.

Prowse, who had been a work experience trainee for Lucasfilm in 1982, who had liked to dress up as Darth Vader, had become obsessed with revenge after he his face not shown as Anakin Skywalker in Return Of The Jedi. He was later arrested and sent to prison and forced feed Wookie Poo-Doo for the rest of his natural life. However, evidence has recently surfaced that suggests he may have been acting on behalf of Lucas' nemesis, Steven Spielberg.

After the Star Wars saga ended many fans killed themselves as they had nothing left to look forward to in life except reissues of countless "special editions" of DVD's with a new special effect put in which would add very little to the film.


In Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005), set three years after Attack of the Clones, Obi-Wan Kenobi is now a Jedi Master on the High Jedi Council and a general in the Army of the Republic. Anakin Skywalker, now a full-fledged Jedi Knight, has become less of an irritant than he was in Attack of the Clones. Possibly sometime in between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, Obi-Wan gave him that long overdue slap. He remains his partner, and the two have become war heroes and best friends.

Obi-Wan and Anakin are sent on a mission to rescue Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, who has been kidnapped very easily (George Lucas would recommend you pick up on this subtle red herring) by Count Dooku and Separatist leader/portable dialysis machine, General Grievous. When they find the captive Palpatine, Count Dooku engages them both in a duel. Obi-Wan is rendered unconscious by Dooku, but Anakin defeats the Sith Lord by slicing off both his hands. With persuading and instruction from Palpatine on how to properly vanquish a vampire, Anakin then chops off the defenseless Count's head, a violation of the Jedi Code, as well as an indication of being a complete psychopath.

Soon after returning to Coruscant, Obi-Wan is called away to Utapau to confront General Grievous. Meanwhile, Anakin returns to his whiny roots, and is angry at the Jedi Council for not granting him the rank of Master, even though he is given a seat on it by Chancellor Palpatine. Mace Windu is
quick to scold the young Jedi for questioning the council's decision.

Who ever said Lucas couldn't write a love-scene?
May the motherfuckin' Force be with us all...
Kount DoooKKKKoooo promised he would kure my Asthmeeeaaaa...
Mace Windu: You are on this council, but we do not grant you the rank of Master.
Anakin: What?
Mace Windu: I said, You are on this council, but we do not grant you the rank of Master.
Anakin: What?

[Yoda looks concernedly at Obi-Wan, who shakes his head as if to say "Here we go again..."]

Mace Windu: What star-system you from?
Anakin: What?
Mace Windu: What ain't no star-system I ever heard of! They speak Galactic Basic on What?
Anakin: What?
Mace Windu: GALACTIC BASIC, motherfucker! Do you speak it?!
Anakin: Yes.
Mace Windu: Then you know what I'm saying!
Anakin: Yes.
Mace Windu: Describe what Master Yoda looks like.
Anakin: What?
Mace Windu: Say what again!
Anakin: What?
Mace Windu: Say WHAT again! I dare you! I double-dare you, motherfucker! Say What one more goddamn time!
Anakin: He's green...
Mace Windu: Go on.
Anakin: He's short...
Mace Windu: Does he look like a bitch?
Anakin: No.
Mace Windu: Then why'd you try to fuck him like a bitch?
Anakin: I didn't.
Mace Windu: Yes you did. Yes you did, Anakin. You and Chancellor Palpatine tried to fuck him like a bitch when you were put on this council!
Only Yoda don't like to be fucked by anybody, except democratically-elected council members.
Anakin: This is an outrage! You're being unfair!
Mace Windu: Take a seat, young Skywalker. Sit yo' ass down.
Anakin: Forgive me, Master.

[Anakin reluctantly sits down]

Mace Windu: You a smart motherfucker, that's right!

[An awkward silence hangs in the room, until...]

Ki-Adi Mundi: What about the droid attack on the Wookiees?
Mace Windu: I don't remember asking you a GODDAMN thing!

He is also troubled by visions of Padmé dying in childbirth. With Obi-Wan on the opposite end of the galaxy, Palpatine, who is, in a total surprise, revealed to be Darth Sidious, eventually corrupts Anakin to the dark side by using persuasive, polysyllabic dialogue- unheard of in any other Star Wars film- and takes him as his Sith apprentice, Darth Vader. Mace Windu and 3 other Unknown Jedi Council Members set out to apprehend him.

Never expected him to turn evil... Nope, not at all.
Something, Something, Something Darkside...
Palpatine: Master Windu. I take it General Grievous has been destroyed then. I must say, you're here sooner than expected.
Mace Windu: In the name of the Galactic Senate of the Republic, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

[Mace Windu and the other Jedi ignite their lightsabers.]

Palpatine: Are you threatening me, Master Jedi?
Mace Windu: I'm a mushroom-cloud laying motherfucker, motherfucker!
Palpatine: It's treason, then.

[Palpatine stands, a laser sword appears out of his cloak sleeve, and he spins toward the Jedi. A half hour long fight- scene ensues. Mace manages to knock his lightsaber away and corner him, just as Anakin arrives.]

