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The Superman

The Superman posing for the cover of Time Magazine.

Gender: Male (We think)
Height: 7'3"
Weight: 335 lbs. (Adamantium skeleton, American average)
Eyes: Lazers
Ass: Stuffed with crack
Crotch: Gay dream
Hair: Magnificently curled and shiny
Species: "Kryptonian," a species of beings that look exactly like humans, can reproduce with them, and even speak their language. (But they're not humans, keep that in mind.)
Occupation: Crimefighter/Kicker of Asses, chronic wanker
Base of operations: Metropolis, USA
Status: Single and ready to mingle
Date Of Birth Christmas, 1 B.C.E.
Favorite Food Pop-tarts
Special Ability Ability to disappear as soon as Batman appears

“I don't care if he is Superman, I'll fuck him up at Scrabble.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Superman

Superman is an obese superhero who is apparently an alien despite looking exactly like a human male-type personage. He is famous for blatantly defying the laws of physics, doing good deeds and generally being nice to people.

No one actually respects Superman, but everyone envies his tight buttocks and ability to appear credible in public while wearing his underpants outside his trousers.


Superman has quite a long history.


You know the end is near when you see Superman praying...

Conspiracy theorists claim that Superman was once an Indonesian citizen, but actually he was born on Krypton and sent here by his father, Jor-el, to save the planet Earth.

All the people on Krypton lived a life similar to humans, except for a everything looking a bit futuristic, with a lot more crystals and post-modernistic structures, and some really killer crack-houses that were actually houses carved out of enormous crack-rock crystals. Krypton was drowing deep in Debt, all jobs offshored to Indiaton or Chiniaton, and Bush-El their former leader had countless wars in the Neutral Zone for an energy source that had drained Krypton of money and resources. But there were no plants left, and global cooling happened due to pollution. As such it wasn't long before the population started dying of starvation, drowning, freeze-drying and being struck from above by giant falling crystals. The Kyrptonian economy had collapsed, and cheap knock-off crystals made in third world planets fell apart, and global cooling caused freeze dried effects and cracks in the poor quality crystals.

Kal-El's father, knew it was only a matter of time before the entire planet exploded when the cheap crystals blew up. But like Al Gore, he was ignored. The Kryptonian government disliked spending money on saving the planet, preferring to allocate more funding to hiring Marlon Brando to play Kal-El's father. The planetary government agency responsible for stopping these types of things was left bankrupt due to budget overruns causing the system's sun to explode, killing everyone.

Knowing his entire race was doomed Kal-El's father conceived a brilliant plan that involved launching his infant son to a planet a quad-trillion miles away, praying he didn't land in the ocean that covered 70% of the planet's surface, and then hoping someone managed to find and raise him. To explain everything to Kal-El, his father sent his message in Kryptonese, a language which just happens to sound exactly like English. The economy was bad and all Jor-El could afford was a small rocket that only his son could fit into. No room for his wife Laura or himself. Earth was picked because it had a better economy, and a medium sized yellow sun that would give Kal-El super powers and enable him to wear his underwear on the outside and such.

As it happened, the rocket landed in a city called Smallville in the state of Kansas in the nation of the USA. George and Martha Kent found the rocket with the baby in it, and decided to adopt it and forge a birth certificate so that Kal-El can pass for human and a US citizen. This was, of course before the Department of Homeland Security was formed so the birth certificate appeared to be legit, so Kal-El can run for President some day despite not being born in the USA or Earth, and somewhere else. But Kal-El as Superman stands for truth, justice, and the American way, just ignore his origins and questinable legitimacy of his birth certificate and other lies passed off as the truth.

As a youngster, Superman always complained that no one understands him.
Superman, as a young pup.

