Sunn O)))

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“It has been said that, musically, Sunn O))) is the equivalent of a straight guy with a lisp. It's actually more like a quantum mechanic who makes retard noises. Or just a retard noise.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Sunn O)))

“BWOOM! BWOOM! BWOOOOOOOOOOM!”

~ Sunn O))) on Sunn O)))

Sunn O))) (pronounced Sun; legal name "S☺lar``i*%#@$S ☻ /\/\map) are two musicians that usually play the "drone doom" style of heavy metal. They is generally considered to be the the most skilled guitar-playing entity in the world, being able to play faster than Dragonforce on multiple guitars simultaneously, among other things. It discovered the BWOOM effect, which is really damn powerful.

Beginnings[edit]

Sunn O))) originally started as two ordinary men, named Steve O'Malley and Greg Anderson. In the 1960s, they sought to harness the newly discovered fundamental forces: sex, drugs, and loud noises that go BEU BEU WOMP WOMP. After two decades of advanced training, they succeeded in being able to make women orgasm on command and their development of an advanced method of kitten huffing, thus making Jesus mostly obsolete. The power of loud noises, however, remained untapped by the duo. Though they did develop a distortion technique, their actual ability paled in comparison to Led Zeppelin, who never sought world domination and yet achieved it. This irony angered the pair, since no matter how hard they tried, they couldn't make anything better than the first sample of silence in Stairway to Heaven.

Greg Anderson and Steve O'Malley seen wandering the land in search of...something

Their godhood would come in due time. After goths grunge punk rock Cliff Burton died, O'Malley and Anderson were the last living true rockers. They were considered to be the "most band ever" in spite of never actually forming a band. Yet for all this, they were no more skilled, and the infinite quantities of kitty and more kitty were hollow and vain to them.

The formation of Sunn O)))[edit]

So the pair continued to seek powers comparable to those of the hardest rock known the man. In 1998, the pair tried their most ambitious experiment. There are no survivors. Historians have been unable to discern the exact experiment, but they think it involves an amp, seaborgium, two buildings made of plate glass, more amps, a refrigerator, and an orange cat. It is rumored that there was explosion so powerful, it made people in outlying areas stop having sex for a few weeks. The only thing remaining in their comically small Midwestern town was the fridge. The amount of rockin' force in it was so great that anyone who touched it would have his socks rocked off.

At the post-apocalypse apocalypse, a lot of things happened. One of them was that Sunn O))) appeared where the fridge once stood. Now, everyone would ordinarily make a pilgrimage to the Fridge. On 02/20/2000, Sunn O))) revealed itself to the world. There was one survivor. Unfortunately, she is unable to describe what happened, as the only noise she is able to make is "BWOOOM". Experts debated ceaselessly over the meaning of this word.

Near the fridge site, a series of concentric crop circles developed the night before the incident. It is unknown whether these are related.

The discovery of the BWOOOM effect[edit]

Sunn O))) had great power, but no way to harness it. It was far too powerful for ordinary rock music, so it sought out the most powerful metal musicians on the planet, who are many orders of magnitude more powerful than entire rock bands. This was less fruitful than it hoped. Sunn O))) dueled with Yngwie Malmsteen for about six and a half minutes before he left the room screaming like a little girl. Steve Vai and Dave Mustaine met a similar fate. Dimebag Darrell died. Again. Finally, Dream Theater decided to take it on. The entire band was required in order to subdue Sunn O))), and it took two hours, fifty-six minutes, forty-three seconds, and eight frames of continuous shredding on all five instruments to do so. This is why there is no life on Jupiter.

Having finally found a force stronger than itself, Sunn O))) and Dream Theater practiced together for a year or two. Once Dream Theater released their universally enjoyed Train of Thought, Sunn O))) and John Petrucci got into an argument over which of the two were better. They engaged in an epic shred battle of epic proportions and speed on the dark side of the moon. The battle lasted forty days, and its ending was a pivotal day in physics. Sunn O))) repeated a descending lyric minor scale nine hundred thousand times in one femtosecond. The sound emitted by its guitar, however, was not the usual shred guitar wankery, but rather a low-pitched "BWOOOM". This was named the BWO)))))M effect because nobody thought of anything better. Every other guitarist in the world dropped dead instantly. The effect was engaged again with an ascending epic minor. They all came back to life, except for Dimebag, who remained dead. Sunn O))) was unanimously declared the winner, with the only dissenters being those poor souls that bought Systematic Chaos.

Musical style[edit]

Sunn O)))'s music is typically thought to be very slow and heavy. This is false; though its music is certainly very heavy, it is not slow. In fact, it is faster than most humans can comprehend. What seems to be a note change is actually Sunn O))) slowing down for a brief moment. Those few who do hear the full complexity of its music note that these slow periods are the most emotional thing they have ever heard. They are even capable of making babies cry.

Typically, Sunn O))) plays anywhere from three to nine guitars at once, as well as synthesizers, drums, keyboards, death growls, glockenspiel, operatic choirs, 1200-piece orchestra, drums, bass, plastic guitar, real guitar, and maybe drums no drums. The compositions written for this many instruments, however, are not publicly available, as nobody would get them. So Sunn O))) keeps the number of guitars down to two, plus bass.

Sunn O))) plays what is colloquially known as BWOOM Metal, because it relies on the BWOOM effect. It is a fusion of drone doom, power metal, symphonic metal, ragtime, and Syrophonecian folk rap. Tempo and rhythm are very dynamic, and vary wildly between songs and even phrases in songs.

When playing live, Sunn O)) plays all instruments in real time. It has two guys in cloaks pretend to play guitar so nobody has to see it.