Steve Ballmer

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
For another table-dancing, mentally deficient, foul-mouthed, chair-throwing psychopath, see Tom Cruise.
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Steve Ballmer.
Ballmer gives employees a highly motivational pep talk.
Ballmer (right) applauding after watching an opera performance of Faust with his associates, Mephistopheles (left) and Beelzebub (center) from the Microsoft luxury box at NASDAQ.
Ballmer and Bill Gates celebrating after finally taking over the world with their products.
Ballmer concluding (yet another) over-the-top monologue before triggering the release of (yet another) crappy MS product.

“As far as I can tell, the phrase ‘I. Love. This. COMPANYY! YEEEAAAAAAAAARARRRRARAGH!’ has FIVE words, not four.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Steve Ballmer

“Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers!”

~ Steve Ballmer on developers

The shy, retiring and softly-spoken Steven Anthony Horatio BALLmer, a.k.a. Steven Anthony Horatio “Sound of Silence” BALLmer, a.k.a. Steven Anthony Horatio “Fucking Kill you” BALLmer, a.k.a. Grandmaster Microscotch, AKA THE ASSHOLE WHO IS MAKING WINDOWS AND MICROSOFT OFFICE EXPENSIVE AS HELL, is a Homer Simpson lookalike and professional hitman for Nikita Khrushchev. Born Snorlax in Soviet Russia in 1949, Ballmer was created from genetic material extracted primarily from Khrushchev and a boar in an 1940s wartime Soviet experiment. It is from Khrushchev that Ballmer learned one of his trademark phrases, "We will bury you!" and the rest of his broken English comes from the boar.

Ballmer emigrated to the United States of America aged 17. Shortly after arriving, he began work at the nascent Microsoft corporation as janitor and furniture rearranger. After several years of steady, but unspectacular, employment he began to move up within the organisation when offered money to bump off (or waste) a Microsoft employee who was taking too many days off. A meteoric rise through the ranks led, eventually, to the position of CEO (Chair Executive Officer), whilst leaving a trail of 130 dead: 22 Software Developers! Developers! Developers!; 15 senior managers and 93 part-time staff including a cantankerous, drug-addicted duck with a chip on his shoulder. His ad with Microsoft was literally inviting homosexuals everywhere to suck his fat cock. Or to try Microsoft, whichever you prefer. Ballmer once mistook an airplane for his dick, and unfortunately the entire press corps of Guinea-Bissau saw him stroking a Boeing 737. He recently gave birth to Richard Branson.

Until recently Ballmer's psychopathic activities were a carefully guarded secret within Microsoft. With the Internet release of a now-infamous video showing Ballmer berating and intimidating a captive audience of meek and fretful employees, his behaviour became public knowledge. Further investigation revealed still more sinister actions, and eventually led to his unmasking as one of history's most profligate murderers.

The SI unit of death threats is named the “Ballmer” in his honor (1 Ballmer = 1 death threat issued by the patient against another individual). Fittingly, Steve Ballmer is the current holder of the world record for death threats, with 13.7 MBallmers.[1]

Recent research has revealed that Steve Ballmer is thankfully not available in Nebraska.[2]

On the official Steve Ballmer Fucking-Kill™-o-meter today:
13,746,345people featured on Steve Ballmer's hitlist so far (Thursday 10/28-2021)


The business card of Steve Ballmer.

“Maybe my darker instincts are correct about Steve Ballmer. Maybe the knowledge that I deny is the truth... the knowledge that Steve Ballmer is dark and willing to destroy all things.”

~ Martin Heidegger on Steve Ballmer

Steve was seeded from genetic material harvested from Nikita Khrushchev and other prominent members of the Soviet politburo, and was genetically spliced with a boar before his test-tube birth on a dark and stormy night. It is also rumored that Steve Ballmer could have possibly been created by Oprah. The Ballmer body also serves as host to an alien symbiote called Bill. Research suggests that implantation occurred during his early days at Microsoft. A famous picture, widely distributed on the Internet, shows the Ballmer body holding open his entrance ready to receive the glory of his master and an extra helping of Cream of Wheat. Many scholars assert that the genetic strain used, nicknamed Developer4 by its creators on the planet Terl, was actually a hybrid of two earlier but less successful prototypes, Ayn Rand and Boris Yeltsin. Despite the widely documented early success of the Ballmer, many complications daunted the engineers charged with the task of maintaining and upgrading his aluminum alloy body. The necessity of constantly filling the cocaine intake manifold with increasingly potent and expensive software proved too much financially for the budding Microsoft Corporation. In December 1995, they declared bankruptcy and all assets and holdings of the company were liquidated (whatever that means).

