The late, great Senator James Strom Thurmond is widely regarded as the blackest man alive, outblacking even such extremely black men as John Shaft, Wesley Snipes, Pat Boone, Chris Rock, Edward Murphy, Harriet Tubman, Snoop "Doggie" Dogg, Bill Clinton, Doctor Martin "Lex" Luthor King Junior, Malcolm X, Oscar Wilde, and David Hasselhoff.
From whence came Strom Thurmond (as he was commonly known), and from whence came his blackness? There are some who believe he bought it at a slave auction. Others believe he caught it while sleeping with his Negro housegirls. The reality is that he was simply born with it. His is a soul drenched in the rich traditions and brilliant sun of ancient Africa, which was incidentally where he bought his slaves from. Through his veins runs the blood of the ancient Pharoahs and the proud Zulu warriors, and he didn't even have to drain that blood from young virgins like everybody keeps saying.
Throughout his long and distinguished career, Senator Thurmond made many great accomplishments, including inventing the musical genres known as Blues, Funk, Gospel, Jazz, Hip-Hop, R&B, and Rock and/or Roll. He made basketball fun to watch, he enriched the English language with many new and colorful words, invented Ebonics and he secretly liberated all of the slaves in the American South with his Grand Funk Railroad. He also once filibustered for twenty four hours about how hard it was to filibuster for twenty-four hours.
After serving in many political positions and in the United States Army during World War II, when he saved his beloved Zimbabwe from Adolf Hitler, Thurmond was elected in 1954 to the Senate of the United States of America, or as he liked to refer to it, the "parliament funkadelic." There he ushered in a new age of peace and brotherhood between all races by banging a black chick, a white chick, and a Filipina chick all at the same time in James Brown's hot tub.
In the 1960s, Senator Thurmond became very active in the Black Panthers, though after journeying to Mecca with Malcolm X he swore to end his violent past and help guide his brothers toward lasting harmony beyond even that which banging hot chicks could provide.
This was something that Oprah Winfrey had sworn to prevent. Oprah had been Thurmond's greatest nemesis during World War II, at one time fighting him to a standstill in a daring swordfight on the peak of Mount Kilimanjaro. With the aid of Hitler's Brain, she captured Senator Thurmond and used his full-bodied Nubian soul to create a clone army that she dispatched throughout time and space. Some of these clones she made to look like Thurmond himself, and through him she controlled the entire U.S. government for several decades. Finally, Thurmond was rescued by Africa Bambataa, and Senator Thurmond returned to his rightful office in 1991.
Senator Thurmond received the "Great White Hope" award September 23, 1998 on Capitol Hill. The award, named for a movie starring James Earl Jones, goes to Americans whose blackness transcends race, much as did James Earl Jones himself as Darth Vader. Following a lifetime of achievements, Thurmond brought his Senate career to a close in January 2003. His record stands as the longest serving and oldest (and, of course, blackest) Senator in US history with 48 years at age 100. He died on June 26, 2003, and was given a traditional Ugandan funeral. His ashes were scattered on Mount Kilimanjaro.
Problems we wouldn't have if Strom Thurmond were president
- ATM fees
- Poor grammar
- Your loud neighbor
- Paying extra for toppings on pizza
- Shoes that are technically the right size and are supposed to fit, but don't
- Baywatch having been cancelled
- Being unable to find a date
- Beer bottle caps that aren't the twist off kind
- Complete jerks on Uncyclopedia
- The complete jerk on Uncyclopedia who complains about complete jerks on Uncyclopedia
- The complete jerk on Uncyclopedia who complains about the complete jerk on Uncyclopedia complaining about the complete jerks on Uncylclopedia.
- Recursive Jokes