“In Soviet Russia we slaughtered our superheroes long ago”
“I was a superhero once, but the Spandex made me look way too gay.”
“1.Every year, a randomly chosen person on Earth is struck by lightning and gains superpowers.
2.Each new superhuman is twice as powerful as the previous one.
3.This has been going on for ten years.”
Sometime (dates matter not in this enlightened age) after the great revolution, certain people crimethinked that they were in some way superior to the rest of their comrades, and thus decided that it was their sacred duty to protect their "inferior" comrades from "evil". This, of course, was also crimethink, and as the Thought Police soon found out, the outdated word "evil" was actually a sacrilegious codeword referring to none other than our great and most wonderful guardian-of-the-people, Big Brother. Several of the so-called "super-heroes" were then prosecuted by the Thought Police and directly taken to Room 101.
The claim that any one unit can be superior to all others is ridiculous on the face of it. Big Brother is superior, but he is merely a metaphor, not a person. Yet he is somehow real, too. Whatever. He's better that you, 'kay? OK. The term "super-hero" is derived from the prefix super-, translating merely "crimethink", and hero, which in the Modern Newspeak Dictionary is defined as, "Hero (hee-row) n. 1. crimethink and 2. A delicious type of Soylent Green sandwich. See sub." Therefore, at best, "super-hero" can be defined as "crimethink sandwich", and at worst, "crimethink crimethink." Either way, it is crimethink and MUST BE HUFFED.
One so-called superhero was Spider-Man, a rebel who said he did not believe in doublethink, yet insisted that he was both spider and man at the same time. The thought police found him on top of the Tower of London, and he has since been to Room 101. After this cleansing process, he now believes himself to be a mild-mannered photograph-burner. All of the time. Another man thought he was Big Brother. This is crimethink, 'nuff said.
What Should I Do If I See a Superhero?
Report him to the thought police immediately or you will be released quite painfully and without notice. Or you tell him to get on a skateboard and do a backflip mctwist over 15 hovering helecopters with a blindfold on. Or possibly you could for no reason develop a huge hatred for said hero and randomly decide to become a super-villian.
What Identifies a Superhero?
Many superheroes believe they have "super powers", or powers that set them off from their Kumrads, er, comrades. This is not the case. They are merely overacheivers and will be dealt with accordingly. They also have a habit of wearing Spandex in garish colors, thus identifying them and making them easy to catch.
What are Superheroes again?
Nothing. There are no superheroes. You didn't read this article. There is no article. There is nothing wrong with the government. Superheroes could never exist in this perfect world. The government is NOT out to get you. The black helicopters are NOT on their way. Nor are the thought police. In Communist Oceania, YOU are out to get the black helicopters. By the way, that is crimethink and you will be taken to Room 101.