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The Shire, with Hobbiton in the distance. Stellenbosch is probably quite similar to this.

There exists, within the untamed wilderness that is the dark continent of Africa, a strange and mysterious place known as Stellenbosch. In this haven of peace and tranquility many have found shelter from the savagery of the beasts of Africa -- the fearsome lion, the bear, the tiger, the goldfish oh my -- and it is here that can be found an institution some claim is 2.5 times older than the sundering of the continents and at least 3.5 times as exciting: Stellenbosch University.


Stellenbosch was discovered in 1600 when a number of colonists from some repressive colonial country, whose name we reject as anethema to our ancestors and consider worthy only to be spat on, blundered upon its untamed and majesterial beauty. These settlers then promptly proceeded to collect all the natural resources and to brutally repress the native people, who were kind and peaceful and had cured the common cold through use of herbs, oils, and bits of puppy.

The natives were then scattered across the world and forced to perform demeaning and thankless tasks for their cruel task-masters -- like writing Britney Spears songs or authoring little-read Uncyclopedia articles. The Colonial Oppressors (although they prefer the term Human Freedom Restrictors) then named the formerly untamed wilderness Stellenbosch, from the Latin stellen bosch which means "Stellenbosch".

After 400 years the untamed has become tame, the wilderness has become merely ness, which is not nearly as scary without the wilder, and incidentally is also quite a nice sandwich spread. The rest of Africa remained a backward and cruel land. (Well, except for the legendary city of East London which is not in London, nor is it east of London.) Here in Stellenbosch there is perpetual peace, and people go to bed at 21:00 because all the coffee shops have closed, and the shopping centres are very very tiny, and nobody drives for more than 15 minutes at a time, and the sidewalks are carefully folded up and put away before midnight, and loud noises are against the law, and newspapers have nothing to report because nothing happens...but I digress.

Stellenbosch University[edit]

Map of the Stellenbosch region, as prepared by the University's Department of Incompetence.

Stellenbosch University was built by an advanced civilisation in the distant past. And I'm not talking about that Edwardian England "isn't-this-a-great-new-horse-collar" type of advanced, I'm talking alien civilisation "how-did-they-get-that-pyramid-to-look-so-pointy" type of advanced. Today its super advanced structures are inhabited by a race of people who have a culture and language that is vastly different from any other culture in the known universe: "Afrikaans".

The Afrikaans people say they originate from Dutch settlers, but they're not fooling anyone. They're not fooling Uncyclopedia! This is a weird and incomprehensible society, capable of producing things both of great beauty (like milk tart, the elusive "melk-kos", which translates as "milk food" and -- in some cases -- can actually be eaten) and things of the most terrible nature (like the Kurt Darren.)


Student life in Stellenbosch is some of the wildest you will see in the dark continent. When not failing their exams, students like to organise mass religious book and CD-burnings. Stellenbosch students also dance the 'Sokkie" which should never be attempted by a a non-South African. Sokkie dance-floors have been compared to swirling black holes, and any inexperienced dancer will undoubtably be maimed if pulled into its vortex. Sokkie music operates on ultrasound, which can only be heard by experienced dancers. To anyone else, sokkie music sounds like a Dutch Nintendo on Tik.

Stellenbosch students are amongst the most hard working students in Stellenbosch. Courses offered include:

- Advanced Theology and Denial Theory

- The Physics of Sokkie and Utilisation of Sokkie as an Energy source

- Psychology

- Musiek

- Logical Positivism, recently adapted from the syllabus from the University of Walamaloo