The Superman's first appearance[edit]

Superman made his dramatic appearance saving an out-of control space shuttle and it's crew from certain doom. He was not applauded, however, because: A) He had not perfected his super-hero-suit-making technique, and his said suit actually disintegrated. Thus, people were too busy laughing at his Kryptonian junk to thank him. Also, B) when they found out he had been fully powered, and on Earth during 9/11, Katrina, the Challenger and Columbia crashes, and the Star Wars Prequels, they became enraged that he hadn't revealed himself sooner, and tried to beat him to a pulp.

The Movie[edit]

Superman soon became one of the most famous and iconic figures of Metropolis, despite his strange habit of getting mistaken for a bird or a plane. It wasn't long before he had a movie deal under his belt, a deal that would lead to the greatest comic-book epic ever made: Person who normally does things better than other people.

They ended up making a movie with the more catch title Superman, and the movie was a huge success, and they made another one that was an even bigger success. Then, they made one which didn't do so well critically, but was still pretty sweet at the box office. And then they made one which just fucked everything up, and caused Superman to vanish for 20 years.

He did return, though. With a title clearly written by Captain Obvious, Superman returned, and nobody gave a flying fuck. Seriously, his epic return went something like this:

Superman fireballs though Earth's atmosphere, crashes into the ocean, and emerges from his shuttle.
SUPERMAN: Hey guys, I'm back!
BATMAN: Nobody cares.
SUPERMAN: What?! How could that be? I'm SUPERMAN, the greatest hero ever to grace the silver screen. As a matter of fact, I'm really the only one, aside from you.
BATMAN: Yeah, about that... Remember that little comic company called Marvel?
SUPERMAN: What, the hacks with the stupid spider-guy? What about them?
BATMAN: Dude, the stupid spider-guy is now the top-grossing comic book character ever.
SUPERMAN: No way! Well... I'm still the most best around here at DC, right?
BATMAN: Well, actually... Geez, now I feel guilty about it.
SUPERMAN: Come on, Batty-Man! Who is it? Wonder Woman? I heard she had some kind of screen deal going on. I know it's not you, cause when I left they were talking about signing on George Clooney and Arnold Schwarzenegger for some really campy movie. What was it, Batman and Blue Jay?
BATMAN: First of all, it's Robin, not Rob Bannn! bitch!.
BATMAN: And besides, that's in the past... thank God. I had a reboot out in 2005, and everyone loved it. We're doing a sequel, and it's pretty anticipated. We got a deal with Heath Ledger. He said he had a great idea about how to do the Joker. I hate to tell you this, Superman, but... I am the most popular guy at DC.
SUPERMAN: Who's Heath Ledger?
BATMAN: Heath Ledger was a fucking loser who thought he rebooted the Joker, which he didn't because Jack Nicholson's Joker is the bar none!
GREEN LANTERN: Fuck you both! I'm getting a movie now, and I'll rape your asses with my bling!
BATMAN: We'll rape Marvel, just wait and see!
SPIDERMAN: Hey did Marvel tell you guys we got new Iron Man, X-Men, and Marvel Alliance movies coming out soon... Yeah we're on top now bitch.

Special Powers[edit]

So Red Bull does give you wings!

Superman has, to put it in poetic terms, a whole shitload of powers. (He blames it all on the fact that Earth's sun is a different color than one he's used to.) His generally gigantic quantity of them, and the invulnerability they give him makes him slightly boring among some comic book fans. They don't complain though, lest he knock them out with his laser beams and kill them with his poison gas, all before disintegrating their bodies with his nuclear rays. His powers are the following:

