Steam Hearts

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Steam Hearts Shoot the enemy, then shoot your load
Developer GIGA
Release Date September 23 1998
Genre Vertical scrolling shooter
Platforms PC98, PCE, Sega Saturn, Wii
Rating XXX
Would Chairman Mao play it? Can't find my Wii controller.

Steam Hearts (スチームハーツ) is a vertical shoot 'em up developed by GIGA and initially released on the PC98 platform. It later made its way to the PC Engine and then the Sega Saturn. Look, I'm not going to lie to you. This is the most fucked up videogame outside of RapeLay (I really wish it was a porno version of Axelay, but it just isn't) and that Witch Molesting game for the DS. The only lie featured in this article is anything relating to the Nintendo Wii.

This shoot-em up is an adult game, in which the player must shoot their way through a stage before battling the stage's Boss. Once the boss is defeated, the player character will then engage in sex with the female boss character in order to return the character to normal. Let us just reread that sentence so it sinks in. You first shoot your way through the stage, engage in a boss battle (foreplay, perhaps?) then you shoot your load into the boss.

Hear that? That's the sound of your brain trying to crawl out of its damned skull. And we haven't got to the fucked up bits yet.


The events take place in the Earth-like world of Westina, a fictional planet that is inhabited by thousands of elven/animalistic people. The Westinans had advanced greatly in technology and had already worked their way up to space travel, so much that they were able to create impressive mechs and even battle ships.

There are five main parts to Westina, each of which are ruled by a young and beautiful female guardian. (Yes, it is going where you think it's going). Each guardian treated their part of Westina with a diplomatic peace, but each of them also controlled their own fleet of fighters and had their own custom mechs so if they ever needed to defend their area, they had the power to do so.

One day, each of these five guardians alongside their fleets began to ravage their own areas in a flurry of violent assaults; as they were the leading authority of their areas, there was little to no opposition to stop them.

Leaving the chaos, two fighter pilots eventually learned of the center of the guardian's madness: each guardian had contracted a space-born virus that made them go crazy. The two also learned that there was an antidote to the guardian's virus which by an odd twist of fate happened to reside within (yes, you guessed it) the semen of the male pilot, Blondia Varandy, whose friends know him as Blow (no, I didn't even make that bit up).

So now the elven Blondia and his adopted catgirl sister Fallandia, who (yes, they even that went that far) also has a penis (no, really, I'm not kidding) set out to save their planet by destroying each guardian's fleet and bringing the guardian's back to normal, as well as "eradicating the source of the virus".

Gameplay features[edit]

Unlike most vertical shoot-em up games, Steam Hearts allows players to boost in a particular direction for small amount of time before your player gets spent. Also, unlike most shoot-em ups, the player's ship can take a total of six hits before they lose a life. Player's health could be replenished throughout the course of the game either by retrieving engine shaped pick-ups (Oh, thank god they weren't vagina, breast or penis-shaped!) or yellow M's which acted as full-health power ups.

One unique (though not particularly original) aspect to the gameplay was the addition of dialogue before and during battle between characters. It's all in Japanese and frankly, I don't want to know what they're saying. Knowing the complete perverts who made this game, it'll probably be something to do with colonic irrigation... using semen!

After every boss battle, the player is treated to an array of surprisingly detailed scenes of foreplay, molestation and even BDSM fetishes practiced within the scenes that go on between the heroes and the boss-guardians. And no, I'm not going to include images with this article, coz they've pretty much got unmentionable fluids everywhere! With aim that bad, it's amazing how the Hell Blow could have possibly shot anything.

Weapon system[edit]

Players had an impressive arsenal of "weaponry" to choose from in the game, most of which was both common and unique to the vertical-shoot-em up, or anything ever conceived by a mind that is not obsessed with screwing big-breasted females in order to cure them!

Standard firing weapons included the typical "vulcan cannon" which could be fired in either full auto or semi-auto and with the right upgrades could pelt the screen in a wide spray of "bullets" (white ones, at that!) Alongside the vulcan was also the laser weapon which started out as a long thin beam that could be fired in the same speed as the vulcan, but with appropriate upgrades the laser increased in width and strength.

Ah, but the game doesn't just feature innuendo. Oh no, it doesn't stop there. This game also caters to the sick-fucks who like to kill. Included in the arsenal are homing lasers, a pack of deadly ROv bots that hunt enemies down and fire automatic lasers at them, and a napalm bombs. The only reason they didn't include Agent Orange, is because there's no bloody trees in outer space.

Wii version[edit]

Oh, it just gets better, doesn't it? Deciding to prove once and for all that Nintendo isn't kiddy, they ported this game over to the Nintendo Wii. You control the ship with the Wiimote, thrusting at the screen to make the ship go up and pressing a button to fire.

And when you get to the porno bit? Oh, you can thrust the controller to simulate penetration or put it on vibrator mode and stick it up your arse!


We have no sales data or reviews, because anyone that played the game was too embarrassed to admit it. I once caught some thirty-year old sneaking a copy of the game out of the gamestore underneath a copy of Super Princess Peach's Happy Rainbow Tea Time!

The only person we could get a comment from was Michael Jackson. He hated it, because there weren't any underaged boys in it. That's about the only good thing you can say about this perverted nightmare. It's a wonder Jack Thompson hasn't campaigned against this game yet, blaming it on a rash of women who want to get penises so they can fuck their own gender.

Don't see[edit]

Do see[edit]

External Links[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Steam Hearts.