“Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam, Steam.....”
There are two (2) articles here. One is about steam, the other is about some kind of defunct internet chat client.
Steam, the Physical Phenomenon
Matter can take several forms: solid, liquid, gas, plasma, degenerate matter, virtual matter, imaginary matter and doesnot matter. Steam is the special name used to denote the gaseous form of dihydrous monoxide.
In particular, when liquid dihydrous monoxide evaporates -- due to increased heat, decreased pressure, or mood swings -- its molecules separate and fly off on mini-vacations from the huddled masses. While other substances are called vapor or gas when they evaporate, dihydrous monoxide gas is called steam -- uh, except when it is around room temperature (290o Kermit), when it is called dihydrous monoxide vapor.
Now, at room temperature (290o Kermit, or 65o Fahrfetnugen) dihydrous monoxide vapor is expressed as percent humility and commonly understood as "the amount of dihydrous monoxide vapour the current prime minister of Britain can hold" at that temperature. This is, fundamentally, a dumbassed way to look at it, as if his hands are paper towels which can only hold a certain amount of dihydrous monoxide vapor before they become "saturated" (technically, achieving complete suppuration).
In truth, it's all dependent on the respective vapor pressures of all species present. For example, lobster molecules of the species Panulirus argus exert a given pressure (despite their lack of claws) and molecules of dihydrous monoxide likewise exert a given pressure (despite their similar lack of claws). (*Note: the chemical referred to here is the southern spiny lobster species, which has no claws and depends on its Browning aquatic 7-mm pistols to defend itself from predators.)
It is merely the balance of these pressures which determine the concentration of molecules in any given gas. All this bullshit about saturated air is just puerile, sickening, ignorant, lazyminded pap which makes a REAL man with hairy testicles want to vomit and then take a baseball bat and bludgeon the air into submission. God, it makes us furious. What a travesty!
Back to Steam
Pardon our outburst. OK, steam is the gaseous form of dihydrous monoxide. Typically live steam refers to the vapor which is heated well above room temperature (290o Kermit, or 65o Fahrfetnugen, or 45 o Centipede). At this temperature the vapor is superangry and the molecules are invisible. Because of their anger they hide themselves in order to trick their enemies into coming closer so they can scald them.
By contrast, common or household steam is actually composed of calmer, more coherent molecules of dihydrous monoxide. These actually clump together in groups of two or three thousand, forming relatively peaceful communities governed as anarcho-socialistic communes. They feel no need to hide, and typically manifest as a white or cloudy mass in the air. Clouds are one example; your mom is another. The effluvium from the spout of teakettle is not a good example. Avoid it.
Features of Steam
Like most internet chat, Steam Friends Little Happy-Time Chatty Chatty (to give it its full title) was started by somebody, and later other people typed way hella radical text messages on it. Aside from occasional invasions by AOL kiddies, the Steam Friends Little Happy-Time Chatty Chatty in those days functioned like a little nest full of happy chirping birds. Topics of discussion included games, ROXORS, sex-for-those-with-undescended-testicles, acne remedies, and SUXORS.
Naturaly Steam does not actually exist, the giveaway is in the name (moist hot air), it is the latest in a range of Vapourware releases, please do not read any further if you have just bought any software via Steam or you will find that you are not able to play the game (for reasons that will become obvious)
Now Steam has become the biggest get rich quick pyramid schemes of the new millenium. Not even an infomercial can slow down the giant steaming pile to stop collecting money. In a recent review with the Steam creator, he decided it would be a good idea to take games other people make, slap a steaming pile on it and sell it for 20 dollars. Naturally he realized that the kiddies are not smart enough to realize that if you pay 20 dollars for everything that it adds up to be a raping. However even though there has been a movement to stop the steaming mass from collecting, its still whoring itself out for 20 dollars to every third friend at the party.
Steam Friends Network
The Steam Friends Network, programmed by clinjas, was considered the very best of Internet chat clients (except for Yahoo, AOL, MSN, and the éÆó-ÕÖ chat client programmed by Neanderthals using small stones). Its features included:
- Talking to others while playing with themselves (uh, we forgot our grammar there...)
- An easy to use flieswapping options, used for exchanging VAC2 houseflies
- Easy access to free porn
- Recipes for Krispie Kremes (at the suggestion of Gabe Newell)
- The ability to download the latest cracked versions of Tetris and other hella cool games
- Lasergnus, for repelling evil alien gnu-haters
- Access to a webcam in the Cedars of Lebanon
In the early days Friends worked at least as well as a lump of soggy mud, but one day, Gabe "Chunky Arse" Newell accidentally sat on it. Sadly, Valve lost its Friends, and is still looking for them along with O.J. Simpson looking for the killer of Judge Crater. Until that time, Valve employees won't work; prior to that time, Valve employees did not work anyway. There is very little difference, therefore, and nobody really gives a shit.
Keen Tortoise 2
Rug Ombarday of Valve promised more details on the sequel to Keen Tortoise after the release of Quarter Life 2, however little has emerged since its release. Many members of the steam forums believe Keen Tortoise 2 is in fact in development as they have hacked into Rug Ombardays mind and extracted facts. In a completely unrelated fact, 75% of the members of the steam forums have an IQ lower than 50. The game will carry over many of the original ideas from Keen Tortoise one, such as teamplay, classes and lettuce. The best estimates place a release for the game sometime in 2055.
As soon as the highly anticipated and delayed Lost Coaster came out in 2007, Steam exploded from an overload of server traffic, creating a time rift in the universe and sending all the SteamPowered Forumites back to 1807. The forumites then gathered the various pieces of Steam scattered across the universe and eat cake. Ice cream cake to be exact. Remember, though, that the cake is a lie.
There has been quite some controversy about the name of Lost Coaster, as... how it is possible for a coaster to be lost when it is obviously still under the cup of tea? Or, how it can be found if it was never lost, in which case the tea must be imaginary?
(For those who have not a clue, Lost Coaster is a 16-bit computer game that runs on DOS. The object of the game is either to place a coaster under a cup of tea, or -- if the coaster is already under the teacup -- to remove it without annoying the Tea Geisha.)
Many people have tried to decipher this strange mystery. Einstein, Stalin, and Otto Van Bismark all have come to their own conclusions:
"It iz obviouz zat ze Lozt Coazter is but a vrip in ze space time continuum, and ze univerze will should've callapzed upon itself mercilessly ven ze game hat bin releazed."
"In Soviet Russia, Coaster loses you!" *followed by no applause*
Otto Van Bismark was unable to comment on the Lost Coaster due to his pending marriage ceremony to Margaret Thatcher.
Day of De Fart: Source
Day of De Fart: Source will be released via Steam's sphincter on the release of Half-Shit 3: Loading and Unloading Only. Its main aim is to propell the amazing game Day of De Fart to the Source engine, keeping everything the same (Poop, Intestines, Colons, Spincters included). This is the Heinie-Valve way. Already it has been tested on monkeys, spidermonkeys and various bovine breeds. All these animals agree, it "waz like bam bam and then he woz like NEIN!!, KKIKIKIKIKIKOLOLOLOLROFL". The animals in question all produced copious amounts of methane, hydrogen sulfide, odorous aldehyde compounds, and other foul gases. Day of De Fart may truly be expected to stink.
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