Mace Windu: You are under arrest, motherfucker!
Palpatine: Anakin! I told you it would come to this. I was right. The Jedi are taking over.
Mace Windu: Shut the fuck up, Chancellor Palpatine. You ain't talking your ass out of this shit.
Palpatine: No! No! You will die!

[Palpatine shoots lightning at Mace Windu, which he deflects back at Palpatine, causing his skin to turn pale and rubbery, and his eyes to turn yellow.]

Anakin: You can't kill him, Master. He must stand trial.
Mace Windu: He has too much control of the Senate and the Courts. He's too dangerous to be kept alive.
Palpatine: I'm too weak. Don't kill me. Please.
Anakin: It is not the Jedi way...

Rather than simply grabbing Mace Windu's hand, Anakin chops it off to stop him from killing Palpatine, who then electrifies Mace Windu and throws him out of a window whilst shouting "UNLIMITED POWER!!! OVER 9000!" He then knights Anakin as Darth Vader.

After finding the Separatist encampment, Obi-Wan engages the asthmatic General Grievous in battle, eventually killing him with a blaster, out of all the different weapons in the entire galaxy. At the same time, Palpatine issues Order 66, directing clone troopers to turn on their Jedi generals. Obi-Wan, being one of the few Jedi with any resourcefulness or initiative, survives the attempt on his life and escapes by stealing Grievous' star fighter and meeting with Senator Bail Organa and Yoda aboard Organa's ship, the Tantive IV.

Along with Yoda and Organa, Obi-Wan returns to Coruscant, where he and Yoda discover that every Jedi in the Jedi Temple has been murdered, even the younglings. Obi-Wan sends a beacon to all surviving Jedi, instructing them to scatter across the galaxy and remain in hiding, which presumably fails seeing as the Jedi are already dead. A heartbroken Obi-Wan then watches a security video revealing Anakin as the assassin and child-killing SOB. Subsequently, Obi-Wan and Yoda split up to confront the two Sith Lords: Obi-Wan to fight Darth Vader and Yoda to battle Darth Sidious in a classic samurai Jedi stand-off. Obi-Wan wishes to fight Sidious to avoid having to kill his best friend, but Yoda insists that Obi-Wan is not strong enough to fight Sidious, and would have to accept that Anakin had been "by Darth Vader, consumed.", and reminds Obi-Wan of all the times Anakin bitched at him about how he wasn't treated like a grown-up.

Unaware of his former Padawan's location, Obi-Wan visits Padmé and explains to her what Anakin has done. Padmé, being naturally blonde with dyed brown hair, refuses to believe him, and will not reveal Anakin's whereabouts, knowing that Obi-Wan will attempt to kill him. Before departing, Obi-Wan tells Padmé that he knows Anakin is the father of her unborn child, and criticises both of them for not using a condom in that technological age. Padmé sets out to the Mustafar system to confront Anakin herself, and Obi-Wan secretly stows away in her ship.

Arriving on Mustafar, Padmé confronts Anakin and realizes with horror that Obi-Wan had been telling the truth - condoms really are easily available. When Obi-Wan emerges from Padmé's ship, an enraged Vader immediately suspects that Padmé has betrayed him and uses the dark side to choke her into unconsciousness. Obi-Wan and Vader then fight a furious lightsaber duel.

Anakin: You underestimate my power! TO JUMP REALLY REALLY HIGH!!!

[Anakin jumps down from the cliff in an attack. Obi-Wan slices his legs and left arm off before he has even touched the ground.]

Obi-Wan: Pwned, bitch!
One of the greatest anti-climaxes in cinematic history.

Obi-Wan then retrieves Anakin's lightsaber, believing he will no longer have any use for it seeing as he is one limb away from being a paraplegic, and returns to the shuttle. Vader, meanwhile, slides down the volcanic ash, coming too close to the lava, ignites and practically burns to death. Obi-Wan turns round to laugh before leaving. Vader lingers on long enough to be rescued by Palpatine, who rebuilds him as the black armor-clad cyborg first seen in the original trilogy. This epic sci-fi moment, once considered impossible to make gay, is somehow ruined by George Lucas, as Darth Vader is told his wife is dead, to which he throws his arms in the air and shouts:

The more realistic alternate ending.

Obi-Wan watches helplessly as Padmé dies after bearing twins. Her robo-doc says that her "will to live" has run out, somehow causing her to die rather than just becoming an Emo. Luke is put on Tatooine with Owen Lars, who is Anakin's step-brother, and Obi-Wan agrees to look after him in secret; Luke's twin sister Leia, meanwhile, is adopted by Bail Organa of Alderaan. Yoda, unsuccessful in his confrontation with Sidious, then tells Obi-Wan that he has more training for him: Qui-Gon's spirit would teach him how to retain his identity through the Force and commune with the living after death, as well as possibly set up another film, Star Wars Episode III.V: The Sequel Too Far. The film ends as Obi-Wan gives the infant Luke to Lars and his wife Beru, and disappears into the distance, presumably to live the rest of his life drinking heavily in a sand-igloo.