Steely Dan

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Steely Dan.


Steely Dan is the earliest predecessor of the iPod. Though he could not produce MP3 quality music, he could spew forth a sequence of beeps and boops that caught the wide appeal of music aficionados of the period. Wozniak produced the behemoth at the command of his evil master, a giant steam-powered dildo previously owned by William S. Burroughs, named Steely Dan III. In the early 70's, Dan toured America performing his famous song, "Rikki Don't Compute That Number." His critically acclaimed light show was actually the accidental byproduct of a number of violent shorts in his circuity, often killing numerous roadies and fans. As Steely Dan's musical style was honed and perfected, his shows featured a wide range of often changing band members, including Chevy Chase, Will Ferrell, and a young William Shatner, before he found his true musical talent to be totally beyond the scope of what Steely Dan was heading for. By the 1980s, Steely Dan had taken on a mellower, quieter style, widely considered to have been a reflection of his controversial switch to a Macintosh operating system. This era is often seen as the golden (or rather, copper) age of Dan's career, as defined by such tunes as "Deacon Infrareds", "Hey Square Root of 361", and "Darkish Bovine". Steely Dan's presence in the nineties was heavily underplayed due to a cataclysmic battle with Rita Repulsa, in which Dan played a major role, allowing the Power Rangers to strike their final blow, and unwittingly giving the already ragged rangers adequate funds to start another half-assed attempt to recapture their former glory. Steely Dan's farewell album, originally titled "Everything Must Go", but changed at the last minute to "Screw You, I'm Keeping It", was an unexpected hit at the time of its release, but failed to bring Dan's remaining peripherals back to play with him. Dan's partner, Donald Frakken, went on to pursue a mainly fruitless solo career, and ultimately was found dead in his Chicago apartment. It was established that his untimely demise was the result of a deadly overdose while kitten huffing. Still, Steely Dan leaves behind a legacy of sheer jazz-rock kick-assery.

Music Style[edit]

Notorious for his jazzy musical style, Dan popularized the usage of the "Null Chord" which is a musical chord constructed from the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and π notes in the major scale, while emitting a high pitched squeal that was known to kill some woodland creatures. This sound was later copied by Britney Spears, raped, and performed backwards.


Steely Dan produced a number of records, many of which were very successful in both American and international music charts.

  • 1972 Can't Buy a Thrill (Or Any Other Emotion Because I'm a Fucking Computer)
  • 1973 Countdown to Unfeeling Logic and Cold Mathematical Rationalism"
  • 1974 Apple Logic Pro 9
  • 1975 Katy Lied (A Clear Violation of The First and Second Laws of Robotics)
  • 1976 The Royal Scan"
  • 1977 Asia (A Tribute to the Country that Manufactured Most If Not All of My Crucial Machine Parts)
  • 1980 "A Resident of the South American Pampas, Chacos, or Patagonian Grasslands"
  • 1995 "Sentient in America"
  • 2000 I Against Nature
  • 2003 Everything (About This Album) Must Go (To Hell)

Mental Health[edit]

As Steely Dan matured, his circuits aged and he contracted a disease known in the medical world as "going batshit-fucking-insane". This, however, did not interfere with his grand musical talent, and there is only one recorded occasion on which Dan his been shown to have acted in any manner out of the ordinary, due to his madness. On February 19, 1999, Dan was supposedly seen talking in a German accent, assaulting Lance Henrickson, Bill Paxton, and eventually stealing an oil tanker in pursuit of Linda Hamilton.


After Steely Dan's eventual descent into madness, he decided to go back on tour with an all new all-star backing band, not featuring anybody worth mention, except perhaps a well-disguised Andy Kaufman. The tour carried him, unfortuantely, to Hoboken, New Jersey, well known to be a convenient expressway to the deepest level of hell, and Dan was confronted with the tortured soul of Barbara Streisand. Dan was killed during a fierce breakdance battle with Barbara Streisand, while trying desperately to defend Andy Kaufman, with whom Dan had developed a close friendship. Despite Dan's good intentions, he was smacked down by that bitch, causing irreparable damage to his processor, killing him instantly. Upon witnessing his savior's demise, Andy Kaufman cast down his disguise, revealing himself in his true and ultimate form, Ultraman, and with his divine powers, cast Barbara Streisand back to hell, where she is punished at all hours by having to share a room, with Henny Youngman, which is, in reality, a great deal of fun for him. With the divine intervention of Ultraman/Andy Kaufman, Steely Dan was guaranteed a place in heaven, alongside Lance Henrickson, and Tim Thomerson, neither of whom are actually dead yet.