Straight edge

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“sXephil he's not sexy sXephil he's sXe.”

~ The average 12 year old girl on sXephil

“Alcohol? Drugs? Pfffft I prefer to play WoW in my bedroom on a Friday night”

~ Mark Mullins, average straight edge teen on Straight Edge
For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Straight edge.

Straight Edge is a teenage craze started by four churchgoers in AD 1946 who shaved their hair into mohicans for charity. They then started a rock band called the "Straight Edged Nazis". The local Jews found the word "Nazi" to be offensive, so they were forced to change their band name, "or else". They are now a bunch of old crusties preaching a message of wine, women, and song. Since that message was old fashioned and uncool, they have today re-marketed their message as "Straight Edge", meaning "No Booze, No drugs, No Child Porn". being a straight edge involves giving up fun of any kind in the belief that it ruins your life and causes you to work in McDonalds. sXe's willl oftten try to make fun of those who can still enjoy their life but fail miserably due to the fun involved in taking the urine out of someone. people who follow straight edge can be seen with X's written across their hands, being touched by grown men or on Playstation network playing GTA IV a game which, ironically features everything these people are against. straight edge may lead people to turn against their cultural beliefs, causing the irish to be sober, the british to not shout swearwords excessively at complete strangers because they look different and the french to actually remain in a fight or global conflict of any sort.

The fans are nevertheless a vicious lot, and will beat up eggs for breakfast. Here what one of them has to say, in their own words:--

The best way to describe Straight Edge is that is the closest thing a non nazi punk can get to being real asshole. Straight Edge are punks that only wikipedia could have created. They dont chase girls, making babies, sugar coated cornflakes, do anything bad. Come to think of that they dont offer anything to world either. Straight Edge is often shortened to sXe. Proberly due to lack stimulants to the brain. If you call a sXe person SEXY, they get pissed off, and act like a religious fanatic

needless to say you must be crazy to follow this cult of ithyphallophobic, teetotal, mindless skater zombies (or maybe you really are quite boring)

History of sXe[edit]

The main thing about straight egde is that. The movement started in the 16th Century when music manager of the rock band Queen, King Charles I decide to move into punk rock music with the band Sigue Sigue Sputnik. However the bumkin puritan & King basher Oliver Cromwell started his own movement to counter this crazy phenomenon. At first sXe was quite tollerant to women in mosh pits at the shows, but Cromwell realised the ladies kept complaining of getting groped, he labelled them all witches. Cromwell made forces with Vincent Price the number one witch hunter and serious kicked the witches asses and fed them steamed vegetables as punishment. And the King`s ass too, he dressed like a girl, pink lace and all. At the end of the Great British War of SxE, in 1986 whiches were official renamed lesbians to avoid persecution. Then sXe spread across Europe in the 1820s, and this German guy named Hitler was at a sXe punk show in Spain with his mate Franceso, when they got asked to leave the club, apparently they didn't know the rules about "alcohol". So after returning to Germany, Hitler then blew the shit out of the club using his new invention called the aeroplane, then little known artist Picasso, was like "yeah bunch of cry babies" and photographed the wholething. Fact. Anyway sometime during WW2, the sXe scene got really gay and now they will only accept women who are lesbians. And now the world is completely sane and beautiful.

Straight Edge, the music that ruined San Francisco! But not really, the faggots did that.

Alternatives to sXe[edit]

Many young punk too lazy to try drugs, or they just fancy the idea of being an asshole in a uniform dont know of any alternatives to sXE. If you like helping the community but too scared to to murder postal workers or abortionists with homemade bombs try instead dressing up like Mr.T and encourage young kids to drink more milk. If you insist they drink vegan milk, you are an vegan who know fuck all about youth culture.


Straight Edge Cultists are really higher(lower?) functioning forms of the emo parasite. This is part of their effort to confuse the world so we are all as confused as them. A typical exchange with an 'sXe' personal may go like this:

You: Greetings delusional youth!
Kid: (Extinguishing cigar) You're the same age as me; I'm nonconformist!
You: You whine like my 10-year-old sister and wear the same clothes/makeup
Kid: I'm straight Edge! (As if by some magicical calling, similarly dressed individuals come out of the woodwork; we'll refer to them as clowns.)
Clowns (together): We're nonconformist!
You: You all wear the same clothing/makeup and have no differentition between genders. Plus, you people don't look like rulers.
Clowns: We're sXe and each of us have our own thoughts, we're not emo
You: You dress the same, you act the same, you cut the same; what's the difference?
Clowns: We don't use drugs, drink juice, or pose for child porn!
You: (noticing the still smoking cigar) You remind me of the other culture fad, goth.
Clowns: Goths want to kill everybody, we only want to kill ourselves and not add to the population.
You: Apparently ya'll haven't been too successful; keep trying.
Clowns: (Clearly defeated, they vanish into thin air)

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