Stock Market

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“Really...we're going into a recession?”

~ Captain Oblivious on the stock market

“I'm tired of all these ups and downs”

~ Tamia

“Really...we're going into a recession?”

~ George W. Bush on the stock market

“A nation can survive its fools, and even the ambitious. But it cannot survive Stock Market from within. An enemy at the gates is less formidable, for he is known and carries his banner openly. But Stock Market moves amongst those within the gate freely, Stock Market's sly whispers rustling through all the alleys, heard in the very halls of government itself. For Stock Markets appears not a traitor; Stock Markets speaks in accents familiar to his victims, and wears their face and their arguments, Stock Markets appeals to the baseness that lies deep in the hearts of all men. Stock Market rots the soul of a nation, works secretly and unknown in the night to undermine the pillars of the city, infects the body politic so that it can no longer resist. A murderer is less to fear. Stock Markets is the plague.”

~ Marcus Tutilius Cicero on Stock Market

“In Soviet Russia, stocks buy you!”

~ Oscar Wilde on the stock market


~ Vegeta's scouter on the Dow Jones Industrial Average

Dramatic crash of the NYSE Dow index on Black Thursday, 1929...occurred again on September 15. 2008. Apparently, Republicans haven't learned their lesson!

The Stock Market (1609 - September 30th, 2008) was any market in which stocks are bought, sold, traded or pilfered for use in the punishment and public humiliation industry. Over the years, the actual physical exchange of stock has been replaced by a system in which pieces of paper representing stocks change hands, making the process much more efficient and lighter, and incidentally allowing the entire process to take place on a giant dirigible. The stock market is run by an international Leprachaun conspiracy--much like banks, the Council for Foreign Affairs, and the Pirate Monarchy.

The Stock Market Crash of 1929[edit]

It's raining stockbrokers! A common sight in every crash as dozen of them commit suicide.

The Stock Market was hovering peacefully over the Baltimore-DC area on October 29th, 1929, when terrorists allegedly hired by Kirby fired a rocket propelled grenade at it's vent core, triggering a proton phase thrust destabilization, which lead to a spectacular chain reaction that caused the entire market to burst into flames and plummet to the ground, killing Over 9000! people and wounding thirty, not to mention the hundreds of stock-brokers that rained from the sky as their doomed market went into free-fall, doing untold property damage when they crashed through roofs below. This, among other things, is alleged to have lead to the Great Depression. This tragic event would ultimately signal the end of the era known as the Roaring Twenties only two months before 1930...or at least 78 days, or 9.5674895 weeks or two menstrual periods.


Herbert Hoover was accused of staging the event in order to start a war on terror, and was quickly voted out of office. He was later pardoned 79 years after his death for unfortunately being such an ass. As people started working again, due to the lack of boredom, the depression was over in less than 113 years, then came Vietnam War. Everybody is in the market! ...well, not everybody, just everyone who wears a tie. This common practice came from the effectiveness after the 1929 Wall Street Crash after many who hadn't jumped, hanged themselves with their ties instead. The market was eventually bought by Satan in November 31st 1666 and was maintained by the spawn of Shia LaBeouf.


A normal day at the stock market.
Since birth, stockbrokers are trained to the peak of preformence in the market.

After the near-destruction of Brazil by the high paper demands created by the stock markets, most of the world's exchanges were reorganised onto computers. This allowed people to trade with numbers, instead of bits of paper. Ideally, these numbers keep getting bigger although on occasion they do get smaller. A common criticism of the market levied by both traders and non-traders alike is that it is absolutely looney, and rarely has any connection to real life. The invention of the Video game saw some companies and investors lose their money to single middle-aged kids playing in their mother's basement who had by pure chance found an additional level in Donkey Kong that allowed them to invest in Microsoft, along with other companies. The U.S. Government and John F. Kennedy soon published a bill that stoped a users of video games to hold the future of America's Ecomony in their hands. As a reward, each law-abiding citizen would get a free life-time pass to Hooters.


During the late 1990s, everyone was happy and gay. Then a guy name Hitler Bush got the numerous vote for his ass, yet zero votes for himself. Yet, God, Micheal Jackson, and The Cookie Monster all backed Bush up saying that vote for his buttocks counted as for him entirely. Al Gore George Bush won the 2000 election, and his first motion of his time in office was to Fuck off Road-Trip across America. Meanwhile, in Wall Street, everyone was buying stocks like crazy. Until Sept. 11, the day people went shopping with their families just because Bush said so. The stocks fell so much, we would need a graph as long as your mortgage to show you how much was lost. And gained back two days later, yet the stocks continued to fall. See next paragraph for details

The Downturn of 2008[edit]

Once the stock markets failed, investors started looking for alternatives.

In the last reigning year of King George Bush the III, the stockbrokers of the Mighty Empire of Money Bags questioned their leader's ability to control their nervous economy and why the fuck aren't as rich as they used to be (this complaint shortly happened after Lil Jon was put #1 on the Forbes Richest, Filthiest, Scumbags in the World's List). King George gave a speech about this matter nine months later, the amount of time when a serious problem come out or is born. In the speech, he proposed a $700 Billion plan to help the stock market so that the investors wouldn't realize that the bailout wasn't going to do a fucking thing to help. [1]

See also[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Stock Market.