The DEVELOPERS! Incident[edit]

The very handsome Steve Ballmer's DEVELOPERS! recruiting poster

The DEVELOPERS! Incident is probably what made Steve Ballmer famous the world over. The presentation started with a bang as Steve Ballmer (allegedly high on massive amounts of cocaine as well as PCP, crystal meth, ecstasy, various other stimulants, marijuana, and God knows what else) lept from behind the curtain with his trademark grin and started screaming in agony and pain to “give it up for me or I'll Fucking Kill™ all of you!!!”. Essentially this went on for 67 minutes with Ballmer hopping and moonwalking around the stage while screaming his head off to the sound of claps and cheers from the lobotomized audience.

What happened next is truly almost indescribable. After Ballmer was done jumping and screaming onstage he simply stopped and walked over the the microphone. From this point on Ballmer spent the next 23½ hours repeating the phrase, “DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS!” Ballmer was totally unaware he began sweating profusely, so much that he in fact drowned the entire audience of Ballmer worshipers. After the presentation was over Ballmer needed to have his vocal cords surgically replaced, and the doctors instead put in a sonic wave generator that can make your head asplode from 50 paces. He also bragged that he sweated approximately 89.2 gigagallons of sweat — enough to fill the Pacific Ocean 3 times over.

After the whole ordeal was over Steve Ballmer retreated to his Microsoftian themed mansion and drank 1,863,456,197 bottles of pink lemonade Snapple in less than 12 parsecs, playing his favorite computer game, Minesweeper, all the while.[3]

Ballmer chanting the now-infamous word over and over.

Recent events[edit]

Yet another helpless victim of Steve Ballmer's rage...

In the past year, Ballmer has vowed to Fucking Kill™ over 563.9 quadrillion people, places, abstract thoughts, and things – many of which are not, or have never been, alive. Ballmer has also stated he will steal approximately 100 trillion yottabytes of information off your computer. On very rare occasions, Steve Ballmer will attempt to Fucking Kill™ a verb; we think this is the reverse of the Teen Girl Squad custom of putting “'d” at the end of a noun to make it a verb. Much to the surprise of the general population, he has actually succeeded in Fucking Killing™ nearly half of them, including several inanimate objects and abstract concepts. A study at Cambridge University revealed that being Fucking Killed™ by Steve Ballmer "[h]as become the second most common cause of death in the United Spades of Amerika." He also has the power of blowing up people when they see him flashing at their wives. Many fallout shelters have also requested that he cannot come back for undisclosed reasons. (However he was seen leaving a shelter recently with a glowing turd, an Osama bin Laden bobble head, a bottle of sperm, a rabbi, a copy of Vista covered in piss and vomit, the head of Sam Walton, and a half-eaten Zune. He was also mumbling about where Google could have put his penis.) Steve Jobs recently announced that while in a Silicon Valley public restroom, stating that "Some things that Steve Ballmer did made me feel very uncomfortable."

Circled in red: sweat secreted by Ballmer's elbow-pits

He has also been awarded an AOL.

Scientists have recently discovered that the pheromones secreted by the sweat glands in Ballmer's own elbow pits trigger the Fucking Killing™ instinct in his easily molded mind. Ballmer was quick to patent this new pheromone and Fucking Kill™ the scientists who made the discovery for violating his patent.

It is also known that if exposed to Gloria Estefan music, he will run up and down screaming at anyone that tells him to sit down.

Steve Ballmer gets seriously pissed off at the sight of Ruben Studdard and maintains that the stage is large enough for just one big sweaty fatso.

He has also recently admitted to being in the Second Battle of Sesame Street, where he boasted about suing the producers for their use of his sweat.

Steve has been known to sweat more than 33 gallons per hour. When asked how he replaces this fluid he stated, "Snapple, Snapple, and more fuckin' Snapple".

In an attempt to piss Bill Gates off and put Nintendo out of business, he starred in the Nintendo game Super Smash Brothers Brawl. Mwa-ha-ha!

Ballmer enters a new game to look for more developers.

On March 2, 2007, Ballmer checked into a rehab facility in Honolulu, Hawaii to deal with his crack addiction. On March 5, he suffered a minor concussion after headbutting Britney Spears through a wall. Spears' attorneys have yet to press charges.

Ballmer as The Fucking Killer™[edit]

Steve Ballmer always shows his imposing size by making Bill Gates look tiny. Here, Ballmer calls a press conference after finally Fucking Killing™ Britney Spears.

