Submarine golf

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Typical Par 3, often forming part of the "Back Nine"


A Sport specifically designed to be played in confined spaces. Originally the pursuit of Salty Sailors it is nowadays commonly enjoyed across the world by all sexes, but in the main by single men out of sight of their wives.

Invention of Submarine Golf[edit]

Submarine Golf was invented on 19 July 1947 in the North Atlantic by Lt Cdr Clark Springheel DSO DSN RN. of the class T2 Pennant N91 Submarine "Trooper".

Lt Cdr Springheel, Great Grandfather of Bournemouth's leading exponent of the "handstand fart" (Silly) Ed Hurren; invented the interactive homosexual martial art to combat the long period's of inactivity between engagements during the Atlantic Campaign.

Under guidance from the Rear Admiral, the ships company, sporting their impressive (for the period) shining one woods proudly aloft, would retire to the lower more confined decks of the vessel whereupon they would traverse the vessels mess rooms, wood in one hand, balls in the other, swinging about their large ended woods as much as they were able given their confines.

A typical "hole" "Par 3 in this instance" dog leg left, 3.5yds may of consisted of a 0.01yd tee-off from the top of the Stokers locker, aiming for mid fairway on the draining board of the CPO's mess, leaving a final steady uphill putt to the now (after three months at sea) rancid plughole.

History[edit]

An Early Tee Circa 1949

Submarine Golf has progressed beyond all recognision since the early days of 1947. Modern Submarine Golf no longer has to be played in a submarine, indeed, many players of the modern game practice alone in garages and bedrooms where a quick tee off among their favourite holes can easily be realised in a matter of minutes.

Mandatory Items[edit]

Rules are much more relaxed than with the terrafirma game. Plusfours are not a prerequisit, neither are studded shoes which remain optional but are often considered necessary to command extra purchase in some of the games tighter holes. Glove should be always worn on the left hand.

Rules[edit]

'Clark Springheel's 1948 PGA Tour jacket on display in 'The Felated Monkey' bar in Southampton Docks

If any participant should deviate from the target hole and 'shank' his 'shot' out of bounds, it is courteous to yell 'Fore' so as the other players can avoid a 'head shot'. Failure to do so can result in a 'Naval Radishing'.

Under the Springheel Rules, dry crevasses are considered playable hazards. However, if said imperilment if found to be soaked due to 'out of bounds outpour', the participant is allowed to recover his ball by the reach-around method, place said ball back into the foray and forcibly project without incurring an unnecessary 'stroke', thus avoiding a potential cluster-fuck.

Famous Submarine Golfers[edit]

'Submarine Golf's unsuccessful foray into the urban environment'
  • President Richard Nixon and Walt Disney entered the USS Intrepid Submarine Golf Celebrity Invitational in 1971. They were forced to pull out before the back nine when Nixon required medical attention after gagging on an orange. Disney re-entered the following year but was disqualified after he got his cravat caught in a lap-joint piston valve.
  • President Clinton regularly got 'a quick nine in' under the Oval Office desk.
  • During 1963 the BBC were forced to employ an under-study for Call My Bluff stalwart Frank Muir, after he became increasing unreliable and often missed live recordings after gaining a passion for Submarine Golf
  • It is rumoured that during his 2002 dip in form, Tiger Woods was regularly spotted around Charleston and Pascagoula US Navy Bases 'bulking up' on Ohio-class ballistic missile submarines.
  • Dudley Moore was notoriously good at 'the short game' and often tried to introduce Peter Cook to submariner tournaments during their 1978 Australian tour, to no avail.