Subcomandante Marcos

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Subcomandante Marcos: Note the mask. Is he not very mysterious?

“No es buena idea rascarse las bolas y luego olerse las manos. Falta de respeto a los de mas. Pero alrevez, neta que... pues, no hay pedo. ”

~ Subcomandante Marcos on People Magazine

“It is not such a great idea to scratch one's balls and then sniff his hands. Not cool. But in reverse order... well, there is no fart (no big deal). ”

~ Subcomandante Marcos on People Magazine

“Stealing American Jobs is not the Answer, maybe if everyone could wear a nice mask like mine... yeah that would work”

~ Subcomandante Marcos on The Mexican job problem

“I want that Pipe”

~ Oscar Wilde on Subcomandante Marcos

“The most beautiful in Mexico!”

~ Subcomandante Marcos on his legs

“Who's that hot Euro-tart with the bongos!”

~ Subcomandante Marcos on his libido

Subcomandante Marcos aka "Zorro Jr." is a mexican Anarcho communist revolutionary ninja. He likes long walks on the beach and fighting for the people's rights. He leads the Communist party of Mexico. He opposes the evil rule of President Pedro. He is allways smoking that pipe. The orgins of the pipe are unkown. In fact we know very little about the man Marcos himself. He enjoys making government officals feel akward next to him.

Early life/He is very mysterious[edit]

We don't know anything of Subcomandante Marcos's early life or child because he never talks about it and NEVER takes off his mask. He is described as "mysterious", "uknowable", "Anonymous", and once again "mysterious". He has said that at age 2 he was reading Karl Marx and Chairman Grue, showing he was a child prodigy and maybe even discovered sliced bread, the internet, and the wheel. Since we don't know who he is and don't know who made those... then he must have made those things! We don't even know when he started smoking that pipe. Or even if he actually puts anything in it. This prevents us from knowing everything about his life like we do so Paris Hilton's. But you see it really is our duty to find out, but as soon as we do, Pedro will throw him in jail. So we can't... for now...

Fighting The Man/Pedro[edit]

When Marcos burst on the rebel scene, the airwaves were clogged with AmericAn Artists. His unquie blend of anarchism and communism got him noticed by the Mexican government. It was not long before they started shooting at him. He ran away to Chiapas where he founded the Social Club for Indigenous Men and Women aka EZLN. It was an overnight hit! In just one day Chiapas delared itself a inipednant contry. President Pedro hates sustainable growth and low value chiapas citizens, so he could not allow such a movement. he sent the Mexican army against the jungle people. But they hid in the bushes and Pedro did not try really hard to find them. Also the army was hungry and they felt like it was time for a few margaritas and a long 10 year siesta. A silent victory for people who hate Mexico. Marcos then changed his name a few times at the request of Puff Daddy (P Diddy). He now goes by "Sub Zero."

Marcos for President[edit]

The only logical thing to do next was to run for president with running mate Kurt Cobain. His campaign of "Food, land, and freedom!" was quite unpopular with the Mexican population, all of whom are blue-blooded land-owning aristocrats and enemies of the people. If the oppressed proletariat had bothered to come back over the border to vote, i mean, how long does it take to vote, anyway? like a minute? but no-o-o-o..

What they don't want you to know[edit]

Why is Marcos so misunderstood, his agenda so seemingly novel? Distraction and apathy are not the cause. What we are facing is an institutionally powered fabrication. A gross misrepresentation of reality and a blatant pro-consumerism, pro-corporate political status quo. You guessed it. The media. All it is is jibba jabba. Forreal. Accordingly, Marcos decided to get an EZLN webpage and established his hip, modern image as a mix of Enrique Iglesias, X Latin Socialist leader, and the flare and mystery of a Mexican luchador. The ladies love it though. Alright so here's the thing though, there's a lot that is still controversial. For example: scientists speculate that Marcos may.. or may not, have a mustache. You wouldn't be able to tell. He has a really funny tan line on his face. He doesn't want you to know. Marcos often listens to the sound of the rain forest on his headphones all day. And did you know that Subcomandante Marcos wrote a children's book with his own boiling blood and his muddy tears? But perhaps the most startling fact is that sometime in 2001 he had his testicles removed and eaten by a bunch of Mexican zombie pussies. Marinate on that homie. Zombie butt faces who eat mostly fecal matter with hot sauce.

Controversy - ¿Who is Marcos a.k.a SockHead - Cabeza de Calcetín ?[edit]

Background: Ed the Sock is a famous sock puppet on Canadian Television and according to the uptight people at Wikipedia - "Ed is based on two actual people, whose names remain undisclosed." - We believe Marcos a.k.a SockHead to be one of them.

Theories on the mysterious Marcos

1. He was the last Communist Revolutionary to be sold by the Soviets in their final "Everything Must Go, Going Out of Business Sale." in 1992.

2. Some believe he was born with the mask on his head just like Dumb Donald from Fat Albert's notorious gang who was born wearing a pink stocking cap over his face.

3. He was stuffed inside a Piñata and given to the Mexican Ambassador to the United States after the signing of NAFTA, as good will joke that went terribly wrong. So far, no one in the Former Clinton Administration has been held responsible, though Hillary Clinton is thought to be the prime suspect.

(left) Unknown Comic (right) Marcos: Notice the similarities.

4. Subcomediante Marcos

Many believe the Unknown Comic is actually Subcomediante Marcos; it is thought after being cancelled from The Gong Show that he was radicalized into an anti-corporate comedian, so he shed his "paper or plastic?" bag put on an Official 1972 Olympic Games PLO ski-mask and started smoking a pipe. He later fled to Mexico after he narrowly escaped with his life during a performance at a Mormon Convention that turned violent once the conventioneers discovered a teen cheerleading camp full of highschool girls was being held in the same building, causing them to go on a polygamy driven rampage searching for new wives. The Mormons also later fled to Mexico after felony charges, attempted aggravated corruption of a minor, were filed by the local authorities. This caused a mass exodus of Mexicans from Mexico since they believed Mitt Romney would attempt to fraudulently steal the next Mexican Presidential election, and turn it into a colony of the Greater Utah Mormon Empire, which would be worse than the Moors ruling ancient Spain. Marcos took it upon himself to rid Mexico of these non-smoking polygamists, and bring Mexico back from the Dark Ages that descended upon them in the Great Mormon Invasion by creating a new leftist philosophy called Zap-a-mormonista.

5. He is also thought to be a rabid Frank Zappa fan who took Zappatista-ism a little far. He also seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that Frank died some years back. Spelled Zapatista in Spanish because they rarely put the same two letters following each other in a word since it serves no purpose other than to confuse people like the English Language, an exception being the double L - ll pronounced like a Y in Inglés. Sometimes Zapatista-ism is confused with Zapata the Mexican revolutionary, but this theory falls short since there is no Pancho-Villaista movement in Northern Mexico at the moment to complete the Marxist class theory since Marx considered his work scientific, and not philosophic; hence there's no empirical evidence supporting the Zapata theory, other than the missing P.

Why he isn't awesome at all[edit]

  • Has a Mask
  • First real communist in over 9000 years (can't be worse than that)
  • Can's Dance
  • Pipe isn´t cool
  • His pipe is actually an antique and belonged to Stalin. He got it of e-bay
  • Had the Courage to Say Napoleon Dynamite was unfunny and sucked

See Also[edit]