“Now isn't that sexy?”
“Let there be strawberries!”
“Where am I? Is this London? I need to get to London. No, why would I want a strawberry? I'm trying to get to London.”
“Yes, This is an erection.”
“Strawberry Fields Forever”
“You know you want me...”
“I invented Strawberries and Strawberry Fields.What did Paul invent? Crap, that's what he invented.”
The Strawberry is the fruit God invented to be used during sex. It is often combined with whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and occasionally peanut butter, and is generally considered more sexy than Fruit of the Loom™ underwear. Many famous people have been reported to have used strawberries, and in some cases, to have abused them as well. Bastards. All of what you have read is false.
This is the truth: A brief history of the Strawberry: The strawberry was founded by a German philosopher named Crunch Van Strudel in 1950, in a struggle to survive the Vietnam War the Germans were running low on food, and this great man found the strawberry, the thing that has so many delicious crunchety juicy goodness. Back in 1905 the strawberry family had a father named George, and George was the king of the jungle. This is a tremendous extravaganza because the strawberry is meant to make delicious drinks, and makes flavored c-o-n-d-o-m-s if you know what i mean big boy. After Vietnam, the strawberry population dwindled. However in WWII, a splendiferous flourish in population occured amongst strawberries. The Germans used strawberries to make genetically modified strawberry super-soldiers and they wiped out the Lithuanians in one massive sweep. Lithuanialand is now gone, and nothing remains, thanks to the horrible German strawberry super soldiers.
It is a generally-accepted fact that God created the Garden of Eden, probably in his backyard (the front yard had to remain pristine to preserve His property's resale value). This garden was a big, green, leafy place. He often used it to attract hot people of both sexes. He often liked to experiment with sex, often using various comestibles, including fruit, both as aphrodisiacs and as intercoital snack foods. He had tried several vegetables, but found that He didn't like the feel of cucumbers — too squishy. And so, in His great and infinite power (and knowledge of sex), he created a fruit so perfect, so sweet, so seedy, so SEXY that it could only have been given one name: "Strawberry." This, then, is how the strawberry came to be.
Scientologists believe that the common strawberry is not in fact a humble fruit which evolved here on earth, but in fact small creatures from a galaxy far far away. They believe that they arrived onto the Earth after Xenu came and did all his cool explosive stuff. This raises many questions, because if a race (albeit a small race) of aliens has the technology to travel to earth, then you'd think they wouldn't allow themselves to be farmed and eaten by us. Then again they could be very stupid, which then undermines the whole theory in the first place... Damned Scientologists, can't ever think of proper logical theories!
The Fungi theory
A theory had been put forth once by a very sexually depraved man, that strawberries were a fungi. His theory was first laughed at very loudly by all of his work partners, then it was quickly dismissed. Clearly the sexually depraved man had not only been sexually depraved, but he had never had a strawberry, or used one in sex (see sexual depravity mentioned in earlier part of the sentence).
- Fungi are not sexy
- Strawberries are sexy
- Strawberries cannot be Fungi
Also, it has been commonly accepted that god created the strawberry, because he clearly says so on page 12345 of his autobiography ("Life, the Universe, Myself, and Everything"). Also, at this point if you deny god created the strawberry, you're denying god exists, and in this day and age you just don't do that (for fear of lightning strike; yes, god is a vengful SOB, ask Jesus).
While one partner lies on the bed/couch/table/pooltable/son's bed/beach, the other partner usually takes a strawberry, dips it in chocolate or whipped cream, and slowly lifts it to his or her mouth, rubbing it on his or her body tenderly (and yet also tantalizingly) as it rises. Once it reaches the mouth, it must be licked. The best method of licking is to use the same style with which one might lick a penis, assuming one actually did that sort of thing. Once the strawberry is licked, the holder must bite off a piece, slowly, and then kiss his/her/its partner with the strawberry flavor still in their mouth.
One may also stick the strawberry in various bodily orifices. Normally these are the sort of places where the sun don't shine. This is more common for females, as their partners more often tend to eat the fruit afterwards, unless it's a bit too fishy-tasting. In the case of gay couples, well, they have strawberry-shaped stuff.
