Stop 'n' Swop

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“STOP N SWAP?! You mean with the stoppin' an' the swoppin' an' da eggz an' da bird 'n the bear an' da secrets 'n' the rap muzak, givin' 'em those SECRET PRIZES!!?!”

~ Bill Cosby on Stop 'n' Swop

“I know what Stop 'n' Swop is, and there's no way you can find out, 'cuz I ain't gonna t - HEY! Who posted my secret self-reminder on how to complete Stop 'n' Swop to ... "Uncyclomapoedia"?!?”

~ AAA on Stop 'n' Swop

“We sell insurance, sir ... we don't really know what a "Flop 'n' Chop" is.”

~ AAA Insurance Agency on Stop 'n' Swop

“OMG STFU N00B STOP AND SWUP IS STILL DERE EVN THO RAER SAY IT WUZ DROPPED IT MUST B THAR U R A IDIUT LOLZ!!1!”

~ A truly depressing number of people on Stop 'n' Swop

“I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you, and we couldn't show that in a game with this rating. Put it out of your mind and think happy thoughts! Thanks for your social security number, you *****!”

~ Bottles telling you about Stop 'n' Swop on Banjo Threeie

“...”

~ A mime on Stop 'n' Swop

Stop 'n' Swop is a hidden "feature" in the game Banjo-Kazooie for the Nintendo 64. This feature is believed by most to have no function remaining in the game, and has been investigated by self-proclaimed hacking 'geniuses', who have now found tons of other mostly worthless crap but no way to get the farking thing to work. Too bad they don't know the real method ...

Method of Activation[edit]

The only real way to activate Stop 'n' Swop is to do the following in the order provided. Skipping any step or making the slightest mistake will cause Pac-Man to win Miss America, thereby causing a time paradox and forcing the universe to implode. So for the love of all things dim and ugly, DON'T MESS THIS UP.

  1. Power on your N64 with Banjo-Kazooie in the game slot. (NOTE: Do NOT confuse the built-in toaster with the game slot.)
  2. Get Banjo to the sandcastle in Treasure Trove Cove (the place with the giant enemy crab and the gastrointestinally-challenged hippo).
  3. Use the beak-slam move to enter the complete lyrics to "Albuquerque" by "Weird Al" Yankovic 16 times on the letter panels on the floor.
  4. Now turn off the main circuit breaker for your house, apartment, and/or prison compound, remove the cartridge, and put in "Banjo-Tooie".
  5. Turn the power back on and listen to a first-edition 7-inch vinyl recording of "Dracula Yodels to Famous Gangster Films" using the nearest DVD player.
  6. Once the record is done playing and you have extinguished the flames put out by the DVD player, go back to the N64, pull out the Banjo-Tooie cart, and smash it with a large hammer.
  7. Find a pair of 27" radial bicycle tires and wrap them around your body, then put "Donkey Kong's Psychedelic Soap Adventure in the Wonderful World of Prescription Medicines" in the N64's 6th controller port.
  8. For the final step, engage the hyperdrive on the N64 and wait while it does a lap around the known universe.

If all is done correctly, Stop 'n' Swop will now be complete. Congratulations! Read about what this overrated feature does below.

Effects[edit]

Completing the above Stop 'n' Swop procedure correctly will result in you having access to Banjo-Kazooie's hidden multiplayer mode, 12,999 secret levels made entirely out of various frozen foods, a secret alternate-ending cutscene in which Bottles the mole reveals he is actually Banjo's father and disowns him, another secret alt-ending scene in which Grunty the witch is Banjo's mother AND father, an alt-ending scene for Banjo-Tooie in which Kazooie gets a Playboy deal, A complimentary copy of "Cujo Meets the Cat in the Hat" on Blu-Ray and Poo-Ray DVD, complete access to the NASA mainframe, all of the CIA's secret government files, and every forum user's password from every forum that ever existed, ever. Even the ones held in ancient Greece when people actually met face-to-face to discuss things. Primitive looniespoorahhhhhhhh

Functionality[edit]

Because hacking the game could not reveal the step in the procedure involving the "Dracula" record, the so-called 'experts' could not find out how to complete Stop and/or Swop despite their best efforts. However, the part with the Albuquerque lyrics should have been made obvious to them ages ago. Maybe they're just like the government and like to cover that sort of top-secret stuff up.

People who have successfully completed Stop 'n' Swop[edit]

The only person known to have ever successfully completed Stop 'n' Swop was AAA who, being the greatest video game player ever, said it was "too simple, and should have been harder to figure out." He described the experience of witnessing its effects as "A little like stabbing myself with a rubber ferret." Not even he knows what this means.

Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts[edit]

With the recent release of Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts, this feature has been re-implemented in Banjo-Kazooie as a slightly easier to use and slightly functional version of its former glory - the method is actually the same as before, except that you must replace all instances of "Nintendo 64" with "XBox 360," replace "Donkey Kong's Psychedelic Soap Adventure in the World of Prescription Medicines" with "Welcome to Alcatraz, Charlie Brown," and add the step of recreating the entire facade of It's a Small World at Disneyland out of paint chips and facial hair after completing all other steps in the process. Unfortunately, rather than access to all the goodies detailed above, it now only gives you access to some lame car parts. VIRTUAL car parts. Meaning you can't pimp out your Volvo with them as expected and previously promised by Rare.