Stonelaw high school

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Stonelaw High School
Motto "If there's one thing this life should teach you, it's to avoid trouble just say nothing. Don't rock the boat. Don't even get in the boat! Just buy some ice cream and walk around the pier. But don't go in the bathrooms; they're filthy!"
Established Not Yet.
School type Brick-coloured, with a hint of mauve.
Principal A Grue
Location Glasgow, Scotland.
Mascot Dr Baloori
The Random Hole in the Floor, i'm sure it was designed for midgets to drop their payload of lemon juice and snot on unsuspecting seniors.
File:Bfly stonelaw.jpg
This picture was supposedly taken in the school... yea, right. A fucking butterfly, in Stonelaw?

High Schools were a 20th century invention whose sole purpose was to keep older children busy while mum and dad go off to work so they can own a bigger SUV than the Joneses.

In reality and in certain political circles, this "education" is referred to as Advanced Day Care as students are forced to learn boring concepts (which they will never again reference for the rest of their lives) by rote in much the same way a two-year-old is repeatedly told to "go play".

The only distinction is that these places of education offer drugs as a temporary relief from all the drudgery and inanity, hence the name high school.


The reason as to why adolescents attend university is uncertain. The common, general response, proposed by laymen (who should be looked down upon with great condescension) who have yet to complete their own high school education considers a motive that would fit well with the definition of education: to attain greater knowledge and understanding of our world and our place in it.

Most high school scholars would say that's bullshit. Scholars agree, in fact, that the purpose of high school is merely to delay entrance to universities by six years.


A teacher is a person whose occupation involves brainwashing, corrupting, raping and destroying otherwise useful braincells. In recent years the profession has been growing in both notoriety and, surprisingly, number. This is largely credited to the ads on television which show it as a lucrative and fun-filled profession. What a misconception! To combat these ads, a privately-owned company called Leave Education Attempts and Reading to the Nerds, or LEARN, has been born. In response to LEARN, teachers have implemented a system known as "sad", which states that after working for a certain period of time, a teacher can do whatever he or she wishes. It remains to be seen how the public will respond to the growing sense of anti-Teacherism.

Some Common Teachers[edit]

The Hottie[edit]

Fresh from university, this gorgeous specimen of humanity is rarely aware of the effect she can have on a class. The subvert power-play that ensues for the front seat each lesson, the competition to be first to compliment her on her hair, hat, tight blouse or flower, her ability to silence the class by leaning over her books while standing up, all apparently pass her by. On her last day, this can often escalate into a fight to touch her amazingly firm breasts, invariably won by a student known only as Hellwig. If someone in your class is named Hellwig, kill them immediately. She doesn't even notice this, continuing to believe only the best in people. If the class in question is college, however, the year might culminate in sex during recess and lunch, which accounts for 50% of the last-week 'absences.' The other 50% are:

  1. People who don't know what 'gangbang' means and therefore sit in the library looking through the dictionary and then moan in longing when they find the word
  2. People who aren't cool enough (poor kids)
  3. Gay people
  4. Those locked in lockers to prevent them getting let in on the fun.

The Lecher[edit]

This fat, ugly old man who is second assistant-deputy-vice trainer for the football and rowing teams, which essentially means he fills up drink bottles and ogles while the hottest boys are in the school shower. Generally single and frequently still living with "family members," he may also live on campus and be in charge of making boarders' beds.

Strangely, this man never targets female students, perhaps fearing the lack of penis. Indeed, this is the leading cause for gays of all ages to avoid girls.

The Over-Enthusiast[edit]

This man is, to say the least, enthusiastic. The kind of teacher who rings each student individually (on their mobiles) and reminds them to watch a documentary on DNA molecules that he forgot to remind them about in class earlier that day. His classes are often heard at the other end of the corridor as he shouts and yells: "Now pick up the hamster and place it in the microwave!!! Fascinating the way that it flies, isn't it?!"

The Pretender[edit]

This Teacher is your best friend, he smiles at the class, makes funny jokes and pretend to be friendly. On the other hand he is really evil, when he leaves the classroom he immediately changes his attitude towards the class and tell the other Teachers how bad the class is. But some day this fact can be evidentially proofed by some words which came out of his mouth. So now you are Aware to this kind of teacher, take Care. There are no proofed facts of the vision of this kind of teacher. This kind is as dangerous as the Leacher.

The Under-Enthusiast[edit]

This is usually the one on the road to retirement. They spend all their time talking about their third wife and about how they went to Vietnam and about their children and about the food in the cafeteri and about the decline of western civilization... just about everything you don't care about. If and when they bother to actually give the class you will probably be asleep or insane, if you ask a question, they'll likely point to the book. They really don't care at all what is said about them because they have lost their faith in mankind.

The Senile[edit]

This teacher should have retired ten years ago. If she is a woman, she still dresses like Laura Ingalls Wilder. The Senile will lose your homework, mix up the test grades, forget to mark you present, and call you by names like "George" and "Betty," names that belong to no one in the class. This teacher is often seen wandering aimlessly about the school when they aren't teaching English (the coveted position of Seniles everywhere), wondering what so many children are doing in a school. Seniles are always in charge of running detention but forget to write down the names of those who showed up. Nothing the Senile forgets is their problem but always your fault. It's part of their tenure.

The "You are Wrong"[edit]

Asking a simple question he gets the class split into factions fighting each other over who is right. He gets you researching on the wrong paths and learning wrong stuff only at end of the class he points out the question had no answer. Sometimes a shared trait of the "senile" this type of teacher rants about how bad the book is and how all other teachers are stupid. Seeing that his way is the only way, that he knows best, he will overcomplicate the most simple tasks and will not accept anything but his answer, which ever it might be at that moment. Impossible assignments are common, don't even bother taking the test... your best bet is just to suck up to him.

The Fell-Back[edit]

This teacher did not want to be a teacher but had to "fall back" on the job when their other dreams fell flat. The Fell-Back will blame you for their own sorry life and make your own life a living hell. They are easily identifiable by their horns and pointy tails as well as the bag of broken dreams they carry over their shoulder. Not all Fell-Backs carry pitchforks.

The Personality[edit]

This teacher often has his or her own set of sayings that drive the class crazy. This person likes to believe he or she is very unique and interesting. However amusing he or she may be, one thousand repititions of "Sit, ooboo, sit!" or "That's special for Neville Chamberlain" just get tiring. However, there are those smart-alecky kids who aspire to be this teacher, and you are STRONGLY advised to stay as far away as possible from the smart-alecks and the Personality.

Your Teacher[edit]

This person would much rather instruct your class to play games on their mobiles than spend time and energy teaching. Often an alcoholic or sex offender.

See Also[edit]

This page is a piece of crap. The author acknowledges this fact.