The Common Strawberry
As depicted above (MY ABOVE!!! Not yours!!), the strawberry God invented was SEXY. It was this that led to the creation of what is now known as the "common strawberry," formally referred to as "strawberrius non-sexius."
This strawberry came into existence when human beings decided to have strawberries of their own. But God always kept a close, watchful eye on his strawberry tree (since the original strawberries grew on trees). However, a guy named Carl hatched a plan to steal enough of these to plant his own tree. His plan was simple: While he allowed God to rape him, his friend Steve would steal a few strawberries. They knew it had to work, because God never really looked at how many strawberries he had. And it would have worked too, if Steve hadn't been such a fucking idiot (more about Steve later) and botched the job in such a way that God noticed what was going on almost immediately. That's when he got angry. Really, really angry. Once he discovered Carl's little ruse, he attacked Carl's village, in what later became known as "The Battle of Strawberry Fields." It is rumoured that God actually lost this battle, mainly because Chuck Norris had taken a personal interest in the affairs of mortals. After the battle, God went home to the Garden of Eden, where we are also told that his ass hurt quite badly afterwards.
Why Steve is an idiot
Steve was, and is, an idiot mainly because instead of just taking a few strawberries for seed, he thought God would fail to notice that he had chopped down the whole fucking tree, and then dragged it to where the aforementioned battle happened, leaving a trail of sexy for God to follow. Yeah, Steve is such a bloody idiot. Unbelievable...
Strawberries as a drug
During the 1970s, everyone smoked everything, and at one point someone tried to smoke a strawberry. This, of course, failed miserably, and ended in everyone laughing at this person, and him trying to put out the sleeve he managed to light instead of the strawberry, to no avail. His death in the ensuing conflagration meant that no one has even tried smoking a strawberry since then, and to this day no one really knows if you can get intoxicated by smoking one.
One thing we are sure of is that the strawberry is a sex drug. As such, it makes you horny. This is one of the main reasons why it is so popular, mainly because if you give someone enough strawberries, the chance that they will sleep with you goes up. And if they are potent strawberries, the chance of sex happening won't be the only thing going up. Also, it is a known fact that strawberries are a common ingredient in strong date rape drugs.
If it were not for this effect of strawberries, tabloid magazines would quickly run out of material for their articles.
Types of Strawberries
- Original Strawberry: As noted in the rest of the article, it was the first true fruit of sex. Grown to be fruity, seedy, and it loved to be put in various places. It grew on a tree. No one knows exactly what it was like to eat one, or in fact, anything about it, mainly because Steve was an idiot and ruined the tree.
- Common Strawberry: Commonly available in supermarkets in the US and Canada. Typically bright red in color when ripe, with seeds spread externally on the surface of the berry. Favor varies from sweet to tart. Can only be used for sex acts with whip cream, without it, you might as well have it for a family breakfast.
- Mountain Strawberry: Small, yellow, and prone to loud yodeling. Related to the Common Strawberry, but only because of a cousin who married into the family 300 years back.
- Captain Hook Strawberry: Much like the mountain variant, except prone to pirate songs. Upon eating gives you a weird urge compelling you to have gay sex, and weird obsessions with guys in Peter Pan outfits.
- Mexican Strawberry: Actually a euphemism for an unsavory sexual act.The Mexican Strawberry is not an edible food and should not be attempted by amateurs without close supervision and professional training. No seeds. Flavor is bitter, my friend, very bitter. Only available for huge piles of money (American Dollars! We no take other monies!).
- Darryl Strawberry: Only one known to exist, roams unpredictably, mostly in the North American continent. Black in color. Instead of flavor, the Darryl Strawberry contains vast amounts of the mysterious characteristic "flava". Like most inedible strawberries, does not have seeds. Depending on season, may contain dangerous levels of unsafe chemicals. Until recent years was very expensive, but can now be experienced in your home for $20 per fifteen minute increment.
Famous Users of The Strawberry
- Vin Diesel
- Original Jesus
- Harry Potter
- Monica Lewinsky
- Some Guy
- Oscar Wilde
- Johnny Depp
- Jack Sparrow
- Edgar Allan Poe
- Bin Larden
- L Lawliet
^ 1. Yes, I am talking dirty.