Swansea

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Swansea.

Swansea (Derived from the Latin Swan: Town and Sea) is the second biggest village in Wales. The name "Swansea" has nothing to do with Swans, or vikings called "Swaine". It is a vibarant and alive city

History[edit]

Much like Australia, Swansea was founded in 1706 for the sole reason of housing expelled convicts from Cardiff. This new settlement was declared Cardiff, Jr. in 1708.

The present name derives from 1872, when an Englishman was visiting Wales, and asked a Swansea man what the big noise he could hear was. Being a kind Welshman, old Taff showed him Swansea football team playing. "It's Swans, see?" (hence Swansea).

Swansea went missing in 1945. Not even Jesus cared.

Unfamiliar with the dialect, the name "Swansea" stuck ever to this day. Swansea Football Club have recently moved across Swansea into the new Liberty Stadium nearer to the slums where the majority of their supporters live, as many supporters were unhappy at the number of rats there were to consume in dustbins in and around the Vetch Field. Recently, biological studies have shown that some "native" Jacks are actually descendents of the notorious Vetch Field Rats. One of the known living descendents is Swansea City's own Mark Gower.

Swansea was made famous in 1997 by the film Twin Town, but only to its won townspeople. The rest of the country didn't watch it, and was a bit too high brow for Merthyr and Rhymney. Swansea also shares with Rotherham in Yorkiebarshire the distinction of being twinned with itself. It's illegitimacy rate of 7.24% is among the highest in Western Glamorganshire. The largest real estate company in the Swansea area is Blazers with a market share of 9.9%

As quoted in the Swansea Blockbuster's 'Twin Town' (colloquially referred to as 'Ew knows that film Dave's mate's brother's BT van was in'), Swansea is a "pretty shitty city." Empirical evidence later proved this statement to be a mere 33.3% accurate, as Swansea is in fact shitty, but a town. However, this was overlooked as the spelling was alright.

Local Economy[edit]

The Swansea economy is based on tourism to the DVLA office, Rossi's chip shop and sales of Bonnie Tyler memorabilia, who is actually from Skewen

In contrary to popular belief, the use of the British pound was outlawed due to local complaints that 'paper money' couldn't be used to roll a fag, and 'jingly money' was constantly being confused with their Elizabeth Duke sovereign rings, thus making locals 'spin out'. The town has now reverted back to its traditional currency of Job-seekers' Allowance.

Local Delicacy[edit]

Ironically, the most popular drink in Swansea is Brains (actually made in Cardiff), which is better than any English beer. Local Legends also states that Swansea invented the Donar Kebab and the first Kebab House was set up in Swansea in 1908.

People[edit]

People from Swansea are often called "Swansea Jack-Arses" The famous poet, Dylan Thomas, hails from the town. Not contrary to popular belief, Swansea has some famous people. Catherine Zeta Jones and Tea-Cosy Pete. But not Bonnie Tyler because nobody gives a shit about her any more.

Swansea has a unique bi-law stating that every person living in the town must have a mate who works at the DVLA or Sports Soccer and that he or she must be called 'Dai', 'Jonesy', 'Dai Jonesy', 'Dai Jonesy Booooy', or 'Genith'. This was designed to preserve the local culture of being able to speak in a whiney voice at the end of every sentence.

The most loved and worshipped citizen of Swansea was Jack the Dog, who rose to fame and goddom in 1864 when he noticed a sinking boat off the coast, which had been sinking for several hours and gone entirely unnoticed. Misunderstanding the dog's attempts at communication as messages from God, the people of Swansea began worshipping the dog as a deity while the ship continued to sink. Frustrated, the dog swam out to sea to try and rescue the sailors himself, and was followed by the gathering cult, who once again mistook his intentions and attempted to destroy the sinking vessel. jack the Dog himself died having rescued the Sailors single handedly, who were in turn killed by the vengeful cultists. He is generally recognised as the smartest creature to have ever come from Swansea.

Swansea is also home to the famous MTJ monster, which lives on the skulls and lungs of his victims. He is often seen eating animals such as bees and kangeroo testacles,it recently made an appearence on I'm a celebrity get me out of here and successfully completed the bug eating trial, it can regularly be seen chewing on a half a bee.

Jonathan Melvin Hughes, a Jack wannabe regularly undertakes a night on the tiles in Swansea with his work mates. He is a keen Swansea Town supporter and travels often with his alcoholic no-hopers to away matches. Highlights of away days include; A fit bird sat behind him once, swansea scored loads. Melv is often heard saying his catchphrase Fack off' which he so dearly loves.

Immigration[edit]

Swansea is renowed for the 2004 mass exodus of chavs from Cardiff to Swansea, when Cardiff decided to close all its newsagents and bus shelters, hence destroying their natural habitat. The Council responded by urging citizens to look up their local extermination firm in the Yellow Pages if a flock of chavs forms nearby. A chav can temporarily be paralysed by spraying Raid into its face, if this does not work then attempt to fend it off with some decent music and stylish clothes which can drive them insane if you try hard enough.

On the 27 May 2006, Swansea was destroyed by a nuclear attack from Russia. £15 worth of damage was dealt and civilisation is yet to tell the difference.

Students[edit]

Swansea University was established in 1996 to cope with the sheer number of rejects from Cardiff University. Its students can not actually be found at the campus as they are too busy wandering from bar to bar in Wind Street or the Mumbles dressed up like their going to a 5 year old's fancy dress party.

See also[edit]