  • XXX-Ray Vision: Superman has the ability to see women as they would be completely nude.
  • Flying: Yes, he can fly. And before you start talking about "being original" and "being unique," remember: this was original and unique. In the '30s.
  • Super Speed: Yeah, super-speed... So Flash had this skill of having super speed, and super speed only. So of course, Superman had to be a dick and take this speed, along with 10,000 other cool tricks. Knowing that Superman was superior to him in every way, Flash killed himself, and Superman laughed at his funeral and banged his girlfriend on the coffin. What a dick.
  • Invincibility: While every other superhero can actually get hurt when punched, hit, etc, Superman appears to be invincible, so that it is impossible to defeat him, unless around Kryptonite. If a nuclear bomb hit Superman, he'd still live. If a meteor hit Superman, he'd still live. But if a piece of green rock touched him, he's fucked.
  • Super-Breath: This is actually a real power of Superman. He can blow on things until they freeze. What's that? Well, yeah he does blow, but... Stop laughing, OK? It's not that funny, really.
  • BluRay Vision: Superman sees everything in 1080p and hears everything in DTS-HD Master Audio.
  • Super Strong: Superman is so strong. He also stole this power from Captain Marvel. Captain Marvel sued him and lost his ass to Superman. Superman keeps it on the wall in his Fortress of Solitude. He also keeps a blue dress that is covered in his jism, which was once owned by Lois Lane. Just in case.
  • Super-Prefixing: Superman can put the word Super in front of any frickin' thing he does. It's just magical.
  • Super-bad camouflage: Superman has the ability to disguise himself so badly as a specky geek, by only wearing a suit and some glasses. This disguise is so blatantly obvious, nobody has noticed ever, not even Lois Lane.
  • Souper: Superman can drink soup. From a bowl or other similar receptacle.

The DC 52 Reboots[edit]

Warner Brothers owned DC Comics, and sales had suffered. Nobody wanted to read Superman comic books or watch Superman movies anymore. So DC rebooted the entire comic book series along with everything else into the New 52. Superman had changed he no longer wore underwear on the outside, and he had a collar on his cape and a new power suit like Batman had, but with the "S" symbol on it.

Kal-El used to be known as Clark Kent, but after the reboot George and Martha Kent died as a young age and Clark had to grow up an orphan on the streets. Due to lawsuits with the creators of Superman, DC could no longer call him Superboy, so they just had him wear Jeans, Sneakers, and a T-Shirt with the "S" symbol on it. Clark would report on his blog using his iPhone, and work as "Unknown" until he turned 18, and found the super suit and became Superman.

After finding out Clark Kent was not that good of a disguise as all he did was wear glasses as a hipster and comb his hair different, Kal-El decided to fake Clark's death and do work as a Fire Fighter and no longer wear glasses or comb his hair differently. He called himself Joe Clark, and hung out at a firehouse until an alarm happened and then fought fires. After his shift was over he went to the Justice League satellite to pick on Batman for not having any super powers.

Superman seems to have the same powers as before, except that one of his weaknesses added was a weakness to copyrights as he could no longer use Superboy, Clark Kent, or some other names due to a lawsuit his original creators' families filed against DC.

A brand new Superman Movie called "Man of Steel" is in the works, that will reboot Superman in the movies. No details on it yet, except that it won't be as good as the Batman trilogy, but perhaps better than that Green Lantern movie, which was about as good as chunky bits of bodily waste floating in a bag of douche which is lodged in the asshole of an undead zombie chewing through the stomach fat of a dead whale rotting on the beach in hundred degree weather right next to a landfill and a desecrated cemetery with a busted sewer line raining brown shit-water down on all the corpses and garbage. Ryan Reynolds rules.

Furthermore, Superman and Lois Lane are no longer married in the reboot. In fact they were never married and Lois Lane has no idea what Superman's true identity is anymore. This was done for Generation-Y who are too young to get married and DC felt that having Superman married would hurt sales. So the marriage was gone, and in place DC claimed Kryptonians have several different genders, and that Kal-El while he appears to be male is actually something else not defined yet. Plus the "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex" jokes got to be too much for DC to bear.

In popular culture[edit]


“Lex Luthor smells bad.”

~ Superman on Lex Luthor

“It's not like Batman wants to kill me.”

~ Superman on Batman

“Why do people wear their underwear on the outside?”

~ Superman on underwear

“Your baby looks ugly.”

~ Superman on a random woman's baby

See also[edit]