Studies

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Alexa M. Studies, (more commonly known among her peers by her just her surname, "studies".) has been called the most persuasive person on the planet, and is often called upon to settle debates, bets, and wet t-shirt contests. Many scientists over the years, frustrated with their own limited debating skills, have found it useful to simply remind the other person that Studies has already settled that particular point, usually referring to her in the third person plural as a gesture of respect. (i.e. "Studies have shown that...")

History[edit]

Birth and Early Childhood[edit]

Studies' past is cause for great debate among historians. No one is quite sure when, where, or how she was born, and Alexa herself has done little to dispel this air of mystery. There have been speculations that she was, in fact, abandoned at birth, and narrowly avoided what should have been her certain death, by convincing a pack of wild, rogue debaters to take her in after a full-on parliamentary-style debate conducted only in grunts and baby-gurgles. There is little proof for this version of her life, but it has come to be widely believed, in part due to dark hints occasionally dropped by Studies about inferior judging and the health dangers of a diet with pepperoni pizza as the staple food, but mostly because it just makes a damn kickass story.

Her Rise to Fame[edit]

The first documented use of Studies' proofs in an argument was in the early 1990's, by Oprah.

“Studies have shown that thinking for yourself causes cancer.”

~ Oprah Winfrey on the dangers of not following her like sheep

Since then, people began to consult Studies on everything from the likelihood of becoming fat by eating too much, to the solubility of babies in hydrochloric acid. Because scientists are lazy (it's a proven fact - Studies have shown!) they began asking her to back them up on just about everything, and eventually this wimping-out and running for help became known as proper scientific process. Since then, Studies' fame has only increased, as any new scientist must get her approval before the presentation of a new idea. Those who forget this fact are often shunned from the scientific community, being snubbed as having no proof or hard evidence and, they themselves not having Alexa's incredible skills of persuasion, are unable to defend themselves, and usually end up living a desperate, empty life before being fed to the puffins.

Her influence[edit]

Studies has put in her two cents for all sorts of different puzzles. To try to list everything she has accomplished would be pointless, especially due to a recent rise in people claiming to have Alexa's approval on results they made up. However, it has been verified that she has spent a long time on explaining to people how everything causes cancer, as well as having some interesting insights on quantum psychics and wet t-shirt contests.

Her philosophy[edit]

All things irrespective of the differences among them can be studied with the same knowledge because all of them have the properties of being a thing. Nothing can be studied by those who cannot study the properties of things.