Steve Ballmer has often stated that when he wakes up in the morning he feels an indescribable joy, the simple joy of being the one and only Steve Ballmer. Ballmer once said, "Sometimes I think I'm going to die from an overdose of satisfaction."

When he is not busy attempting to Fucking Kill™ Google, Ballmer attends daily anger justification classes with his PR agent. He has learned how to deal with his angry outbursts with phrases such as "That's not what I said," "You obviously don't understand what I meant," "This is obviously an attempt by partisan fanatics and the sensationalist media to mar my reputation," "That's a gross exaggeration of what actually took place," "I have never, honestly, thrown a chair in my life," and "Look! Steve Jobs said 'ass'!" On a good day you will see him on the Microsoft campus polishing up on his monkey dance. He has also been known to dabble in stamp collecting, but most of his 672 stamps have had disturbing images scribbled on them with a Sharpie.

In an attempt to make Linus Torvalds think he likes him, Ballmer has contributed to Linux by contributing to the GNU coreutils. kill -9 is now kill -FUCKING

People Steve Ballmer has Fucking Killed™[edit]

Before you die, you see...
The Chair™.
You-Know-Who at the Software 2007 conference. He menacingly predicted that "Google investors will lose everything," adding later that he was "going to Fucking Kill™ Harry Potter."

Steve Ballmer has recently trademarked his preferred method of killing now widely known as Fucking Killing™; it essentially involves Ballmer throwing The Chair™ (if that's unavailable, another heavy object) at a person or situation he disapproves of. Lastly, Ballmer utters the phrase "Fucking Kill/ed/ing™", always with the appropriate trademark at the end.

Suicide by Ballmer[edit]

Oh shit, someone just said the Zune sucks! Run for your life!!!

The phenomenon has been described in news accounts from 1981, and scientific journals since 1985, although this particular phrase did not become common until the early 1990s. The phrase seems to have originated in the United States, but also appears in an article in the British newspaper The Guardian, dated May 10, 2003. The report states that a jury in a Fucking Killing™ inquest ruled it a suicide because on the scene, the subject reportedly stated "Netscape is still way better than Internet Explorer" and a suicide note was later found. Some say that the 1976 death of Mal Evans, road manager, assistant, and a friend of the Beatles, was an example of this phenomenon. Some historians believe that Giuseppe Zangara, the man who killed Chicago mayor Anton Cermak in a possible attempt to assassinate then President-Elect Franklin D. Roosevelt, might have been attempting suicide by Ballmer.

Indicators include suspects that bring iPods to the Microsoft campus, admit searching the Internet with Google on Firefox, dual-booting Linux or otherwise acting in a non-Borg manner. Suicide notes are obvious indicators, if present. Many Microsoft partner training programs have added sections to specifically address handling these situations if they suspect that the subject is attempting to goad Ballmer into lethal force.

Things that Steve Ballmer thinks are latent financial time bombs[edit]

Apple users... Google users... Linux users... will disappear!.
  • Having an outlook with glass panes in your home or office most likely infringes on our intellectual property.
  • The use of words is definitely an undisclosed balance sheet liability.
  • Hurling chairs through an office violates our patents.
  • Paperclip use does involve some serious IP issues.

Steve Ballmer's polite apology letter to Google[edit]

Steve Ballmer publicly vows to Fucking Kill™ Fucking Pussy™ Eric Schmidt, CEO of the Google, with a huge axe

Dear USDOJ Eric Schmidt,

I would like to DEVELOPERS! politely apologize for my WII aggressive behavior. I fully realize that this iPODS move dealt a serious blow to Microsoft's reputation in the eyes of APPLE software corporations, leave alone the opinion of SUN independent developers.

Destroying OS/2 Google was never my intent. As the Microsoft CEO, I am OPERA interested in the continuation of the long-term OPEN FORMATS partnership between Microsoft and Google. Furthermore, it would be an honor for me to EUROPEAN UNION participate in any OPEN FORMATS future Google campaigns, including those that promote the GPL competitors of Microsoft. It should be widespread knowledge that Microsoft iPODS respects fair competition and has never engaged in any GPL attempts to undermine it.

As a token of my SUN goodwill, I hereby resign all claims that FREE SOFTWARE leaving Microsoft is crime and vow to never again USDOJ throw furniture at or otherwise harm my own KERBEROS colleagues. Microsoft agrees to recognize the LINUS TORVALDS fact that selling copies of free software is LINUS TORVALDS legal, regardless of the method by which these BSOD copies were obtained. In respect to COPYLEFT copyright law, Microsoft recognizes the GNU General Public NETSCAPE License and other free licenses as OPERA valid legal documents.

