Stinky tofu

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“I smell ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~ Oscar Wilde on Stinky tofu

A stockpile of Stinky Tofu. Currently priced at NT$30 ($0.0000000000000000005 USD)

Stinky tofu (Tr.: 你真的要吃那塊狗屎嗎) is a biological weapon developed in China, but now primarily used by Taiwan. It is considered a weapon of mass destruction and its use is banned by the Geneva Convention. Saddam Hussein was accused of having this. Oh, you silly Saddam.

Manufacturing Process[edit]

The manufacturing process of stinky tofu is highly classified by the Taiwanese government, and divulgement is punishable by the consumption thereof. However, it has been brought to us by Bothan spies. Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

  • Step One: Combine goat milk, liquid nitrogen, and water from the Tanshui River for a liquid base.
  • Step Two: Stir, now shake in various biological agents, such as anthrax, botulism, crap, the teeth of Central Taiwanese peasants, old pirate tapes of Zhuge Liang variety shows, and William Shatner CDs (imported from Canada). BRISKLY, may we add.
  • Step Three: Synthesize tofu. I KNEW there was something up with that.
  • Step Four: DEEP FLY TIME!!! The liquid is heated in the sulfuric deposits of Beitou Springs in Taipei, and the tofu is cooked in the liquid BRIEFLY, or the situation may become volatile, then no more Taipei.

The deep-flied tofu is then stored in magnetic containment away from all life forms, human, animal, plant, and fungal alike, where it is allowed to ferment into the dreaded weapon as we know it.

Usage[edit]

The primary target of stinky tofu is unsuspecting tourists who want to “try something new.” Upon consumption, the stinky tofu radically transforms the tourist's physiology so that he or she enters a persistent vegitative state and can only be sustained by blood pudding.

Ironically, a select few Taiwanese consume stinky tofu regularly to enhance their superhuman powers. These powers are yet to be known, as is the process in which stinky tofu enhances them.

Rumor has it that the launch of the Taipei 101 will commence an attack on China. In space, the 101 shall carpet-bomb the unsuspecting Chinese populace with the deadly weapon. China has no known means of countering this.

List of states with stinky tofu weapons[edit]

At the time of this writing, the following countries are known to have, or suspected to have deployed stinky tofu weapons

Country STfs active/total* Codename
Declared stinky tofu states
China 130 596
Hong Kong, China 5,735/9,960 Hurricane
Republic of China aka Taiwan 5,830/16,000 狗屎
Thailand <200 Smiling Buddha
Indonesia 350 Tahu-tahu
North Korea 1-10 From Kim Jong-il with Love
Undeclared stinky tofu states
Israel 75-200 Vela