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a native stratfordian

Stratford is located about 40 minutes from nowhere, 12 minutes from over there and approximatley 3 hours from wellington. it is pretty much the shit hole of its region, guaharakuwhanhangui. It is in a prime real estate spot. What gives the property its value is the Mt. Taranaki which generates terrible weather and high winds (up to 600km/h) just to piss everyone in stratford off, while the relatives from new plymouth brag about how lovley the weather is 'down by them'. Stratford, aside from bieng in the prime of the real estate market, is also the most slope filled town in the province. Everything is built at a 32 degree angle from horizontal, also just to piss you off. This makes driving very difficult and visiting other towns may induce vomiting and severe disorentation- making things seem set 90 degrees the opposite way.


It has a population of 3% of national population.. which is close to 4.67 people, 9000 bulls, 1.5 million pregnant sheep, 900 thousand kittens used for huffing, and a few lost chinese people carrying lizards and disease. Most sheep would have you believe that the town is much large and fun filled than it actually seems. In truth, they are right. from their perspective, free sex, grass and mud is all they want. they even get shaved when they want to! but from a human perspective, there isnt much to do except blow stuff up and make a fool of yourself dancing in a pizza-hut hat and a costume made of rubber tubing.

stratfords only claim to fame is this.. thing


Stratford, New Zealand was founded in 1378 when King Bon Bon Cheese Doper sailed across the Indian Ocean and onto NZ soil. He dubbed this town 'Stratford' which comes from the Clingon word 'Graashiinopleaa!' which means, suprisingly, 'I want weed and more cheese'. Wheather or not he actually meant to dubb this town that name is debatable, but it is certanly the first thing recorded that he said upon arrival. Soon after his regime over this area was ended by his son, Prince choo-choo ga ga the 9th, the area began to undergo a period of peaceful neglect where the asians were shipped in crates and boxes over to populate the area (not unlike rabbits) so Prince Choo-Choo gaga would have some sort of a population to love and adore him. then once the Asians were the majority of the population, he exterminated them and replaced them with more crate-loads of Chocolate labradors. However, In his written accounts he is quoted 'Damith! Theis dogths downt lithen to anythingk! how am i thupposed to rule an unobidienth populathin?' So, hence, he shipped them all back to the USA where the originated in Some Old Bum's back yard. Some Old Bum on his labs '*hesitates*.. what dogs?" From then on Prince CHoo Choo gaga imported the british to be his little minions. and he lived prosperiously and comfortably while abusing the legal system and exploiting the elderly into heavy tax evasion and cleaning up his crusty old feet.


The 4.67 people that Stratford is home to are a very strange breed. They are a multitude of pedigree bloodlines, including namley: sheep, dogs, cats, nematodes, lizards, chinese homo erectus and an african breed of antelope. This prompted scientists to create a new sub-species of homo erectus called El homo hungry giraffes. Translated from a little known dialect of the black americans called ebonics it means 'they who are hungry, look like giraffes, chew on ectoplasm and barf sandskrit'. it should also be noted that stratford consists of only three types of people- gothes, stoners and the elderly. it is romoured that in the eighteenhundreds bogans used to inhabit practically all of stratford but were unable to survive in the smoggy shithole that is stratty.


As mentioned in the first paragraph, one main form of enternatinment is to wear pizza hut attire and dance in a suit (naked) made of rubber tubing. this can be broken down into a number of smaller and more intricate activities, for instance the making of the suit and hat itself requires the family of the wearer to bend down on their elbows and attempt to lick each others butt-hairs. then, after that ritual is complete, a communal bathing with the crusty elderly and oblivious young takes place with everyone picking their noses and shoving it into the person next to them's ear. another favourite pasttime is the blowing up of stuff. this hardly needs to be described, as im sure you can think if many ways yourself of becoming an pyromaniac.


Stratford is a land of wonder, bliss , angry homicidal maniacs, and the girl next door. One is reccomended to visit upon any desire to travel anywhere in complete incongruity and/or is just looking for a good place to pee. Stratford has many places in which to pee. Not all of them are satisfying though. A good place to pee is in a toilet at your mate's house after getting drunk. anyways, Im getting ahead of myself. Its really a good Shithole wher the real potheeds (how its said by said potheads) like to hang. Come Visit StRaTFoRD!