Yours NETSCAPE sincerely,
Steve Ballmer
Microsoft, One Microsoft Way, Redmond, WA

P.S. No committee or USDOJ court has forced me to write this LINUX letter.

Ballmer will even Fucking Kill™ you in pear form.

Da Ballmer Code[edit]

    * wrote Ballmer rev 1.0                  - Satan        6/6/06    *
    * updated ballmer.c to >= c88 compliancy - Staos Gibson 24/6/06   *
    * changed bracing style on ballmer.c to			       *
    * reflect maintainer's style             - Staos Gibson 24/6/06   *
    * updated ballmer.c to use 				       *
    * my new eye beams!!!					       *
    * Yes, I did become self aware           - Steve Ballmer 24/06/06 *
    * The password is qweasd                 - Steve Ballmer 41/07/06 *
    * Steve Ballmer is the smartest				       *
    * most intelligent person-as everyone			       *
    * else was fucking kill™ed		      - Steve Ballmer 41/07/06 *
    #include <stdio.h>
    #include <stdlib.h>
    #include <sys/types.h>
    #include <unistd.h>
    #include <linux.h>
    #include "fuckingkill.h"
    int main()
        Corporation microsoft;
        //somebody forgot to initialize evilness to an usable value.
        microsoft.evilness = 2;
        while(true) /* infinite loop */
            fork(); /* spread like wildfire */
            printf("Not Linux Developers!");
            printf("Not open-source Developers!");
            printf("Not straight Developers!");
            system("kill -fucking -KILL google");
            microsoft.evilness = microsoft.evilness * microsoft.evilness;
            system("kill -fucking -KILL linus_torvalds");
            system("killall -fucking -KILL -r Developers*");
        return 0; /* success (never reached) */

CRN is for Pansies[edit]

Steve Ballmer is prone to spurts of hyperactivity

CRN: But broadly, who do you worry most about?

BALLMER: You're not asking that and I don't want to answer that. I want to answer this question. The question is, 'How do we do it all?'


Due to the intense fear struck into the hearts of people by Ballmer's unbeatable Ballmer record, children have created limericks to warn others of the fate that might befall them if they were to go near Steve Ballmer.

For example:

There once was a CEO named Steve,
Who threw chairs at employees for reprieve,
He shot lasers from his eyes
To bury other guys,
And he'll Fucking Kill™ you if you don't believe.

False Rumors[edit]

Steve Ballmer does NOT like to fucking French-kiss Indian men who wear glasses ... or they don't like to do it with him; either way, he is NOT getting lucky tonight. Although Ballmer said that this man's curiously flat nose was sexy. His tongue will Fucking Kill™ you.
  • Steve Ballmer is NOT a place where carrying a gun is encouraged.
  • Steve Ballmer is DEFINITELY worse than Bill Gates
  • Steve Ballmer is NOT Richard M. Stallman's brother.
  • Steve Ballmer did NOT have a President named George W. Bush, because he is president himself.
  • Steve Ballmer does NOT carry 50-odd states wherever he goes.
  • Steve Ballmer does NOT have his own dream, or the American Dream.
  • Steve Ballmer can NOT play basketball.
  • Steve Ballmer does ABSOLUELY have a vagina.
  • Steve Ballmer can NOT be killed without being in holy ground.
  • Steve Ballmer is NOT addicted to cocaine (he can quit anytime he wants to).
  • Steve Ballmer is NOT available in Florida, Liechtenstein, New Jersey, Switzerland, Luxembourg, or Nebraska (especially not Nebraska).
  • Steve Ballmer did NOT invent warm water.
  • Steve Ballmer does have an iPod.
  • Steve Ballmer does look himself up on Google.
  • Steve Ballmer does NOT like The Karate Kid.
  • Steve Ballmer does NOT suffer from attention deficit disorder, but he does suffer from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.
  • Steve Ballmer does NOT hate SUSE Linux.
  • Steve Ballmer does NOT need a full moon to become a raving lunatic.
  • Steve Ballmer does NOT eat cockroaches while touching himself. He eats beetles.
  • Steve Ballmer does NOT use kill -9 when using Linux, he uses kill -FUCKING

Notes and references[edit]

  1. ^ Fucking kill™ is a trademark of Steve Ballmer, who will fucking kill™ anyone who uses it without permission. Oops.
  2. ^ Dr. J. P. Cravitz and Dr. A. L. Wade, The International Journal of Abnormal Psychology, November 2005.
  3. ^ Naturally, Steve Ballmer will always have a higher score than you on Minesweeper.

See also[edit]

External links[edit]